Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Bachelorette Week 5: Mormon in the house

Are we only on week  five? Oof.


Des takes Chris out for a day of tourist nonsense. German phrase book in hand, the two try on lederhosen, sample meats and reinforce stereotypes of Americans by dancing around like idiots in a public square. It's during this display that  Bryden shows up, says he's not that into this whole thing but thanks for the free trip to Germany, and leaves. Des cries for .3 seconds then resumes her date with Chris, who reads her this poem over dinner:
Thoughts so honest (title)

While I stand there waiting watching you
You dress so perfect
You look so cute
You reach for red, a chance you'll take
the choice is right and your mind is made
While I stand there waiting my thoughts run free
thoughts of past relationships, old to me
Girls I used to think were true
All out of mind as I think of you
The plan here now, not up to me
Feelings eternal if you choose me
Can you believe he wrote that himself? Can you believe Des is into it? She even ugly cries at the ode's conclusion. Chris gets a rose AND a private performance by Matt White. You would think the caliber of performers would increase as the weeks ware on. You would be wrong.

All the other men except Probably Gay Michael and Ben receive a group date card, meaning Michael and Ben are left for the dreaded two-on-one date. Two men enter, one man leaves, the other gets a rose. Michael, never one for exaggeration or outrageous statements says, "This is a competitive  gladiator style setting. I now need to go and  murder Ben."

The group date guys and Des take a tram to the top of Germany's highest peak and make lots of metaphors about sledding and  love. Juan Pablo struggles to say yodeler. I love Juan Pablo, and not just because he thought the word for yodeler was "juggler." I hope he wins.
The crew hangs out in an ice cave, spy on each other kissing Des, and Brooks gets the rose.

The next day Michael says, "Today is Armageddon " and by that he means it's time for the two-on-one. What does Des have in store for these two sworn enemies? Quality time together in a hot tub, of course! Not just any hot tub though. A hot tub that is a boat that floats on a freezing German river. Leave it to the Bachelorette team to bring America the latest in hot tub innovation. Things get pretty tense out there on the water. "Funny how we haven't  heard anything about your son," says Michael to Ben."I had an absentee father so I can relate to your son," says Michael. "I wonder if I'll die if I jump overboard," wonders Des. The confrontation continues in a cozy cottage where the three feast on schnitzel and at least three different colors of alcohol. A maybe slightly intoxicated Michael accuses Ben of being rotten and Des tries desperately to change the subject. "What traditions do you want to enjoy with your future family?" she asks. Ben starts talking about church until Michael interrupts "You didn't go to church Easter Sunday." When Ben retorts that it was a Catholic Mass in German, Michael says, "So? There was a Jewish guy there and  a Mormon." A Mormon! We're taking over the world! We're running for president and we're winning the Bachelorette (Jef)! But who do you think it is? Brooks is the obvious choice, what with his constant smiling and his hometown of Salt Lake. But Chris has a very mormony look about him. And I wouldn't be surprised if Drew learned to part his hair like that on his mission. Maybe we'll find out during home town visits.
Anyway. The attacks become too much for Ben and he excuses himself from the table. Des gives Michael the look my mom gave me when I peed in the middle of the grocery store when I was four. I should have known better and the same goes for Michael. But his strategy pays off when Des sends Ben packing,much to the glee of the men sitting around in the hotel room.

Turns out Mikey and James are planning their futures post-Bachelorette, or so says Drew and Kasey. These futures include tall women who will be seduced on boats. Wait what? Who makes those kinds of plans? Mikey and James do. And, according to Drew and Kasey, James is gunning to be the next Bachelor. Drew and Kasey plan to reveal these scandalous details to Des at the cocktail party, but TWIST, there will be no cocktail party because Des tells Chris Harrison such while dressed as the Dowager Countess sitting in Dracula's castle.

Roses for everyone but Mikey. Don't worry about him though. He knows where to find tall women to take on boats.


  1. I didn't even consider that someone other than Brooks could be the Mormon, but those two are especially Mormony. The traditions question was really some of her best material.

  2. Brooks is LDS. He was my friend's LDS mission companion in Uruguay.