Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The girls got what they wanted

By Meg Walter

We meet up with Bachelor Sean and his harem in St. Croix. Within minutes of arrival  Tierra moves a cot into a hallway because, to paraphrase, she's not about to share a room with some girls she doesn't like. Why doesn't she like these girls? Because she doesn't like girls who like her boyfriend.  If Sean is X, and the other girls are Y, then Tierra will not share a room with Y. Math.

AshLee, who has all the personality of a sedated sloth, receives the first date card. Tierra calls her  a cougar. And yeah, if you're 32 and a contestant on The Bachelor,  it might be time to reexamine your life choices. But still. Rude, Tierra.

Sean and AshLee's date has some swimming, some boating, some kissing, and some confessing. Poor AshLee, who already has a terribly troubled past, married a boy as a junior in high school. She's still boring. She does add a bit of intrigue to the evening by spilling about Tierra's true nature. For the first time, Sean seems to be listening.

Tierra receives the second date card and complains that she would not be going boating and that she was going to be sweaty with drippy makeup. Sean and Tierra's date is remarkably uneventful and Tierra senses some distance.

Dez, Chatherine, and Lindsey all take a road trip with Sean,  the self-proclaimed road trip lover. It must be genetic because maybe you've forgotten, but Sean's father is a world-record  holder for his 97 hour journey across  these United States.  The girls take turns telling depressing stories during their one-on-one times. Catherine's dad is sad. Lindsey is deeper than  her wedding dress drunken first impression. Dez still grew up in a  tent. Sean loves them all.

Lesly gets the final one one one date and wears too much make up. Also, she's too smart for Sean.

Sean's Sister Shay (say it 5 times fast) visits and tells Sean what we have all been yelling at the television for the past month: Stay away from the girl who can't get along with other girls.

Meanwhile back at the  ranch, where everyone is lounging around in their bikinis, AshLee asks Tierra about her date. Tierra implodes. She accuses AshLee of sabotage. Words spew from her mouth with increasing intensity and decreasing sanity. Here. I wrote them all down for you:
"Girls are jealous. Men  love me."
"Raised eyebrow? That's my face. I can't help it. I have had no botox or anything."
"They [her parents] said 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not  let those girls take your sparkle away."
"I can't control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow."
"I can't control what's on my face 24/7.  If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7 I would, but my face would get freaking tired."

It is  at this point in the editing that  we cut to Sean telling Shay that he will go get this loved by men hated by women unbotoxed sparkler with a severe eyebrow affliction rendering her incapable of smiling without a a freaking tired face so the two can meet.

Sean finds Tierra crying in her room. She tells Sean, "I'm so sensitive and I  have such a big heart." Sean, finally coming to his senses and seeing beyond Tierra's cleavage, tells her that he's crazy about her so he's sending her home.  It's okay Sean, they hired you for your looks, not your logic.

In the good bye van Tierra says more stuff:
"I can't believe they did this to me."
"I hope the girls got what they wanted."
"I'll be okay. I'm strong."
"I told myself going into here, nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not letting that happen."

And so we say good bye to Tierra and her rogue eyebrow.

I wonder how Tierra's parents reacted to this display. If you name your child Tierra, you probably expect them to act like the prettiest princess on the  playground. But when that princess is 24, and the playground is the Bachelor mansion, it's probably time to cut the sparkle talk and teach some basic life skills like playing well with others, applying moderate amounts of eye-makeup, and keeping emotions in check.

There's no cocktail party because STUFF IS SERIOUS and Sean DOESN'T WANT DRAMA...on The Bachelor. Catherine, Lindsey, Dez and AshLee get a rose.  Lesly does not because she'll make a better  Bachelorette.

Lest you think the drama will subside now  that our villain is gone, next week  promises a fist  fight with a brother during hometown visits. See you there.

1 comment:

  1. I seriously laughed out loud at the "sparkle" bits. I kept waiting for her to show up during the rose ceremony, or break free from the van and run like a mad woman towards sean and sister. And him to fall for it...