Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette Week 11: The Most Unshocking Shocking Conclusion of The Bachelorette in Bachelorette History

The Bachelorette picks up right where we left off last week, with a weepy Desiree in a wicker chair being comforted by Chris Harrison,  who it turns out, is really bad at comforting. "Are you ok?," he asks. "Yes," Des replies. "But you're not," he says and then watches as she melts into a puddle of sad. She's heart broken, but she's contractually obligated (I assume), so the show goes on with a teary rose ceremony. Both Chris and Drew get a rose because ABC needs to milk one more episode out of this thing.

Des hops back in the literal saddle and begins a horseback date with Drew. They make some very small talk about the beauty of the island, and Des asks if Drew has been enjoying himself. "Yes," he says. "Have you been to the pool?," she asks. "No." "To the beach?" "No. Just hanging out in my hotel room."  It confirms our suspicions that Drew i s nothing more than a handsome robot. Once off camera he powers down and sits on the edge of his bed until his next date with Des. This is the creepy straw that breaks Des The Camel's back, and it's a swift sianara to Drew.

And then there was Chris. Every time I look at him, I see this:

So it's fitting that booger is an anagram for goober. We've seen this goober's boogers. But he's a goober who doesn't give up, and seems pretty okay with winning by virtue of not having left already and not being a handsome robot.  And Des seems pretty okay with him winning by virtue of not having left already and not being a handsome robot. 

So yeah. Chris takes it. He chooses a Neil Lane diamond, he asks Des to have his babies and grow old with him. In response she first clarifies just how much she loved Brooks, you know, a week ago, and then accepts his proposal to get wrinkly together. My heart breaks because neither of them attempt to rhyme anything the whole episode. 

So I hope you too were delighted when, during the After The Final Rose Ceremony Chris presenrs Des with what he calls his latest "piece". A poem framed with the dried rose petals. Really. The poem reads:

My Girl
A Poem by Chris Siegfried

I found the woman of my dreams
She is now by my side every day
The love that is eternal and full of passion
will keep us together and never go away
I get to hold you and hug you
I get to kiss you and love you
Like a drum my heart never stops beating
And I will always be there for you
You are the one. You are the one for me
The only one I want
The only way I want this to continue
is with you in my life, every moment
Always meant to be.
Fall forward with me. Forever.
I love you.

"The only thing that rhymes with 'you' is 'you'" is totally what Chris thought when he wrote this.
Other highlights of the ATFRC include Brooks looking sharp in a suit and haircut, and Drew still  being a handsome robot. I'm so glad this is over and I never have to hear Des say, "To be honest" or "You look so adorable" ever again.

Luckily, the future of this franchise is bright and named Juan Pablo. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bachelor:

See you there. 

1 comment:

  1. Ok. I must comment because i actually was shocked at the ending. Maybe it was because i read a spoiler that said Brooks won. The naive me had no idea they could be wrong. Anyway, I was waiting the whole time for him to pop back in. Even in the ATRC when Des was looking sad that Brooks is still so handsome, i thought she might run back to him. Truth be told, ever since i read the spoiler i was bummed, because i actually liked Chris and didn't want Brooks to win. So ends my novel of a comment.