Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Til syndication do we part

Congrats you guys! Your totally organic six-week relationship ended in an engagement, and your future looks bright. After your forthcoming televised wedding, assuming your engagement lasts that long, you'll spend the next ten years wishing people would stop staring and stop asking, "hey, aren't you...?". But then the questions will fade and you'll wish they'd start again, because there you'll be, wearing sweats in the grocery store check out line, staring at some fresh-faced, hopeful ladies and one muscular man on the cover of US Weekly, wondering what happened to your helicopter and elephant rides, wondering how your fantasy suite became so lacking in fantasy, and wondering why Chris Harrison never calls anymore. 

Bleak outlook aside, last night was magical. So let's recap and relive that magic, shall we?

Like all MOST DRAMATIC FINALES IN BACHELOR HISTORY, the night started off with Sean's family meeting and greeting the two prospective wives. Sean's mom had some hesitations,  what with Sean having two prospective wives and everything, but eventually sucked it up and smiled for the cameras,  probably because Chris Harrison made a threat.

Sean and Lindsay spend a day on a boat, and it's super boring. She giggles.  He flexes his muscles. They send lanterns into the sky. 

Sean and Catherine ride an elephant. Then Catherine  has a freak out. Now I hope you pardon me while I digress from our plot for a moment because I have something I have to confess. I must confess that I like Catherine. I try to resist any emotional response to Bachelor contestants, and it's usually not difficult. But there's something about Catherine that really makes my sympathize. Maybe it's her honesty. Or maybe it's her genuine surprise at having made it so far on the show. Maybe it's her very real response to stress. Because while Lindsay spends her last hours with Sean giggling and dreaming of her wedding dress, Catherine has a teary melt-down on her bed because the man she loves might propose to another woman the next day.

Have we seen Lindsay's tattoos before? For some reason they're extra obvious in her shiny silver rejection getup. She has all the confidence in the world marching up to Sean on the Sacrificial  Rose Alter of Doom, and beams as Sean begins his teaser speech. When it becomes clear that he is sloppily dumping instead of proposing, her face changes from Bridal glow to furious Alanis Morisette. She removes her high heels and cries in the limo. Obviously.

Our homeboy Chris H. delivers the long awaited letter to Sean, and as much as we all hoped it was from Arie, it was just a snoozey love note from Catherine. A simultaneous read of the letter from both Sean and Catherine provides the soundtrack for Catherine's shuffle to Sean. She finally reaches her man, and as he opens the NEIL LANE box, she begins to seize. I thought the paramedics might make their fourth appearance this season, but Catherine pulls through, accepts the proposal, and she and a very emotional Sean ride off into the sunset on an elephant's back.

We spend the next hour tormenting Lindsay, (how badly did it hurt when Sean crushed your every hope and dream? Be specific),  meeting the new Bachelorette (Des, who probably killed her brother and hid the  body somewhere in the Bachelor Mansion), and celebrating with the blissful couple. The big announcement ABC spent three hours telling use to  wait for? Their wedding will be televised. Duh. If ABC is smart they'll pay Tierra to attend and object.

It's been a fun season, friends. Can't wait to experience the next journey to love with you, Des, and 25 strapping  men. See you then.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

So that's what Honey Boo Boo's future looks like


But first, a quick recap of last week, when I, your trusted Bach recapper totally failed you.
Sean and the ladies traveled to Thai Land. They made out. A lot. They all agreed to forego their individual rooms and spend the night with Sean, the Born Again Virgin (I don't think that's an actual thing), in the Fantasy Suite. The girls made Sean some pretty shameless videos declaring their love and devotion. AshLee's was the most shameless and also kind of terrifying, and also she wore a dress to the rose ceremony that made  me think she had enhancement surgery a few hours prior.  Sean sent her home, she gave him the silent treatment, blah blah blah. Feel caught up? Good.

So. Last night. The women, all with slightly different hair than we saw during the season, some  better (Robin) some worse (Des), gathered partly to talk about their experiences with each other and with Sean, but mostly to slam Tierra. If there's one thing that can really bring a group of women together, it's hatred for another women. And the hatred was in  large supply. Tierra showed up looking very victimy, with huge doe eyes, an apprehensive frown, and very little makeup. "Give me, vulnerable," I bet she said to her stylist.

Just like every Bachelor Villan ever, Tierra denied any wrong doing, explained that she really does sparkle because she was Little Miss Nevada as a child,  and showed off an engagement ring the size of Kentucky. As some one said on twitter, let's hope the fiance is a paramedic. But let's be honest. There is no fiance. Just like there was no fall down the stairs and there was no hypothermia.

Sarah took a turn in the hot seat, which is weird since she didn't even make it to home towns. But the producers weren't about to pass up an opportunity to have her talk about her missing arm, so there she sat.

Des said she wished things had gone differently, but she was nice and gracious and all around super boring. Moving on.

AshLee.  Oh, AshLee. Look. We all want to say things after a break up. If you are like me, regrettably,  you have said things after a break up. You tell the dumper all the reasons they are a terrible human being, count all the lies they told. and try your best to prove you are so much better off without them. Unfortunately for AshLee, her first post-break up with the dumper happened to be on  national television. When she asked WHY SEAN WHY?! YOU TOLD ME YOU DON'T LOVE THOSE WOMEN, WHY?!, I'm sure she was thinking, See, America, this guy is the worst,  but really, we, America, were thinking, He's just not that into you. 

The program ended with a two minute tribute to a producer's dog who passed away. In that two minutes I felt more love and sympathy for that canine than I've felt for any human being involved in this entire season of The Bachelor.

Next week, THE FINALE. Who do you think the letter is from? Catherine? Emily Maynard? Arie?