Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Bachelorette Week 3: You're a Lying, Cheating, Deceitful Pig

I think Brian's audition for The Bachelorette went a little something like this:

Brian: Hey, I'm Brian, I can bench press a milk cow and I enjoy acoustic guitar
Casting Director: Brian, we're looking to add a little conflict to this season. Tell us about the women in your life.
Brian: Well I just got out of a relationship with a single mother who threw rocks at my head.
Casting Director: Do you think she'd be willing to make a surprise appearance? Maybe call you a lying, cheating, deceitful pig?
Brian: I guess so, but I'm really here to find love.
Casting Director: We'll pay you double.
Brian: You got yourself a deal.

"What about my son?!" She yelled like 27 times, without ever explaining why

And so rock-throwing, baby mama Stephanie shows up, stakes her claim, and a really large man named Paulie escorts Brian off the premises. I bet Paulie is always on hand. I bet he stands by Chris Harrison at all times. I bet the job he applied for was "Official Lying, Cheating, Deceitful Pig Get Ridder Of."

Brooks takes a page out of Tierra's playbook and requires an ambulance ride to the hospital. Because he broke his finger playing dodge ball. I'm not making this up. Brian's casting? Yeah. I made that up. Brooks' injury? There's no way I could. It's too amazing. We get some great, gritty, hospital room footage of Brooks fighting for his life. At some point he passes out. Just a reminder, he hurt his FINGER playing DODGE BALL. Will he pull through? Or will this be the first ever franchise death?  He will. It won't. Brooks makes  a triumphant return to the group date, finger bandaged, ego wounded.

Des spends half the episode in fleshy colored pants, making it seem as though she spent half the episode half naked.

Brandon tells more sad stories. Brandon tells Des he is in love with her. Des tells Brandon good bye.

The men hate Ben, probably because they need something to talk about.

Brad manages to spin a story about his domestic violence offence and restraining order to make him look like a caring, single parent.

Chris Harrison appears to have raided my shirt collection from 2003. So many fitted, western-cut tops in one episode.

Des and Juan Pablo make out and while they're supposed to be synergizing The Lone Ranger. Disney/ABC/Affiliated syndicates fail.

And some other stuff happened but it's already 9pm and I still haven't posted this. So until next week...


  1. Ok, so I usually don't start watching til they've whittled the field down to like 10 guys. But seriously: Brian, Brooks, Brandon, Ben, and Brad? By the looks of it, I'd take Juan Pablo just for some first initial variety. There is no way she is keeping these guys' names straight without producer help.

  2. This was actually the most interesting Brian has been so far. I don't think Des really cared whether or not they were dating, I think she just realized she could never compete with those cheek implants.