The Bachelorette Week 11: The Most Unshocking Shocking Conclusion of The Bachelorette in Bachelorette History

The Bachelorette picks up right where we left off last week, with a weepy Desiree in a wicker chair being comforted by Chris Harrison,  who it turns out, is really bad at comforting. "Are you ok?," he asks. "Yes," Des replies. "But you're not," he says and then watches as she melts into a puddle of sad. She's heart broken, but she's contractually obligated (I assume), so the show goes on with a teary rose ceremony. Both Chris and Drew get a rose because ABC needs to milk one more episode out of this thing.

Des hops back in the literal saddle and begins a horseback date with Drew. They make some very small talk about the beauty of the island, and Des asks if Drew has been enjoying himself. "Yes," he says. "Have you been to the pool?," she asks. "No." "To the beach?" "No. Just hanging out in my hotel room."  It confirms our suspicions that Drew i s nothing more than a handsome robot. Once off camera he powers down and sits on the edge of his bed until his next date with Des. This is the creepy straw that breaks Des The Camel's back, and it's a swift sianara to Drew.

And then there was Chris. Every time I look at him, I see this:

So it's fitting that booger is an anagram for goober. We've seen this goober's boogers. But he's a goober who doesn't give up, and seems pretty okay with winning by virtue of not having left already and not being a handsome robot.  And Des seems pretty okay with him winning by virtue of not having left already and not being a handsome robot. 

So yeah. Chris takes it. He chooses a Neil Lane diamond, he asks Des to have his babies and grow old with him. In response she first clarifies just how much she loved Brooks, you know, a week ago, and then accepts his proposal to get wrinkly together. My heart breaks because neither of them attempt to rhyme anything the whole episode. 

So I hope you too were delighted when, during the After The Final Rose Ceremony Chris presenrs Des with what he calls his latest "piece". A poem framed with the dried rose petals. Really. The poem reads:

My Girl
A Poem by Chris Siegfried

I found the woman of my dreams
She is now by my side every day
The love that is eternal and full of passion
will keep us together and never go away
I get to hold you and hug you
I get to kiss you and love you
Like a drum my heart never stops beating
And I will always be there for you
You are the one. You are the one for me
The only one I want
The only way I want this to continue
is with you in my life, every moment
Always meant to be.
Fall forward with me. Forever.
I love you.

"The only thing that rhymes with 'you' is 'you'" is totally what Chris thought when he wrote this.
Other highlights of the ATFRC include Brooks looking sharp in a suit and haircut, and Drew still  being a handsome robot. I'm so glad this is over and I never have to hear Des say, "To be honest" or "You look so adorable" ever again.

Luckily, the future of this franchise is bright and named Juan Pablo. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bachelor:

See you there. 

The Bachelorette Week 10: Fantasy Bittersweets

This just got real.

Des starts the Antigue episode by proclaiming that Drew's smile lights up a room, Chris is hot and athletic, but Brooks has her heart, so pack it up everyone, the fat lady's singing.

So it's difficult not to feel bad for Drew when he smothers Des with prolonged kisses and "I love yous" and talk of the rest of their life. It's difficult not to think really judgmental thoughts about Des when she agrees to Forgo Her Individual Room And Spend The Night Together As A Couple In The Fantasy Suite, because, you know, she's made it very clear that this guy doesn't have a chance.

"OK, you guys can leave now"

Des dresses as Jenny from Forest Gump to meet Chris. 

Forest would run from this.

Chris  asks Des how she feels about moving to Seattle and she completely sidesteps the question. Sp Chris pulls out the big guns and recites his worst poem to date:

It's exciting to see just how far this journey has taken us

From places I never knew existed, to places I've longed to see

All experiences you and I have shared together

And now here we are one week after you met my family

One week from the possibility of forever

I'm not nervous, I'm excited

It's hard to deny the connection we've made

The chemistry,  real compatibility, permanent friendship.

Piecing together this journey with new memories. 

Open to what is to come to us in the future

and excited to spend our lives together forever.

 Either it works or Des will Forgo Her Individual Room And Spend The Night Together As A Couple In The Fantasy Suite with just about anyone. Chris and Des make out in a hot tub, I guess because she wants to do as much macking as she possibly can before she has to conform to the monogamous lifestyle.

Meanwhile, Brooks pours his tortured heart out to his mom and sister. The thought of proposing to Des makes him uncomfortable, he claims. I think maybe Brooks has never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette. If he had, he'd know that a proposal at the season's finale is nothing more than a "good job you won" prize and a few weeks worth of fame before both parties split the cost of the Neil Lane diamond and go their separate ways. Chris Harrison seems to agree with me because he pulls this face during his entire conversation with Brooks:

Is this a joke?

Resolved that Des is not the love of his life, Brooks solemnly leaves to find Des. Des greets him wearing this:

Someone in the wardrobe department really hates her.

Which probably makes the dumping a little easier for Brooks. Dump her he does, and the two spend what feels like three hours doing this:

"Why?!," she asks over and over.

The cynical blogger in me says "Well played, brooks." Having established himself as totally ready for commitment and just looking for the right person, he's returning to Utah, the land of extremely beautiful women, looking single, wounded,  and ready for some tender loving. Well played, right?

But then part of me thinks that maybe he is taking this seriously and just trying to do right by Desiree. The latter option makes for oddly compelling television, which brings us to option 3/c: the producers staged the entire thing because the season up until this point has been like watching paint dry after taking an ambien after staying awake for 57 hours. Way to spice things up, guys. It totally worked because I can't wait to watch more men cry next week. See you then. 

The Bachelorette Week 9: The Men Tell Tall

AKA,  The women in the audience do hilarious things with their faces.

The night  starts out with Des and Chris Harrison popping in on some poor, unsuspecting viewers. Imagine you're sitting on the couch, laughing at Des and commenting on how weird her skirt is, when all the sudden she shows up at your front door. That's really going to ruin the episode for you.  You have to say things to her. Things like, "I like the way you pretended to listen to what that guy was saying," and "It's impressive how well your make up stays on when you cry."

One viewing party was bombarded with not only Des and Chris, but Ashley, JP, and some other franchise veterans with babies. I hope they had enough refreshments to go around. And extra diapers.

Then we're subjected to some girl talk between Allie, Emily, Ashley and Des. They discuss the best way to deal with Bad Boys. Don't  ask Des to sing that song. Trust me.  Who are the bad boys, you ask? According to the hot seat sitters, it's Jonathon, The overly eager Fantasy Suiter, Ben, the made hated by all for no apparent reason, and James, the  man hoping to meet tall, successful women in Chicago.

Jonathon  apologizes.

Ben says "Where I'm from, you pursue 'em  pretty hard", and the world pitties his future girlfriend.

And then there's James,  whose defense is essentially that he could tell he wasn't going to win this thing and was planning for the future to soften the inevitable blow. High treason in The Bachelorette Universe. When Des, in her most "I've been betrayed" voice, reminds him that he was in a relationship, he reminds her that she was in  a relationship with twenty five men. It's a pretty valid point. Des scoffs. Point James.

We all amo Juan Pablo

The real takeaway from this too long very special hour is that Juan Pablo is the perfect man. He's our soccer playing single dad. He mentions Des in every conversation. He just wants someone to wake up to, eat dinner with, and go see movies together. I swear on Chris Harrison's ties that I cried a little bit while he spoke. Des is a complete idiot for letting him go. She fakes a Spanish accent and speaks to JP. It's borderline offensive. Des plays the "I sent you home to be with your daughter" card. I think the truth is that she ran out of Spanish phrases. She only knew two. What is wrong with you, Des?

Chris Harrison asks Zak just how heartbroken he is, makes him rewatch his life's saddest moment, then reveal what he wrote in invisible ink in the journal he gifted Des. "Love is it. The only reason to open your home to a stranger. The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom, no risk is too great, no apprehension justifiable. All hope is rooted in it, cause love is our only hope for happiness. And I am happy to say this is love." No, Zak, it really isn't.

Zak sings a song that he either forgot to finish writing or had to cut short due to time constraints. Des tries to look sad and shifts her eyes in a very unnatural way. This woman cries.

Beside reconnecting with Juan Pablo, the whole night is a boring wash, until the preview for THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, FOR REAL THIS TIME.

The audience reacts thusly:

I know, right?

Holy roses I can not wait for next week. Here's my prediction: Although previous previews led us to believe that Drew was the root of the drama, I think it's actually Brooks who makes one lady and three men she what looks to be a whole lotta tears. He must tell her that he's just not really that into it. Someone shoud have warned Des about those Utah boys. They'll break your heart, hon. I've been there. 

Bachelorette Week 8: But then it started snowing

Good news. I learned how to use my Print Screen button on my computer just in time for the Hometowns. I got a little image happy. You're welcome.

Hometown Date #1: Zak

At this point in the season it's pretty clear that Zak is the guy still around by default. He hasn't done anything atrocious enough to be sent home already, at least in  Des's opinion (many might consider showing up shirtless on night one fairly atrocious), but he is definitely not going to win. So when he comes prancing down the street in a penguin suit, I feel sad for him.

When Zak describes a dream in which he and Des melt into the sand but are then saved by snow and cups and thousands of children, I cringe, I wonder if it's an attempt to plug his family's snow-cone business, I wonder if he's on some sort of addictive substance, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak gives Des a ring he purchased in Atlantic City, I cringe, I wonder how much he paid for it, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak's sister and incredibly handsome brother serenade Des with a "Welcome to the family" song, I cringe, wonder if Des got the brother's number, and feel sad for Zak.

Des cries, I think out of guilt, because there's no way she can let the guy known for his fondness of his own abs win. Des and Zak kiss.  I cringe and I feel sad for Zak.

Hometown Date #2: Drew

When Des sees Drew in his native Scottsdale, she says, "You look adorable!", which is probably what Drew hoped for when he put on  his ballerina pink shirt in the  morning.  

Drew kisses Des too many times. I would say that Des always looks dissatisfied after their kisses, but I'm starting to think  that's just her face. 

The rest of their time together involves meeting Drew's severely handicapped sister. It's entirely un-mockable, so let's move on.

Hometown Date #3: Chris

Des says Chris is a blend of everything she's looking for in a man. He's athletic. He's adventurous. He's romantic. He's POETIC. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Good one, Des. Oh. You're serious? Wow. Ok. Good for you. You're right. Those poems are...sweet?

Perhaps Des' fondness for Chris's "poetry" comes from an incredibly low standard for what's considered talent. Remember how she calls herself an artist? Here's a picture she drew for Chris:

That's Des on the left and Chris on the right.  They're labeled. 

Chris  is to the written word as Des is to art. Bad. But despite the quality, this picture is important. Only two men received gifts from Des, so Chris is obviously a top contender.

Des meeting Chris's family looks like this:

This is chiropractor dad George, realigning his son's girlfriend's back.  

This is chiropracter dad George, realigning his son's head via the nostrils.

It's weird.

Hometown Date #4: Brooks

Brooks is the other man to receive a gift from Desiree. If you can call this note a gift...

I wrote about three thousand of those notes in seventh grade. They were highlighted in bright colors. They were folded into triangles. They were written in curly handwriting.  I was twelve.

Des presents this list of special moments to Brooks and has to remind him of each line item. Remember, that time in the clouds? Remember that? Brooks is either  suffering from amnesia or just not that into Des. But that doesn't stop him from introducing her to a large group of Mormons.

We momos are big on hugging.

Des says, "This is the largets family I could ever think of." Oh sweetie. You don't even know. Spend another day in Liberty Park and you're sure to see a family of fifteen children show up at some point. Welcome to Utah.

Brooks lies through his teeth and tells his family he's in love, though he fails to express said devotion to Des. He's the single hold out, and, coincidentally or perhaps consequentially, the front runner.

Then, because nothing exciting has happened in weeks, the producers bring Nate, Des' infamous brother, to the LA hotel where Des resides. Sidebar: Why is she not back at the mansion? Is it being fumigated? Was it condemned? Did the neighbors finally complain about the cocktail parties?

Nate acts like a five year old, says he wants to get in  these guys' brains, and spends the rest of the night creeping behind walls.

Not surprisingly, Brooks,  Chris and Drew get roses. Zak does not. What follows is  a really long, pathetic and boring limo monologue about Zak's love life rut, his inability to find happiness, and his desire to spend his life with a special someone. The speech culminates in a dramatic throwing of the Atlantic City ring out the limo window. He must not have paid much for it. Here's a tip, Zak: Wear clothes.

Are you excited to see Michael, James and Mikey T. at the Men Tell All next week? Me neither.  BUT. The week after promises the long awaited Des melt down. It had better be good,  ABC. You've promised us lots of tears and you had better deliver.

Bachelorette Week 7: Love is a wild ride

This episode of The Bachelorette is brought to you by the tourism board of Madeira: You've Never Heard of It. Also by clouds. Also by go-carts.

The week started out with Des getting together with all of her old love interest's former love interests and current fiance. Totally normal. Catherine, Leslie and Jackie of Sean's season ask all  the questions one would find in a Seventeen Magazine quiz. "Who has the best eyes?" "Who has the best body?" "Who's the most athletic?" Des and company conclude that all five men are hot and will make good lovers. Phew.

Des and Brooks drive through some Madeiran mountains and kiss in the clouds. Never one to pass on a terrible analogy, Des declares, "We didn't just break through the clouds. We had a breakthrough in the relationship." They also drink some wine, so I guess Brooks is Mormon like Woody Allen is Jewish. They talk about feelings at dinner. It's boring.

Back at the house Chris receives a date card and says he wants to through his hands in the air "Tiger Woods style". When talking about love or dating or monogamy, I'd say it's best to not mention a known adulterer.
His date with Des on a yacht consists of touching each others swim-suited bodies. And poetry. I'm so sorry to do this to you, but there time together resulted in the two most horrific poems I've ever heard. The first was one they penned together, proving that sometimes two heads are far worse than one:

Experiences we share together
The memories close to here
So that with time, our love never parts
No matter the distance or hours away
Know that I'm out there somewhere thinking of you
Just as the waves crash into the shore
I long for the day that I will be with you forever more.

And then over dinner, instead of saying "I love you" like a normal human, Chris reads Des this poem confusingly titled "Individually Defined":

The strongest word with so much meaning
Hard to say without a stammer
But when expressed with true feeling
Sincere,  for no other word can mean so much more
Like the time we had atop the hotel
Seventeen above
Feelings that changed and were oh so real
Meant to be is how I feel
Our hearts are open
Words expressed by you
Feelings that I know are so true
I look forward to the unknown
Appreciate the emotion you have shown
And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart
I have a home
Expressed in writing
And felt through touch
Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush
The strongest word with so much meaning
Not so hard to believe it's true
Our hearts are open
And in every kiss
I truly mean
I love you

See what he did there at the end? The way he referenced  Des's ode from last week? Are you also depressed that you recognized that? Are you also wondering what would happen if you spent this much time and energy focusing on something like online classes or solving world hunger or learning to knit? Oh well.

If Chris and Des end up together, I hope they recite at least one haiku or limerick or sonnet free verse a day.

Darling pass the milk
My cereal is dry
Just as my love once was
Until that night
on the hotel roof
when my life felt lucky and charmed.
So  pass the milk please
So I can eat my lucky charms
and find a place in your heart.

Or

You left the cap off the toothpaste again
And like before that night on the hotel roof
I feel sad.
I like fresh toothpaste
Like I like you. 
So please don't do that again.

Stuff like that.

Michael and Des spend the day together and have all the chemistry of whatever a chemist would say doesn't have chemistry. They are pushed down a hill in a toboggan by some strapping Madeiran men. It's weird. They sample Madeiran fruit and pull faces. It's weird. Michael tells Des of his most recent heartache in which he saw a picture on FaceBook of the woman he loved kissing another man on a mountain top. Wait. What? I have a hard time believing that any woman in a relationship would willingly take a photo of herself kissing another man and then  post that photo on FB. I'm guessing Michael was never in a relationship with this woman, because, you know, he's gay. After he is eventually sent home during the rose ceremony, he calls his mother, who he talks about too much,  from the limo and says, "I don't know why this keeps happening to me." It's because you're trying to date women, Michael.

Des takes Zak and Drew on a two-on-one go-carting date. All three of them make terrible metaphors about racing and finish lines and love. Drew calls it the most pivotal day of his life. Zak presents his artistic interpretation of their long, detailed history together. It's three drawings. One is of his abs. Drew gets the rose, because as Des explains to Chris Harrison, Drew is the hottest guy she's ever seen. Really.

Des also tells our beloved host that she is essentially ready to marry Brooks but also loves Chris. Totally normal.

As already noted above, Michael goes home and the episode ends without any shocking revelations or break downs or threats to quit the show. Did ABC think we would forget we were promised those things last week? We didn't forget. We feel duped. But still excited to watch next week as Des meets a whole bunch of mormons, is massaged by an old guy and serenaded by an entire family. See you there.

Bachelorette Week 6: Cuss Cuss Cuss

First of all, thanks to a helpful comment on last week's post, we now know Brooks is the mormon. Though you wouldn't believe how many people ended up here after googling "Is Drew the Mormon?". He's just got that look I guess.

Anyway. Des made the biggest mistake of her life when she sent home Juan Pablo.

I'm not sure the show is even worth watching now that he's gone. His farewell to America was actually really touching and sad. He spoke of wanting to find a wife and stepmother for his daughter. Someone to share birthdays and Christmas with. And then through tears, he said it's really hard to date as a father. Dude's gonna get some fan mail. 

It probably wasn't a mistake to send home James, though. You know. James. The guy who is going to take tall, beautiful women on boats. A good hour and a half of the episode was dedicated to this alleged conversation wherein James forcasted his likelihood of becoming the next Bachelor. I'd be willing to be a substantial sum of money that every single one of these Des-wooers has dreamed similar dreams. But only James dared vocalize such radical dreams. So of course, Drew tattles. Only after making out with Des in an alley and getting the rose. Timing is everything.

So. Then. The group date. The activity portion of the day was a soccer game that I didn't really pay attention to. But the evening held more tattling, this time from #Kacey. Or is it #Kasey? Followed by the men confronting James and the editors bleeping most of what James said in response. Then, of course Des and James have a talk and blah blah blah SO BORING. Really long story short, Des lets James return to the house, there's another confrontation with the men and James swears some more, and finally Des sends him home at the rose ceremony. Can you guess who was at the center of Team Anti James? Did you guess Michael? You're so smart. That guy loves pots and spoons and stirring real hard. I'm also still convinced he's gay. Even more convinced. And yet Des sent home Juan Pablo, arguably the most heterosexual man alive.

Also #Kas(c?)ey. I guess ballet on  the side of a building does not true love make. 

As for the one on one dates, Drew and Des kissed. A lot. Zack and Des painted a portrait of a nude male model. Both men got a rose.

And as for the other remaining men:

Des wrote Chris this poem:

From the first night

one knee on the ground. 

Looking so handsome

Instant attraction was found.

At the dodgeball game

It was apparent, no shame.

On top of that roof overlooking that view,

That was the moment that I knew sparks grew. 

Dancing in the streets, the moments of bliss

Solidified my feelings in every single kiss. 

As the clock ticks, timing never late,

for the connection to form with each and every date.

And the rose to one day grant us our fate.

I look forward to the unknown

Appreciate the emotion you have shown

And hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home. 

So I think it's safe to say Chris has a pretty good chance of taking this thing, so long as he's okay with having to nod and smile at ghastly poetry for all of eternity.

We didn't see much of Brooks this week. He was probably reading the Book of Mormon in his room.

And Michael. They shot this season before last week's Supreme Court ruling. He didn't know he had other marital options in California. (Did that cross a line?)

Honestly, bu episode's end I was really to call it quits on the  show. BUT THEN...the previews for what's still to come. Is Des going to give up? What does Drew say? Why are all the men crying? Is there any chance that for the first time ever an episode will actually deliver what a teaser promises? Fine. FINE. I'll tune in to find out. I bet you will too. 

Bachelorette Week 5: Mormon in the house

Are we only on week  five? Oof.

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Des takes Chris out for a day of tourist nonsense. German phrase book in hand, the two try on lederhosen, sample meats and reinforce stereotypes of Americans by dancing around like idiots in a public square. It's during this display that  Bryden shows up, says he's not that into this whole thing but thanks for the free trip to Germany, and leaves. Des cries for .3 seconds then resumes her date with Chris, who reads her this poem over dinner:
Thoughts so honest (title)

While I stand there waiting watching you
You dress so perfect
You look so cute
You reach for red, a chance you'll take
the choice is right and your mind is made
While I stand there waiting my thoughts run free
thoughts of past relationships, old to me
Girls I used to think were true
All out of mind as I think of you
The plan here now, not up to me
Feelings eternal if you choose me
Can you believe he wrote that himself? Can you believe Des is into it? She even ugly cries at the ode's conclusion. Chris gets a rose AND a private performance by Matt White. You would think the caliber of performers would increase as the weeks ware on. You would be wrong.

All the other men except Probably Gay Michael and Ben receive a group date card, meaning Michael and Ben are left for the dreaded two-on-one date. Two men enter, one man leaves, the other gets a rose. Michael, never one for exaggeration or outrageous statements says, "This is a competitive  gladiator style setting. I now need to go and  murder Ben."

The group date guys and Des take a tram to the top of Germany's highest peak and make lots of metaphors about sledding and  love. Juan Pablo struggles to say yodeler. I love Juan Pablo, and not just because he thought the word for yodeler was "juggler." I hope he wins.
The crew hangs out in an ice cave, spy on each other kissing Des, and Brooks gets the rose.

The next day Michael says, "Today is Armageddon " and by that he means it's time for the two-on-one. What does Des have in store for these two sworn enemies? Quality time together in a hot tub, of course! Not just any hot tub though. A hot tub that is a boat that floats on a freezing German river. Leave it to the Bachelorette team to bring America the latest in hot tub innovation. Things get pretty tense out there on the water. "Funny how we haven't  heard anything about your son," says Michael to Ben."I had an absentee father so I can relate to your son," says Michael. "I wonder if I'll die if I jump overboard," wonders Des. The confrontation continues in a cozy cottage where the three feast on schnitzel and at least three different colors of alcohol. A maybe slightly intoxicated Michael accuses Ben of being rotten and Des tries desperately to change the subject. "What traditions do you want to enjoy with your future family?" she asks. Ben starts talking about church until Michael interrupts "You didn't go to church Easter Sunday." When Ben retorts that it was a Catholic Mass in German, Michael says, "So? There was a Jewish guy there and  a Mormon." A Mormon! We're taking over the world! We're running for president and we're winning the Bachelorette (Jef)! But who do you think it is? Brooks is the obvious choice, what with his constant smiling and his hometown of Salt Lake. But Chris has a very mormony look about him. And I wouldn't be surprised if Drew learned to part his hair like that on his mission. Maybe we'll find out during home town visits.
Anyway. The attacks become too much for Ben and he excuses himself from the table. Des gives Michael the look my mom gave me when I peed in the middle of the grocery store when I was four. I should have known better and the same goes for Michael. But his strategy pays off when Des sends Ben packing,much to the glee of the men sitting around in the hotel room.

Turns out Mikey and James are planning their futures post-Bachelorette, or so says Drew and Kasey. These futures include tall women who will be seduced on boats. Wait what? Who makes those kinds of plans? Mikey and James do. And, according to Drew and Kasey, James is gunning to be the next Bachelor. Drew and Kasey plan to reveal these scandalous details to Des at the cocktail party, but TWIST, there will be no cocktail party because Des tells Chris Harrison such while dressed as the Dowager Countess sitting in Dracula's castle.

Roses for everyone but Mikey. Don't worry about him though. He knows where to find tall women to take on boats.

The Bachelorette Week 4: A Hodgepodge of Tomfoolery

Before we dive into this week's recap, take a moment and treat yourself to Jimmy Kimmel's Baby Bachelor. I'm partial to the first episode, though the home town visits are pretty spectacular.









Wasn't that great?  If only the same could be said for last night's Bachelorette.

Des and her harem travel to Atlantic City. "It's like Las Vegas on the ocean!", says one of the guys, trying his hardest to mask the disappointment of not beein in Saint Lucias.

"I want a love that can light the darkness," says Des during her amusement park date with Restraining Order Brad. Unfortunately over dinner  it quickly becomes apparent that Brad is too dim to light even the dark space between clasped hands. So it's good bye Brad and one less BR name we have to remember

The group date is filled with the stuff a Bachelorette Recapper's dreams are made of. The men, with the help of Miss. America, prepare for and compete in The Bachelorette Mr. America. "As a young kid I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. That's all I could ask for out of life," says Michael. I feel like any commentary I make on that quote will by wildly insensitive and inappropriate, so let's move on.
Each contestant is assigned a swimsuit, and every fiber of my being tells me that it was Chris Harrison who decided which men would wear speedos.
The men get nervous when they're informed that they will be pageanting in front of an audience. Do they not know that they are on television?
The performances are as dumb and cringe-inducing as one might hope. Mikey T claims he's tired of being looked at as a piece of meat, then rips of his shirt. Poor Zak W. performs an incredibly heartfelt, incredibly terrible song. And Kasey takes the first place sash with a tap-dance routine. We can assume Michael's heart shattered into five thousand shards as his childhood dream went unfulfilled.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, James enjoys his alone time with a bubble bath and chocolate-covered strawberries. Did he order those from room service? Who picks up the bill for that? Does each man have their own bathrobe or was it just his turn to use the one they all share? Does each guy have his own hotel room with attached bath, or was he bathing in the skin cells of twelve other dudes? Regardless, he seems to be in a state of complete bliss when the date card arrives.

The next morning the men gather and wait for Des to whisk James away. And for the briefest of seconds, we see this:

Kasey, in crown and sash, at the end of the couch. This is the only glimpse. I had to rewind three times to capture it. He's completely cut out of the rest of the scene. I guess the editors were not amused by his attention seeking antics. I sure was though.

James and Des take the least romantic helicopter ride in franchise history as a Red Cross lady points out Hurricane Sandy devastation. It is entirely unmockable, as is the following meet and greet with Manny and Jan, a couple working to rebuild their home after the destruction. Des and James give up their fancy dinner to  the grateful couple, and opt for pizza at a divey bar. It's actually the most appetizing any food has looked on the show. Des must get so tired of chicken and spinach. Over the greasy food James reveals that he cheated on his college girlfriend. It's not nearly as dramatic as it should be. What a let down. James gets a rose.

At the cocktail party the men gripe about Ben, who has yet to do anything to make America hate him. To be fair, we're all accustomed to Tierra-like shenanigans. It takes rogue eyebrows and at least three faked injuries before we start to suspect a true villain.

At the Rose Ceremony, Des sends home some guy named Zack, who I swear I've never seen before. One less Zack to keep track of.

The Bachelorette Week 3: You're a Lying, Cheating, Deceitful Pig

I think Brian's audition for The Bachelorette went a little something like this:

Brian: Hey, I'm Brian, I can bench press a milk cow and I enjoy acoustic guitar
Casting Director: Brian, we're looking to add a little conflict to this season. Tell us about the women in your life.
Brian: Well I just got out of a relationship with a single mother who threw rocks at my head.
Casting Director: Do you think she'd be willing to make a surprise appearance? Maybe call you a lying, cheating, deceitful pig?
Brian: I guess so, but I'm really here to find love.
Casting Director: We'll pay you double.
Brian: You got yourself a deal.

"What about my son?!" She yelled like 27 times, without ever explaining why

And so rock-throwing, baby mama Stephanie shows up, stakes her claim, and a really large man named Paulie escorts Brian off the premises. I bet Paulie is always on hand. I bet he stands by Chris Harrison at all times. I bet the job he applied for was "Official Lying, Cheating, Deceitful Pig Get Ridder Of."

Brooks takes a page out of Tierra's playbook and requires an ambulance ride to the hospital. Because he broke his finger playing dodge ball. I'm not making this up. Brian's casting? Yeah. I made that up. Brooks' injury? There's no way I could. It's too amazing. We get some great, gritty, hospital room footage of Brooks fighting for his life. At some point he passes out. Just a reminder, he hurt his FINGER playing DODGE BALL. Will he pull through? Or will this be the first ever franchise death?  He will. It won't. Brooks makes  a triumphant return to the group date, finger bandaged, ego wounded.

Des spends half the episode in fleshy colored pants, making it seem as though she spent half the episode half naked.

Brandon tells more sad stories. Brandon tells Des he is in love with her. Des tells Brandon good bye.

The men hate Ben, probably because they need something to talk about.

Brad manages to spin a story about his domestic violence offence and restraining order to make him look like a caring, single parent.

Chris Harrison appears to have raided my shirt collection from 2003. So many fitted, western-cut tops in one episode.

Des and Juan Pablo make out and while they're supposed to be synergizing The Lone Ranger. Disney/ABC/Affiliated syndicates fail.

And some other stuff happened but it's already 9pm and I still haven't posted this. So until next week...

Bachelorette Week 2: Right Reasons

Wow.

Let's take it from the top. Monday's episode started with the first one on one date. Des/producers thought it would be cute and fun to take Brooks to a bridal shop. Do you know what would happen to any other woman in the world if she took a first date to a bridal shop to try on tuxes while she tries on wedding gowns? She would be single. Forever. But Des is The Bachelorette so the poor guy plays along. Adorned in their marital attire, the pair travel to the Hollywood sign, which ABC must have rights to because every bachelor/bachelorette spends a good five minutes of camera time there. As they sit in the dirt, kissing, I: 1. Am grossed out by what must be sound-engineered smooching noises, and 2. Really worried that Des's dress is getting muddy. The date continues with dinner on a bridge, because LA has no traffic ever and it's  not a big deal if you close off an entire road for a reality star to have a meal. Over their chicken and spinach, Des and Brooks TALK. It's normal first date conversation. What are you currently reading? What was your major in college? How has your parents' divorce affected your views on marriage and you don't have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable but yes you do because you're on television. Brooks gets a rose. They both act surprised to find their own private concert by a musician I don't recognize, because they've never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Neither of them are good dancers and there's more kissing noises and it's still gross.

Speaking of not being good at things, know who is not very good at rapping? White guys with faux-hawks and boot-cut jeans. But that didn't stop Chris Harrison from orchestrating the worst group date in  the history of the world, wherein Soulja Boy coaches fourteen of the husband hopefuls, in their very own rap video, and by "rap" I mean really really bad rhymes recited very very poorly. Watch:

I told you Des was a bad dancer. Also, I don't know if street cred is still a thing, or if Soulja Boy ever had it, but it's gone now. In fact I think that this single video killed rap entirely. Or maybe not. Maybe Ben will make a special appearance on Kanye's next album. Maybe Mikey T. will be in a Lil' Wayne video. Maybe Chris Harrison  will produce Dr. Dre's new beats. Or maybe we'll all  just cringe and try to forget this ever happened because it was super embarrassing for everyone involved, including the viewers. Even those luxury vehicles look like they hate being there. Anyway, Ben gets a rose for kissing Des. The other men get mad.

Bryden and Des go on a "road trip" through California, starting In Malibu and ending in a hot tub. "Just kiss me already," says Des to Bryden at the end of their nice, normal, boring date. Bryden reluctantly kisses Des. Bryden gets a rose.

The men/producers decide Ben is the new Tierra and the cocktail party becomes a complete spectacle. Michael, who by the way is a federal prosecutor but still has time to take off a lot of work to appear on a reality television series and also obviously does not like women, is really mad that Ben interrupts his serious talk time with Des because Michael has never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Just as Michael reveals to Des that he is gay  diabetic, in walks a sheepish Ben to steal Des away. While Ben tries to confirm that he's the only man Des has macked (Ben has never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette), Michael gets mad. "I'm surprised he didn't send in his son to interrupt us," Michael says.  "We've sure heard a lot about his bar," fumes another thirty-year-old man. When Ben returns from Des time, the other dudes hold pitchforks and torches in the air and scream, "You're not here for the right reasons! Watch the music video!"

During the rose ceremony, all but three men get a rose. Some guy I've never seen before, the guy who invented sign spinning, and the only black guy. I guess Soulja Boy filled the Franchise quota for racial diversity. 

Next week promises an ambulance and a girlfriend back home. See you there. 

Bachelorette Week 1: You will not float

"A toast to new faces and new hot bodies," says Des, the self-proclaimed Cinderella, Belle of the Ball, and our new Bachelorette. Sure, I'll drink to that.

The first fifteen minutes of the season premiere feels more like Extreme Home Makeover as Des pulls up in her crappy car, reminisces about her humble beginnings  ("my family lived in an  apartment"), and walks around her spacious Malibu Bachelorette Pad, says "Oh My Gosh" and "wow", then drives off in her new blindingly blue convertible that "purrs like a kitten." Whether she  gets to keep the home and the car isn't clear, but I suspect as soon as filming wraps, Chris Harrison will be knocking on the door with an eviction notice in hand.

The next fifteen minutes consist of Des rhapsodizing about love whilst acting like a first grader. Rollerblading in a bikini, trying on sunglasses and hats, sliding down slides, and chasing seagulls while dreaming of her future husband who is sure to be among the twenty-five men ABC producers selected for their ratings appeal.

Then we meet the men. Apparently Advertising Exec is to The Bachelorette as Professional Assistant is to The Bachelor. At least ten of these guys have "marketing" in their title. The remaining fifteen are made up of The Guy Who Invented Spinning Signs on the Street, Tailor/Magician, Ex-Professional  Soccer Player,  Orthodontist, Naked Oil Driller, War Veteran, ER Doctor, Lawyer, Law Student, Dad, and I forgot the rest. I also forgot most of their names. I don't have the stamina to sit through the two-hour premiere again, so forgive me for referring to some of our Bachelors as "The One Who _______".

We spend the rest of evening learning what Des likes and what Des dislikes. I've organized them for you.

Things Des likes:
-Abs. If "Will You Accept These Abs?" as an introduction isn't a red flag, I'm not sure what is. But Des seems to have muscle blindness, because Naked Oil Driller remains in play.
-Sexy accents. He had her at "Hello, I am Juan Pablo."
-Men who speak in twitter. #Marriagematerial. #Gorgeous. #Imgoingtoreachthroughmytelevisionsetandpunchyourface.
-Black guys. Or at least the one black guy in this group.
-Gay guys. When Des said of one of the men "We have so much in common," my husband and I simultaneously said, "Yeah, you both like men." It was that apparent.
-Poetry. The really good kind that rhymes "ocean" with "emotion."
-Other women's AA  coins. "You can give it back to my mom during the home town date," says the smartest guy in  the world.
-Children. Was it a cheap trick to bring your kid? Yes. Will it really confuse the child and possibly scar him for life? Yes. Did it work? Yes.

Things Des Doesn't like:
-Shining armor. I hope Diogo didn't spend too much at Ricco's Costume Rental Emporium.
-Bad Dancers. Larry tried that dip fifty times, and only two of those people had difficulties. It's the dress' fault.
-Hand-sewn jackets. Poor guy thought he was at a Project Runway audition.
-Lab coats. Or maybe it was the orthodontist's lack of an English accent. Seriously dude, how could you let that go?
-Tailors/magicians
Men whose mothers tell them they are good looking/Probable rapists. "It's making me uncomfortable that you keep trying to take me into dark rooms so I'm going to send you home now." That's fair.

Then, finally, previews for This Season on The Bachelorette. Girlfriends. Fist fights. Castles. Not here for the right reasons. Crying. Lots of crying. Lots of men crying. Exotic locations. Making out in a sea.

It's going to be a great few months.

Til syndication do we part

Congrats you guys! Your totally organic six-week relationship ended in an engagement, and your future looks bright. After your forthcoming televised wedding, assuming your engagement lasts that long, you'll spend the next ten years wishing people would stop staring and stop asking, "hey, aren't you...?". But then the questions will fade and you'll wish they'd start again, because there you'll be, wearing sweats in the grocery store check out line, staring at some fresh-faced, hopeful ladies and one muscular man on the cover of US Weekly, wondering what happened to your helicopter and elephant rides, wondering how your fantasy suite became so lacking in fantasy, and wondering why Chris Harrison never calls anymore. 

Bleak outlook aside, last night was magical. So let's recap and relive that magic, shall we?

Like all MOST DRAMATIC FINALES IN BACHELOR HISTORY, the night started off with Sean's family meeting and greeting the two prospective wives. Sean's mom had some hesitations,  what with Sean having two prospective wives and everything, but eventually sucked it up and smiled for the cameras,  probably because Chris Harrison made a threat.

Sean and Lindsay spend a day on a boat, and it's super boring. She giggles.  He flexes his muscles. They send lanterns into the sky. 

Sean and Catherine ride an elephant. Then Catherine  has a freak out. Now I hope you pardon me while I digress from our plot for a moment because I have something I have to confess. I must confess that I like Catherine. I try to resist any emotional response to Bachelor contestants, and it's usually not difficult. But there's something about Catherine that really makes my sympathize. Maybe it's her honesty. Or maybe it's her genuine surprise at having made it so far on the show. Maybe it's her very real response to stress. Because while Lindsay spends her last hours with Sean giggling and dreaming of her wedding dress, Catherine has a teary melt-down on her bed because the man she loves might propose to another woman the next day.

Have we seen Lindsay's tattoos before? For some reason they're extra obvious in her shiny silver rejection getup. She has all the confidence in the world marching up to Sean on the Sacrificial  Rose Alter of Doom, and beams as Sean begins his teaser speech. When it becomes clear that he is sloppily dumping instead of proposing, her face changes from Bridal glow to furious Alanis Morisette. She removes her high heels and cries in the limo. Obviously.

Our homeboy Chris H. delivers the long awaited letter to Sean, and as much as we all hoped it was from Arie, it was just a snoozey love note from Catherine. A simultaneous read of the letter from both Sean and Catherine provides the soundtrack for Catherine's shuffle to Sean. She finally reaches her man, and as he opens the NEIL LANE box, she begins to seize. I thought the paramedics might make their fourth appearance this season, but Catherine pulls through, accepts the proposal, and she and a very emotional Sean ride off into the sunset on an elephant's back.

We spend the next hour tormenting Lindsay, (how badly did it hurt when Sean crushed your every hope and dream? Be specific),  meeting the new Bachelorette (Des, who probably killed her brother and hid the  body somewhere in the Bachelor Mansion), and celebrating with the blissful couple. The big announcement ABC spent three hours telling use to  wait for? Their wedding will be televised. Duh. If ABC is smart they'll pay Tierra to attend and object.

It's been a fun season, friends. Can't wait to experience the next journey to love with you, Des, and 25 strapping  men. See you then.

So that's what Honey Boo Boo's future looks like

THE WOMEN TELL ALL

But first, a quick recap of last week, when I, your trusted Bach recapper totally failed you.
Sean and the ladies traveled to Thai Land. They made out. A lot. They all agreed to forego their individual rooms and spend the night with Sean, the Born Again Virgin (I don't think that's an actual thing), in the Fantasy Suite. The girls made Sean some pretty shameless videos declaring their love and devotion. AshLee's was the most shameless and also kind of terrifying, and also she wore a dress to the rose ceremony that made  me think she had enhancement surgery a few hours prior.  Sean sent her home, she gave him the silent treatment, blah blah blah. Feel caught up? Good.

So. Last night. The women, all with slightly different hair than we saw during the season, some  better (Robin) some worse (Des), gathered partly to talk about their experiences with each other and with Sean, but mostly to slam Tierra. If there's one thing that can really bring a group of women together, it's hatred for another women. And the hatred was in  large supply. Tierra showed up looking very victimy, with huge doe eyes, an apprehensive frown, and very little makeup. "Give me, vulnerable," I bet she said to her stylist.

Just like every Bachelor Villan ever, Tierra denied any wrong doing, explained that she really does sparkle because she was Little Miss Nevada as a child,  and showed off an engagement ring the size of Kentucky. As some one said on twitter, let's hope the fiance is a paramedic. But let's be honest. There is no fiance. Just like there was no fall down the stairs and there was no hypothermia.

Sarah took a turn in the hot seat, which is weird since she didn't even make it to home towns. But the producers weren't about to pass up an opportunity to have her talk about her missing arm, so there she sat.

Des said she wished things had gone differently, but she was nice and gracious and all around super boring. Moving on.

AshLee.  Oh, AshLee. Look. We all want to say things after a break up. If you are like me, regrettably,  you have said things after a break up. You tell the dumper all the reasons they are a terrible human being, count all the lies they told. and try your best to prove you are so much better off without them. Unfortunately for AshLee, her first post-break up with the dumper happened to be on  national television. When she asked WHY SEAN WHY?! YOU TOLD ME YOU DON'T LOVE THOSE WOMEN, WHY?!, I'm sure she was thinking, See, America, this guy is the worst,  but really, we, America, were thinking, He's just not that into you. 

The program ended with a two minute tribute to a producer's dog who passed away. In that two minutes I felt more love and sympathy for that canine than I've felt for any human being involved in this entire season of The Bachelor.

Next week, THE FINALE. Who do you think the letter is from? Catherine? Emily Maynard? Arie?

A brother's sabotage and Sean tells us nothing at all

By Meg Walter

Does ABC not have shows to broadcast on Tuesday nights? Why do they keep making the Bachelor a two night event? Do they not understand that there's a threshold for Bachelor tolerance and it may not, under any circumstance, exceed two hours a week? Any more and the brain begins a slow, painful self destruction,the result of which we're all dealing with today after this week's 3 hour extravaganza. Too much Bachelor.

It started Monday with the hometown visits. I have no idea what happened with AshLee's family because I was lulled to sleep by her personality. Lindsay acted like a sixteen year old with a scary military daddy and a really giggly mom. She even giggled when Lindsay revealed she spent the first night in a wedding dress. "I love it!"  her mother squawked,  though her reaction may have changed had Lindsay added "I was also plastered and tried shamelessly to put my lips on his lips."

Things started getting interesting with Catherine's family and then down right juicy with Des's. Catherine's sisters sat her down and essentially said, "You know you're on a reality show, right?" and when Sean asked for her mother's blessing he got a "Let's just see what happens." These woman are incredibly realistic about the situation, which in Bachelor World translates into cynical non-believers. Luckily for Catherine, Des has a family of actual cynical, non-believers. If there's one Bachelor taboo, it's accurately describing The  Bachelor. So when Des's brother says, "you're dating multiple women at one  time" and asks "how can you be in love with four people?" he seals his sister's fate as the next girl to cry in a limo.

And so as Sean stares at the head shots in  the decision making room, he thinks about spending  Thanksgiving  with The Man Who Doubts, and he has no choice but to send Des home. She doesn't go without a fight, and begs Sean to change his mind. He looks like he might, but instead gives a long, sad hug, tells her he might regret his decision in  the morning, and sends her home where she will surely never speak to her brother again.  There's an  incredibly terrible moment when Des says, "I just don't even know what to do with my life now," suggesting that winning The Bachelor was her plan, suggesting that she's not the grounded, reasonable girl I previously believed her to be.

Exhausted yet? Yeah, there's still more.

Last night Sean sat down with Chris Harrison for a tell all, all meaning absolutely nothing new. He even went so far as to say "It's none of your business" when asked about the Fantasy Suites. The Bachelor who has spent the last six weeks having multiple relationships on national television, claims a right to  privacy. Then spends the last sixty seconds of the show in a shower.

The Following

By Allyson Hubner

The Following joins a host of other shows like The Killing, The Event, The Closer, The Finder, as a TV that throws “the” in front of a word to make it sound super serious. I watched the pilot episode because I not-so-secretly want Kevin Bacon to do a cross over with Law & Order: SVU to complete my dream of tying every actor every to that show. I have a slight obsession connecting actors to SVU (see attached chart of SVU, Pushing Daisies, and Modern Family). One update to that picture is the new ADA in SVU was also the natural medicine salesman with a crush on Olive in Pushing daisies. 

The show focuses on Kevin Bacon’s character, an alcoholic ex-FBI agent who is called back to help when a serial killer he helped put in prison escapes.  There are the familiar law show roles – the admiring young rookie, the tough agent who doesn’t need Bacon’s help and the charming-yet-dangerous psychopath. 

Despite the unoriginal use of Edgar Allen Poe as inspiration to the serial killer, the pilot did surprise me once or twice.  Enough that I would tune in again, if only in hopes of that SVU crossover.

The girls got what they wanted

By Meg Walter

We meet up with Bachelor Sean and his harem in St. Croix. Within minutes of arrival  Tierra moves a cot into a hallway because, to paraphrase, she's not about to share a room with some girls she doesn't like. Why doesn't she like these girls? Because she doesn't like girls who like her boyfriend.  If Sean is X, and the other girls are Y, then Tierra will not share a room with Y. Math.

AshLee, who has all the personality of a sedated sloth, receives the first date card. Tierra calls her  a cougar. And yeah, if you're 32 and a contestant on The Bachelor,  it might be time to reexamine your life choices. But still. Rude, Tierra.

Sean and AshLee's date has some swimming, some boating, some kissing, and some confessing. Poor AshLee, who already has a terribly troubled past, married a boy as a junior in high school. She's still boring. She does add a bit of intrigue to the evening by spilling about Tierra's true nature. For the first time, Sean seems to be listening.

Tierra receives the second date card and complains that she would not be going boating and that she was going to be sweaty with drippy makeup. Sean and Tierra's date is remarkably uneventful and Tierra senses some distance.

Dez, Chatherine, and Lindsey all take a road trip with Sean,  the self-proclaimed road trip lover. It must be genetic because maybe you've forgotten, but Sean's father is a world-record  holder for his 97 hour journey across  these United States.  The girls take turns telling depressing stories during their one-on-one times. Catherine's dad is sad. Lindsey is deeper than  her wedding dress drunken first impression. Dez still grew up in a  tent. Sean loves them all.

Lesly gets the final one one one date and wears too much make up. Also, she's too smart for Sean.

Sean's Sister Shay (say it 5 times fast) visits and tells Sean what we have all been yelling at the television for the past month: Stay away from the girl who can't get along with other girls.

Meanwhile back at the  ranch, where everyone is lounging around in their bikinis, AshLee asks Tierra about her date. Tierra implodes. She accuses AshLee of sabotage. Words spew from her mouth with increasing intensity and decreasing sanity. Here. I wrote them all down for you:
"Girls are jealous. Men  love me."
"Raised eyebrow? That's my face. I can't help it. I have had no botox or anything."
"They [her parents] said 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not  let those girls take your sparkle away."
"I can't control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow."
"I can't control what's on my face 24/7.  If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7 I would, but my face would get freaking tired."

It is  at this point in the editing that  we cut to Sean telling Shay that he will go get this loved by men hated by women unbotoxed sparkler with a severe eyebrow affliction rendering her incapable of smiling without a a freaking tired face so the two can meet.

Sean finds Tierra crying in her room. She tells Sean, "I'm so sensitive and I  have such a big heart." Sean, finally coming to his senses and seeing beyond Tierra's cleavage, tells her that he's crazy about her so he's sending her home.  It's okay Sean, they hired you for your looks, not your logic.

In the good bye van Tierra says more stuff:
"I can't believe they did this to me."
"I hope the girls got what they wanted."
"I'll be okay. I'm strong."
"I told myself going into here, nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not letting that happen."

And so we say good bye to Tierra and her rogue eyebrow.

I wonder how Tierra's parents reacted to this display. If you name your child Tierra, you probably expect them to act like the prettiest princess on the  playground. But when that princess is 24, and the playground is the Bachelor mansion, it's probably time to cut the sparkle talk and teach some basic life skills like playing well with others, applying moderate amounts of eye-makeup, and keeping emotions in check.

There's no cocktail party because STUFF IS SERIOUS and Sean DOESN'T WANT DRAMA...on The Bachelor. Catherine, Lindsey, Dez and AshLee get a rose.  Lesly does not because she'll make a better  Bachelorette.

Lest you think the drama will subside now  that our villain is gone, next week  promises a fist  fight with a brother during hometown visits. See you there.