Wednesday, February 26, 2014

El Bachelor Week 8.2: It's okay

Well, I think we can all agree that Part 2 of the Two Night Special Bachelor Event/The Bachelor Like You've Never Seen It Before/What Happens in the Fantasy Suite Stays in the Fantasy Suite was a monumental let down.

Hey Chris Harrison, next time you promise controversy and intrigue, there had better be a murder or affair. At the very least an old lover making a dramatic return. An argument over the word "default" does not deserve its own 2-hour special.

But I recapped it anyway.

Here we go.

Juan Pablo matches his shirt to the Saint Lucian ocean and prepares for his day...and possibly night....with Clare.

You'll never guess where he takes here.
Yes you will.
He takes her to a yacht.
Just like every other date this season. Yachts are the new helicopters.

Here's the snack Clare and Juan Pablo don't eat:

Clare asks what Juan Pablo thought of her family. He lies and responds, "All your sisters were awesome"

Then he kisses Clare to stop her from asking any more questions.

Knowing that the evening portion of the date will include a key to the fantasy suite, and assuming Clare will accept his invitation, Juan Pablo says,"We're going to get to know each other better. A LOT better." Hey entendre, double much?

Later, during a brief lull in conversation, Juan Pablo says, "You've been doing some good thinking here, I like that." This is the first of many times during the episode that Juan Pablo makes note of a woman using her brain, as though it's a novelty new to him in his thirty two years of living.

Thinking face

Turns out Clare is thinking about the future. That's no fun, so JP quickly pulls out the Fantasy Suite card:

Clare wavers for three seconds. After all, Juan Pablo did hurtle her under the bus last time they had a late-night encounter, and she has good reason to believe he'll do it again. But his charm defeats her hesitation, and she accepts his offer.

Pleased with Clare's answer, Juan Pablo says, "When we wake up we'll know about each other a lot more." Barf.

"Why are you thinking so much?" Juan Pablo asks Clare in the FS, clearly more annoyed than entertained by Clare's insistence on using her mind AGAIN. 

Clare, replies "I'm just like loving falling in love with you," and then she makes this face.

By the way, here's the dinner they don't eat:

Cut to the hot tub and Clare's narration:"He's that man I want to have babies with and get married to." Well, you're well on your way to that first thing.

We know things are getting steamy because the music transforms into sexy spanish guitar and the camera pans to the jacuzzi water.

The rest is Fantasy Suite history.

The next day, three minutes before meeting Andi for their special day/night together, Juan reports: "My sleepover last night with Clare was great. I'm so glad we decided to spend the night together. It's the best way to get to know each other." Barf again.

Juan Pablo and Andi ruin a Sea Food Fest for everyone else in attendance by insisting on taking over the job of trained musicians. They are really terrible at drumming.

Then Juan Pablo tries to force a child to accept juice from a stranger.

Later Juan Pablo's shirt-to-sweat ratio reaches critical mass.


The lovers hop in a buggy of sorts and Andi says, "I can see myself riding passenger seat with him." You know, it's not hard to see yourself riding passenger seat with someone when you are in actuality riding passenger seat with them.

JP takes Andi to another waterfall, because if she likes one, she must like them all.

That night Juan Pablo presents Andi with the Fantasy Suite invitation:

Andi excitedly agrees to spend the night with him.

And the rest is Fantasy Suite history.

Perhaps the most historical of all fantasy suite history. 

The next morning, Juan Pablo feels this way about their night together.

And Andi feels this way:

"Waking up this morning, I cannot wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite. The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare," Andi says. Then she lists everything JP did that made her night so unbearable:

-He only told stories about himself, and never asked about her.
-He dropped names.
-He talked about his night with Clare.
-He had no filter.


The realization that Juan Pablo is not God's gift to woman and instead just a guy on a show is upsetting to Andi:

Before his date with Nikki, Juan Pablo continues his weird habit of filling us in on his time spent with other women.
"I got to see Clare in a bikini all day," he says, then makes a horrific cat noise.
"Every time I get to hang out with Andi it just gets better and better," he adds obliviously.

And then we see Nikki. Wearing this.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but my understanding is that these women are given clothes to wear. So clearly, someone in wardrobe is trying to sabotage Nikki's chance of finding love or being able to show her face in public ever again.

The ensemble doesn't look any better on horseback.

There's a pineapple they don't eat:

And the beginning of a serious talk that Juan Pablo quickly shuts down with a kiss:

That night an exasperated Juan Pablo tells Nikki, "You've been thinking a lot today." What is it with these girls and thinking?

To prevent any further brain use, Juan presents the Fantasy Suite card:

Nikki accepts immediately and it's off to the FS they go.
"What are you thinking?" Juan Pablo asks, which might read like a sincere question but is really more of a reprimand.

And then Nikki drops the L word. That's the end of the night's thinking.
Juan Pablo says, "I cannot wait to learn more about Nikki. My intention is for her to get to see the real me." Gross.

The rest is Fantasy Suite history:

An affinity for billowy pants must be a communicable disease, because the next day Juan Pablo takes a page out of Nikki's book and opts for these puppies:

He sits down with Chris Harrison, probably thanks him for the rewards he reaped from those fantasy suite cards, and declares: "I feel good all these women that I have." Chris Harrison explains to the home audience that there's a language barrier, and what Juan means to say is that Juan loves these women because this is The Bachelor, gosh dangit, and if you can't find love here than you can't find love anywhere except maybe anywhere else but here.

Then Chris H. presents videos from the final three contestants.

"I love you, let's get married, blah blah blah" -Nikki.

"I love you, let's get married, blah blah blah" -Clare.

"We need to talk"- Andi.

Here she comes in her formal shorts and talkin' face:

During this stroll Andi explains, "I tried to talk to him about serious things and all he'd say was 'besitos.' He just wanted to tell me it was okay and give me a kiss." 
What? That's weird. We definitely haven't seen that behavior from Juan Pablo before.

She sits with Juan Pablo and says, "[After the Fantasy Suite] I realized I wasn't in love with you. I wasn't going to be. It wasn't going to work."

"That's fine. That's okay," he replies.

This is not what Andi was expecting, and insulted by his failure to say "No...stay...please don't go..." Andi goes on the attack.

She explains that she left behind family, friends, a job, and missed a wedding to be here. It should not just be okay.

Juan Pablo explains that English is his second language and okay does not mean to him what it means to her.

Then they argue over vocabulary for a good while.

Then Andi asks, "Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political views are? My views on social issues? Things that matter? Do you have any idea how I want to raise my kids? Do you have any idea about any of that?"

"I have no idea about any of that," answers Juan. Then thinking he can trap her in hypocrisy he asks,
"What's my religion?"
"Catholic," answers Andi in a split second.


In the end, there is no winner. Andi accomplishes nothing by trying to explain to an obnoxious person what it is that makes him obnoxious. Juan Pablo's pants are still puffy.

Juan feels this way about the conversation:

And Andi feels this way:

Then things get kind of serious and sad when Andi says, "It makes me question if I'm ever going to find love. If I'm going to know it if I see it or not. Are my standards just so high that I'll never see it?"

This show is not real. I sincerely hope Andi knows that. That she realizes love, actual love, is not to be found on reality television. That someone somewhere cares about her religion, her thoughts on social issues, and about her hopes for parenting. Someone wants to hear all her stories. But she will never find that person on The Bachelor, where one flawed man is presented to twenty-seven women and an audience of millions as an infallible, perfect human who should be worshipped and obeyed by all who cross his path. It's a joke. This show is a joke. I hope this blog, at the very least, demonstrates such.


Chris Harrison informs Nikki and Clare that Andi has left. Here are their "shocked" faces:

And here they are sharing a toast with the man they both hope to marry.
"To still being here," they say.

Cheers, guys.