Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Bachelorette Week 1: You will not float

"A toast to new faces and new hot bodies," says Des, the self-proclaimed Cinderella, Belle of the Ball, and our new Bachelorette. Sure, I'll drink to that.

The first fifteen minutes of the season premiere feels more like Extreme Home Makeover as Des pulls up in her crappy car, reminisces about her humble beginnings  ("my family lived in an  apartment"), and walks around her spacious Malibu Bachelorette Pad, says "Oh My Gosh" and "wow", then drives off in her new blindingly blue convertible that "purrs like a kitten." Whether she  gets to keep the home and the car isn't clear, but I suspect as soon as filming wraps, Chris Harrison will be knocking on the door with an eviction notice in hand.

The next fifteen minutes consist of Des rhapsodizing about love whilst acting like a first grader. Rollerblading in a bikini, trying on sunglasses and hats, sliding down slides, and chasing seagulls while dreaming of her future husband who is sure to be among the twenty-five men ABC producers selected for their ratings appeal.

Then we meet the men. Apparently Advertising Exec is to The Bachelorette as Professional Assistant is to The Bachelor. At least ten of these guys have "marketing" in their title. The remaining fifteen are made up of The Guy Who Invented Spinning Signs on the Street, Tailor/Magician, Ex-Professional  Soccer Player,  Orthodontist, Naked Oil Driller, War Veteran, ER Doctor, Lawyer, Law Student, Dad, and I forgot the rest. I also forgot most of their names. I don't have the stamina to sit through the two-hour premiere again, so forgive me for referring to some of our Bachelors as "The One Who _______".

We spend the rest of evening learning what Des likes and what Des dislikes. I've organized them for you.

Things Des likes:
-Abs. If "Will You Accept These Abs?" as an introduction isn't a red flag, I'm not sure what is. But Des seems to have muscle blindness, because Naked Oil Driller remains in play.
-Sexy accents. He had her at "Hello, I am Juan Pablo."
-Men who speak in twitter. #Marriagematerial. #Gorgeous. #Imgoingtoreachthroughmytelevisionsetandpunchyourface.
-Black guys. Or at least the one black guy in this group.
-Gay guys. When Des said of one of the men "We have so much in common," my husband and I simultaneously said, "Yeah, you both like men." It was that apparent.
-Poetry. The really good kind that rhymes "ocean" with "emotion."
-Other women's AA  coins. "You can give it back to my mom during the home town date," says the smartest guy in  the world.
-Children. Was it a cheap trick to bring your kid? Yes. Will it really confuse the child and possibly scar him for life? Yes. Did it work? Yes.

Things Des Doesn't like:
-Shining armor. I hope Diogo didn't spend too much at Ricco's Costume Rental Emporium.
-Bad Dancers. Larry tried that dip fifty times, and only two of those people had difficulties. It's the dress' fault.
-Hand-sewn jackets. Poor guy thought he was at a Project Runway audition.
-Lab coats. Or maybe it was the orthodontist's lack of an English accent. Seriously dude, how could you let that go?
Men whose mothers tell them they are good looking/Probable rapists. "It's making me uncomfortable that you keep trying to take me into dark rooms so I'm going to send you home now." That's fair.

Then, finally, previews for This Season on The Bachelorette. Girlfriends. Fist fights. Castles. Not here for the right reasons. Crying. Lots of crying. Lots of men crying. Exotic locations. Making out in a sea.

It's going to be a great few months.

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