Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Bachelorette Week 4: A Hodgepodge of Tomfoolery

Before we dive into this week's recap, take a moment and treat yourself to Jimmy Kimmel's Baby Bachelor. I'm partial to the first episode, though the home town visits are pretty spectacular.

Wasn't that great?  If only the same could be said for last night's Bachelorette.

Des and her harem travel to Atlantic City. "It's like Las Vegas on the ocean!", says one of the guys, trying his hardest to mask the disappointment of not beein in Saint Lucias.

"I want a love that can light the darkness," says Des during her amusement park date with Restraining Order Brad. Unfortunately over dinner  it quickly becomes apparent that Brad is too dim to light even the dark space between clasped hands. So it's good bye Brad and one less BR name we have to remember

The group date is filled with the stuff a Bachelorette Recapper's dreams are made of. The men, with the help of Miss. America, prepare for and compete in The Bachelorette Mr. America. "As a young kid I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. That's all I could ask for out of life," says Michael. I feel like any commentary I make on that quote will by wildly insensitive and inappropriate, so let's move on.
Each contestant is assigned a swimsuit, and every fiber of my being tells me that it was Chris Harrison who decided which men would wear speedos.
The men get nervous when they're informed that they will be pageanting in front of an audience. Do they not know that they are on television?
The performances are as dumb and cringe-inducing as one might hope. Mikey T claims he's tired of being looked at as a piece of meat, then rips of his shirt. Poor Zak W. performs an incredibly heartfelt, incredibly terrible song. And Kasey takes the first place sash with a tap-dance routine. We can assume Michael's heart shattered into five thousand shards as his childhood dream went unfulfilled.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, James enjoys his alone time with a bubble bath and chocolate-covered strawberries. Did he order those from room service? Who picks up the bill for that? Does each man have their own bathrobe or was it just his turn to use the one they all share? Does each guy have his own hotel room with attached bath, or was he bathing in the skin cells of twelve other dudes? Regardless, he seems to be in a state of complete bliss when the date card arrives.

The next morning the men gather and wait for Des to whisk James away. And for the briefest of seconds, we see this:

Kasey, in crown and sash, at the end of the couch. This is the only glimpse. I had to rewind three times to capture it. He's completely cut out of the rest of the scene. I guess the editors were not amused by his attention seeking antics. I sure was though.

James and Des take the least romantic helicopter ride in franchise history as a Red Cross lady points out Hurricane Sandy devastation. It is entirely unmockable, as is the following meet and greet with Manny and Jan, a couple working to rebuild their home after the destruction. Des and James give up their fancy dinner to  the grateful couple, and opt for pizza at a divey bar. It's actually the most appetizing any food has looked on the show. Des must get so tired of chicken and spinach. Over the greasy food James reveals that he cheated on his college girlfriend. It's not nearly as dramatic as it should be. What a let down. James gets a rose.

At the cocktail party the men gripe about Ben, who has yet to do anything to make America hate him. To be fair, we're all accustomed to Tierra-like shenanigans. It takes rogue eyebrows and at least three faked injuries before we start to suspect a true villain.

At the Rose Ceremony, Des sends home some guy named Zack, who I swear I've never seen before. One less Zack to keep track of.

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