Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 6: Have you ever fart in the public?

A viking ship full of boys in pastel shorts sails into Venice, 

to meet the Queen of Love in her appropriately decor-ed gondola. 

She had to have borrowed that ride from an escort service, right?

The only dude who hasn't been on a one-on-one with Andi is Cody, so when Andi announces that there is no date card and the next date starts immediately, Cody all but waves goodbye to the group and reaches for Andi's hand. But....twist...Andi is actually taking Nick on her first Italian date.

Nick is pleased.

Cody is not.

The other men do not like Nick because Andi does. At the hotel they gossip and speculate and wonder if maybe Andi will send Nick home because of the drama from last week, drama which seemed completely fabricated and necessary only to stretch the show for two hours.

Nick and Andi do romantic Venice-y things like hold hands on a bridge,

I want that coat, like, yesterday

contract Avian Flu,

and clog their friends' Instagram feeds with selfies. 

#hats #luv #hott #followback

The group date card arrives back at the hotel. Cody's name is absent, meaning, yes, Cody, you finally get that one-on-one. Cody's muscles explode in excitement.

Nick and Andi make their gondola guy wish he had gone into a different profession.

Then prepare for dinner. Andi goes for an understated look

and understated location.

They talk, they resolve their completely made-up issues, and Andi roses Nick.

Then makes him wear a mask because when in Venice, invent your own venetian customs and enforce them on your lover. 

The next day Andi receives another note from her secret admirer. 

The editors employ this cinematic technique again because this show isn't stupid enough as is:

For the group date, Andi takes her men in waiting to a torture chamber

and introduces two guys who have definitely murdered and hid multiple bodies for the Italian mafia. 

Andi calls them, "Two of Italy's finest experts in administering and delivering Lie Detector Tests."
Super scary guy says something in Italian, and slightly less scary guy translates, "We are here to make with you a lie detector test."

This. THIS. This is what television should be. I would watch one hundred hours of Joe Pesci's evil cousin administering lie detector tests to single dudes.

The questions include "Are you here for the right reasons?", "Do you think you could fall in love with Andi?" and "Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?", to which Dylan answered NO?! No surprise that after the test he doesn't feel well and has to return to the hotel room. One can only walk around with poop on their hands for so long before coming down with hepatitis or dysentery.  Gross.

When asked, "Are you Andi's secret admirer?", Chris answers "yes." Chris becomes concerned that Andi will see this confession on the test results.

But luckily for Chris, Andi destroys the results. Andi, you fool. You may end up with Dylan and have to deal with a series of deadly, communicable diseases the rest of your life. 

Andi and the guys toast to trust and a day completely wasted.

Brian administers his own lie detector test and asks, "Do you want to make out?" Smooth. 

Markus drops the L word.

And Josh accuses Andi of not trusting him.

This upsets Andi, but it's hard to take her seriously when she's wearing the necklace she picked up at Joe's Surf Shack during spring break in seventh grade. 

Chris reveals his secret admiring identity.

Which turns out to be a smart move when he is rewarded with a rose.

JJ pouts and says, "I'm getting a little sick of everybody congratulating everyone else on getting roses and advancing." JJ is then burned at the stake.

For their date, Andi takes Cody to Verona. The two play Romeo and Juliette. Shakespeare moans in agony from the depths of his grave.

Then they visit the Juliette Club, an organization that receives and responds to letters about troubles in love. 

Cody is so inspired after spending the day responding to these letters that he writes his own epistle to Andi. 

In essence it says, "I can't wait for you to meet my mom and for us to get married and have lots of babies." His enthusiasm is a bit much.

Andi eventually has to cut him off mid-declaration of undying devotion to tell him she's just not feeling it. 

Week 6 is the best week because it always means the return of the limo-cam. Cody spends his ride to the airport crying and lamenting the love lost. 

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison shows up. What does Chris Harrison do all week? Does he sit at Italian cafes and sip red wine? Does he go out clubbing every night? Or is he hard at work on set, asking Andi and whatever boy she may be with if they can do that scene over again? We may never know. 

Chris and Andi have a heart to heart. Andi's had a bit of a rough week. She's doubting the process. It's going to be a tough rose ceremony. Usual week 6 stuff.

Look at that table full of boys. Six of them practice proper bathroom hygiene. One of them does not. Had she read those lie detector results, this would not be a tough call.

A quick aside: Some of Andi's dresses are complete misses. But this dress was a real hit. 

Andi presents roses to all but JJ,

who spends his ride to the airport lamenting love lost. 

I hope during this toast no one touches hands with Dylan.

See you next week.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 5: I've got my mime on my money and my money on my mime

This week we catch up with Andi and the gang in Marseille. So, obviously, when the first date card arrives, it arrives in French.

Josh pretends to not be annoyed at being asked out in a language he doesn't speak.

Let's say there's a sixth grade class somewhere in middle America. This class is putting on a play. It's a play about France. They write the script, paint some sets, and put together costumes. Chris Harrison is dressed like he's the star of that sixth grade play about France. If he were wearing beret, his ensemble would be offensive.

Look at that man of international class and grace.

Chris talks to Andi about something. She says "Stop" which I interpret to mean "Stop dressing like the professor everyone hated in college".

On their date, Andi and Josh stroll around Marseille,

do a bit of sailing, 

a bit of King of the World-ing, 

and a bit of heimlich-maneuvering. 

Back at the hotel, the remaining men receive the group date card. 

It's the best date card yet.

Then things get a little juicy when some of the fellas start hating on Andrew. 

The international sign for "Pantsapeneur"

JJ reveals that Andrew made a racist remark during the first rose ceremony.

Understandably, Marquel takes offense. 

And understandably, he gets upset.

On the date, Andi and Josh have a serious talk, one Andi feels they need because she's afraid he's just like every other athlete she's dated.

She decides he's different from every other athlete she's ever dated. She gives him the rose.

They do not eat their dinner which appears to be par-broiled snake heads. Can't really blame them for that one.

Then, you're not going to believe this, but Ben Fields is in Marseille! That's right, I said Ben Fields. Not Folds. Fields. Who I'm guessing is making a living off of being mistaken for Ben Folds.

So surprising that this has happened for the 39th time this season.

Then, in the tradition of making her suitors' lives a living hell, Andi has a fun day of humiliation planned. Andi and this character who will forever haunt your nightmares:

Turns out, just like singing and stripping, the guys aren't particularly gifted at miming. 

"Fortunately we're in a dance studio and no one can see us," says someone asking for trouble. 

Meanwhile, Brain gets the week's final date card which reads, 

"Brian, I've got the recipe for love.

Brian is pleased.

Because spending the afternoon pretending to be stuck in a box isn't terrible enough, the dudes are forced outdoors and summarily forced to make complete fools of themselves dressed like the rest of the cast in Chris Harrison's play. 

The French don't much take to the debacle.

"Americans should never come to France and mime. Ever," says Marcus, making Marcus my new favorite. 

Andi notices that Nick isn't having a great time. 

"I can see the misery on Nick's face. He's not happy," says Andi. Huh. I wonder what it is about this situation that could possibly make Nick less than thrilled. 

That night JJ takes Andi for a surprise ferris wheel ride

while grown men get in a spat over who Andi likes best. 

Cody calls out Nick for thinking he's the front runner. A producer hits the soundtrack button marked "tension".

Patrick adds his opinion to the mix, calling Nick arrogant and ungentlemanly.

Cody acts super gentlemanly and speaks in refined vocabulary, 

then throws Nick under the bus. 

Nick doesn't want to talk about it, because he's a grown man.

"If I was your wife would you tell me?" asks Andi. Which is not a fair question, because if Andi wants to act like a wife to Nick, she should probably stop kissing a bakers dozen worth of men.

Wisely changing the subject, Nick recites a poem he wrote for Andi.

When I see you I smile,
When I see you I blush,
When I see you I get nervous,
When I see you my chests bursts with excitement.
When I see you I see beauty,
When I see you I see strength,
When I see you I see purpose,
When I see you I see a future.

My guess is that the paper in Nick's hand is actually a grocery list, and he just threw all those words together on the fly to get out of having to talk about another grown man.

It works, and Andi asks, "Are you going to kiss me already or what?" 

Marquel confronts Andrew about the alleged racist remarks.

Andrew acts shocked, denies any wrong doing, the two are friends again and the episode dissolves without further incident. It's a major disappointment.

On their on-on-one, Brian and Andi enjoy a private screening of The Hundred Foot Journey, and carry the spirit of cinema through the rest of their day. 

"I feel like a character in a movie. It's just like a fairytale kind of," Andi says while the guy next to her on the street does this:

Andi decides it would be so fun to make dinner in her apartment. You know, just like in the movie! Brian, it turns out, is not a huge fan of cooking, gets cold and distant, blah blah blah, who cares. The real story is whatever is happening outside Andi's window.

Either Andi has a perverse design aesthetic, or a member of The Blue Man group has murdered his wife and hid her body on a Marseille rooftop.

Andi shows us why she rarely eats on camera:

and the frog leg dinner is a total bust. So they head out for a meal.

And a kiss.

And then waltz right into a restaurant kitchen for more kissing. Americans. They think they own everything. 

Andi decides to forego the cocktail party this week, and skips straight to the Rose Ceremony dressed as a Madame of a House of Ill Repute.

Roses for all but Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel.

Andrew plays the victim. He's been bullied, harrassed, etc.

"Am I surprised I'm walking out the door this evening? Yes. I don't get it," Patrick states. The good news is that he and Andrew can now live a quiet, happy life together.

Marquel, who let's face it, has had a rough week, gets emotional. 

I genuinely like Marquel and am sad to see him go. 

The remaining men and Andi toast to their upcoming "journey" to Venice. See you there.