Wednesday, February 20, 2013

A brother's sabotage and Sean tells us nothing at all

By Meg Walter

Does ABC not have shows to broadcast on Tuesday nights? Why do they keep making the Bachelor a two night event? Do they not understand that there's a threshold for Bachelor tolerance and it may not, under any circumstance, exceed two hours a week? Any more and the brain begins a slow, painful self destruction,the result of which we're all dealing with today after this week's 3 hour extravaganza. Too much Bachelor.

It started Monday with the hometown visits. I have no idea what happened with AshLee's family because I was lulled to sleep by her personality. Lindsay acted like a sixteen year old with a scary military daddy and a really giggly mom. She even giggled when Lindsay revealed she spent the first night in a wedding dress. "I love it!"  her mother squawked,  though her reaction may have changed had Lindsay added "I was also plastered and tried shamelessly to put my lips on his lips."

Things started getting interesting with Catherine's family and then down right juicy with Des's. Catherine's sisters sat her down and essentially said, "You know you're on a reality show, right?" and when Sean asked for her mother's blessing he got a "Let's just see what happens." These woman are incredibly realistic about the situation, which in Bachelor World translates into cynical non-believers. Luckily for Catherine, Des has a family of actual cynical, non-believers. If there's one Bachelor taboo, it's accurately describing The  Bachelor. So when Des's brother says, "you're dating multiple women at one  time" and asks "how can you be in love with four people?" he seals his sister's fate as the next girl to cry in a limo.

And so as Sean stares at the head shots in  the decision making room, he thinks about spending  Thanksgiving  with The Man Who Doubts, and he has no choice but to send Des home. She doesn't go without a fight, and begs Sean to change his mind. He looks like he might, but instead gives a long, sad hug, tells her he might regret his decision in  the morning, and sends her home where she will surely never speak to her brother again.  There's an  incredibly terrible moment when Des says, "I just don't even know what to do with my life now," suggesting that winning The Bachelor was her plan, suggesting that she's not the grounded, reasonable girl I previously believed her to be.

Exhausted yet? Yeah, there's still more.

Last night Sean sat down with Chris Harrison for a tell all, all meaning absolutely nothing new. He even went so far as to say "It's none of your business" when asked about the Fantasy Suites. The Bachelor who has spent the last six weeks having multiple relationships on national television, claims a right to  privacy. Then spends the last sixty seconds of the show in a shower.

Monday, February 18, 2013

The Following

By Allyson Hubner

The Following joins a host of other shows like The KillingThe EventThe CloserThe Finder, as a TV that throws “the” in front of a word to make it sound super serious. I watched the pilot episode because I not-so-secretly want Kevin Bacon to do a cross over with Law & Order: SVU to complete my dream of tying every actor every to that show. I have a slight obsession connecting actors to SVU (see attached chart of SVU, Pushing Daisies, and Modern Family). One update to that picture is the new ADA in SVU was also the natural medicine salesman with a crush on Olive in Pushing daisies. 

The show focuses on Kevin Bacon’s character, an alcoholic ex-FBI agent who is called back to help when a serial killer he helped put in prison escapes.  There are the familiar law show roles – the admiring young rookie, the tough agent who doesn’t need Bacon’s help and the charming-yet-dangerous psychopath. 

Despite the unoriginal use of Edgar Allen Poe as inspiration to the serial killer, the pilot did surprise me once or twice.  Enough that I would tune in again, if only in hopes of that SVU crossover.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The girls got what they wanted

By Meg Walter

We meet up with Bachelor Sean and his harem in St. Croix. Within minutes of arrival  Tierra moves a cot into a hallway because, to paraphrase, she's not about to share a room with some girls she doesn't like. Why doesn't she like these girls? Because she doesn't like girls who like her boyfriend.  If Sean is X, and the other girls are Y, then Tierra will not share a room with Y. Math.

AshLee, who has all the personality of a sedated sloth, receives the first date card. Tierra calls her  a cougar. And yeah, if you're 32 and a contestant on The Bachelor,  it might be time to reexamine your life choices. But still. Rude, Tierra.

Sean and AshLee's date has some swimming, some boating, some kissing, and some confessing. Poor AshLee, who already has a terribly troubled past, married a boy as a junior in high school. She's still boring. She does add a bit of intrigue to the evening by spilling about Tierra's true nature. For the first time, Sean seems to be listening.

Tierra receives the second date card and complains that she would not be going boating and that she was going to be sweaty with drippy makeup. Sean and Tierra's date is remarkably uneventful and Tierra senses some distance.

Dez, Chatherine, and Lindsey all take a road trip with Sean,  the self-proclaimed road trip lover. It must be genetic because maybe you've forgotten, but Sean's father is a world-record  holder for his 97 hour journey across  these United States.  The girls take turns telling depressing stories during their one-on-one times. Catherine's dad is sad. Lindsey is deeper than  her wedding dress drunken first impression. Dez still grew up in a  tent. Sean loves them all.

Lesly gets the final one one one date and wears too much make up. Also, she's too smart for Sean.

Sean's Sister Shay (say it 5 times fast) visits and tells Sean what we have all been yelling at the television for the past month: Stay away from the girl who can't get along with other girls.

Meanwhile back at the  ranch, where everyone is lounging around in their bikinis, AshLee asks Tierra about her date. Tierra implodes. She accuses AshLee of sabotage. Words spew from her mouth with increasing intensity and decreasing sanity. Here. I wrote them all down for you:
"Girls are jealous. Men  love me."
"Raised eyebrow? That's my face. I can't help it. I have had no botox or anything."
"They [her parents] said 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not  let those girls take your sparkle away."
"I can't control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow."
"I can't control what's on my face 24/7.  If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7 I would, but my face would get freaking tired."

It is  at this point in the editing that  we cut to Sean telling Shay that he will go get this loved by men hated by women unbotoxed sparkler with a severe eyebrow affliction rendering her incapable of smiling without a a freaking tired face so the two can meet.

Sean finds Tierra crying in her room. She tells Sean, "I'm so sensitive and I  have such a big heart." Sean, finally coming to his senses and seeing beyond Tierra's cleavage, tells her that he's crazy about her so he's sending her home.  It's okay Sean, they hired you for your looks, not your logic.

In the good bye van Tierra says more stuff:
"I can't believe they did this to me."
"I hope the girls got what they wanted."
"I'll be okay. I'm strong."
"I told myself going into here, nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not letting that happen."

And so we say good bye to Tierra and her rogue eyebrow.

I wonder how Tierra's parents reacted to this display. If you name your child Tierra, you probably expect them to act like the prettiest princess on the  playground. But when that princess is 24, and the playground is the Bachelor mansion, it's probably time to cut the sparkle talk and teach some basic life skills like playing well with others, applying moderate amounts of eye-makeup, and keeping emotions in check.

There's no cocktail party because STUFF IS SERIOUS and Sean DOESN'T WANT DRAMA...on The Bachelor. Catherine, Lindsey, Dez and AshLee get a rose.  Lesly does not because she'll make a better  Bachelorette.

Lest you think the drama will subside now  that our villain is gone, next week  promises a fist  fight with a brother during hometown visits. See you there.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

You're gonna wife that?

By Meg Walter

Does she apply entire tubes of mascara at a time?

There are some  girls, some very confused and misguided girls,  who go on the Bachelor hoping to find a husband.

There are some slightly less confused but still misguided girls who go on  the Bachelor hoping for exposure to launch their acting/modeling/singing career.

And then there's Tierra.

Tierra wants to see her face on the cover of US Weekly. She wants to get the most screen time during The Girls Tell  All. She wants a proposal, a  four month engagement, a round of talk show interviews, a devastating televised break up, and then an invitation to participate in  Bachelor Pad. .

After the four (FOUR!) hours of Bachelor the past two days, it's become clear that Tierra is a freaking genius player.

Tierra knows it doesn't matter if the other girls like her. In fact,  it's better if they don't. They'll waste their precious one on one time tattling. She'll spend her one on one time crying on Sean's shoulder about how no one likes her because she's so pretty. He's not very smart. He believes her.

Tierra knows there are no rules. She can show up wherever Sean is whenever she likes. It could be a group date she wasn't invited to. It could be a hot tub with another bikini-ed woman. It could be Sean's closet or the trunk of his car. Who's going to stop her, Chris Harrison? No. No one is actually in charge.

Tierra knows that Sean wants to use his rippling muscles to hold and comfort her. She does her best to  suffer from  a concussion, a nervous breakdown and hypothermia. She's not very convincing but Sean gets to use his rippling muscles to hold and comfort her.

Even if Tierra doesn't win, she kind of already has. We're all talking about her in the same way we all talked about Vienna and Courtney (do you remember any one else's name from their season?). Do we like her? Of course not.  Does that matter? Of course not.