The Bachelorette Week 9: The Men Tell Tall

AKA,  The women in the audience do hilarious things with their faces.

The night  starts out with Des and Chris Harrison popping in on some poor, unsuspecting viewers. Imagine you're sitting on the couch, laughing at Des and commenting on how weird her skirt is, when all the sudden she shows up at your front door. That's really going to ruin the episode for you.  You have to say things to her. Things like, "I like the way you pretended to listen to what that guy was saying," and "It's impressive how well your make up stays on when you cry."

One viewing party was bombarded with not only Des and Chris, but Ashley, JP, and some other franchise veterans with babies. I hope they had enough refreshments to go around. And extra diapers.

Then we're subjected to some girl talk between Allie, Emily, Ashley and Des. They discuss the best way to deal with Bad Boys. Don't  ask Des to sing that song. Trust me.  Who are the bad boys, you ask? According to the hot seat sitters, it's Jonathon, The overly eager Fantasy Suiter, Ben, the made hated by all for no apparent reason, and James, the  man hoping to meet tall, successful women in Chicago.

Jonathon  apologizes.

Ben says "Where I'm from, you pursue 'em  pretty hard", and the world pitties his future girlfriend.

And then there's James,  whose defense is essentially that he could tell he wasn't going to win this thing and was planning for the future to soften the inevitable blow. High treason in The Bachelorette Universe. When Des, in her most "I've been betrayed" voice, reminds him that he was in a relationship, he reminds her that she was in  a relationship with twenty five men. It's a pretty valid point. Des scoffs. Point James.

We all amo Juan Pablo

The real takeaway from this too long very special hour is that Juan Pablo is the perfect man. He's our soccer playing single dad. He mentions Des in every conversation. He just wants someone to wake up to, eat dinner with, and go see movies together. I swear on Chris Harrison's ties that I cried a little bit while he spoke. Des is a complete idiot for letting him go. She fakes a Spanish accent and speaks to JP. It's borderline offensive. Des plays the "I sent you home to be with your daughter" card. I think the truth is that she ran out of Spanish phrases. She only knew two. What is wrong with you, Des?

Chris Harrison asks Zak just how heartbroken he is, makes him rewatch his life's saddest moment, then reveal what he wrote in invisible ink in the journal he gifted Des. "Love is it. The only reason to open your home to a stranger. The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom, no risk is too great, no apprehension justifiable. All hope is rooted in it, cause love is our only hope for happiness. And I am happy to say this is love." No, Zak, it really isn't.

Zak sings a song that he either forgot to finish writing or had to cut short due to time constraints. Des tries to look sad and shifts her eyes in a very unnatural way. This woman cries.

Beside reconnecting with Juan Pablo, the whole night is a boring wash, until the preview for THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, FOR REAL THIS TIME.

The audience reacts thusly:

I know, right?

Holy roses I can not wait for next week. Here's my prediction: Although previous previews led us to believe that Drew was the root of the drama, I think it's actually Brooks who makes one lady and three men she what looks to be a whole lotta tears. He must tell her that he's just not really that into it. Someone shoud have warned Des about those Utah boys. They'll break your heart, hon. I've been there.