Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Week 10: Fantasy Bittersweets

This just got real.

Des starts the Antigue episode by proclaiming that Drew's smile lights up a room, Chris is hot and athletic, but Brooks has her heart, so pack it up everyone, the fat lady's singing.

So it's difficult not to feel bad for Drew when he smothers Des with prolonged kisses and "I love yous" and talk of the rest of their life. It's difficult not to think really judgmental thoughts about Des when she agrees to Forgo Her Individual Room And Spend The Night Together As A Couple In The Fantasy Suite, because, you know, she's made it very clear that this guy doesn't have a chance.

"OK, you guys can leave now"

Des dresses as Jenny from Forest Gump to meet Chris. 

Forest would run from this.

Chris  asks Des how she feels about moving to Seattle and she completely sidesteps the question. Sp Chris pulls out the big guns and recites his worst poem to date:

It's exciting to see just how far this journey has taken us
From places I never knew existed, to places I've longed to see
All experiences you and I have shared together
And now here we are one week after you met my family
One week from the possibility of forever
I'm not nervous, I'm excited
It's hard to deny the connection we've made
The chemistry,  real compatibility, permanent friendship.
Piecing together this journey with new memories. 
Open to what is to come to us in the future
and excited to spend our lives together forever.

 Either it works or Des will Forgo Her Individual Room And Spend The Night Together As A Couple In The Fantasy Suite with just about anyone. Chris and Des make out in a hot tub, I guess because she wants to do as much macking as she possibly can before she has to conform to the monogamous lifestyle.

Meanwhile, Brooks pours his tortured heart out to his mom and sister. The thought of proposing to Des makes him uncomfortable, he claims. I think maybe Brooks has never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette. If he had, he'd know that a proposal at the season's finale is nothing more than a "good job you won" prize and a few weeks worth of fame before both parties split the cost of the Neil Lane diamond and go their separate ways. Chris Harrison seems to agree with me because he pulls this face during his entire conversation with Brooks:

Is this a joke?

Resolved that Des is not the love of his life, Brooks solemnly leaves to find Des. Des greets him wearing this:

Someone in the wardrobe department really hates her.

Which probably makes the dumping a little easier for Brooks. Dump her he does, and the two spend what feels like three hours doing this:

"Why?!," she asks over and over.

The cynical blogger in me says "Well played, brooks." Having established himself as totally ready for commitment and just looking for the right person, he's returning to Utah, the land of extremely beautiful women, looking single, wounded,  and ready for some tender loving. Well played, right?
But then part of me thinks that maybe he is taking this seriously and just trying to do right by Desiree. The latter option makes for oddly compelling television, which brings us to option 3/c: the producers staged the entire thing because the season up until this point has been like watching paint dry after taking an ambien after staying awake for 57 hours. Way to spice things up, guys. It totally worked because I can't wait to watch more men cry next week. See you then. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Bachelorette Week 9: The Men Tell Tall

AKA,  The women in the audience do hilarious things with their faces.

The night  starts out with Des and Chris Harrison popping in on some poor, unsuspecting viewers. Imagine you're sitting on the couch, laughing at Des and commenting on how weird her skirt is, when all the sudden she shows up at your front door. That's really going to ruin the episode for you.  You have to say things to her. Things like, "I like the way you pretended to listen to what that guy was saying," and "It's impressive how well your make up stays on when you cry."
One viewing party was bombarded with not only Des and Chris, but Ashley, JP, and some other franchise veterans with babies. I hope they had enough refreshments to go around. And extra diapers.

Then we're subjected to some girl talk between Allie, Emily, Ashley and Des. They discuss the best way to deal with Bad Boys. Don't  ask Des to sing that song. Trust me.  Who are the bad boys, you ask? According to the hot seat sitters, it's Jonathon, The overly eager Fantasy Suiter, Ben, the made hated by all for no apparent reason, and James, the  man hoping to meet tall, successful women in Chicago.

Jonathon  apologizes.
Ben says "Where I'm from, you pursue 'em  pretty hard", and the world pitties his future girlfriend.
And then there's James,  whose defense is essentially that he could tell he wasn't going to win this thing and was planning for the future to soften the inevitable blow. High treason in The Bachelorette Universe. When Des, in her most "I've been betrayed" voice, reminds him that he was in a relationship, he reminds her that she was in  a relationship with twenty five men. It's a pretty valid point. Des scoffs. Point James.

We all amo Juan Pablo

The real takeaway from this too long very special hour is that Juan Pablo is the perfect man. He's our soccer playing single dad. He mentions Des in every conversation. He just wants someone to wake up to, eat dinner with, and go see movies together. I swear on Chris Harrison's ties that I cried a little bit while he spoke. Des is a complete idiot for letting him go. She fakes a Spanish accent and speaks to JP. It's borderline offensive. Des plays the "I sent you home to be with your daughter" card. I think the truth is that she ran out of Spanish phrases. She only knew two. What is wrong with you, Des?

Chris Harrison asks Zak just how heartbroken he is, makes him rewatch his life's saddest moment, then reveal what he wrote in invisible ink in the journal he gifted Des. "Love is it. The only reason to open your home to a stranger. The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom, no risk is too great, no apprehension justifiable. All hope is rooted in it, cause love is our only hope for happiness. And I am happy to say this is love." No, Zak, it really isn't.

Zak sings a song that he either forgot to finish writing or had to cut short due to time constraints. Des tries to look sad and shifts her eyes in a very unnatural way. This woman cries.

Beside reconnecting with Juan Pablo, the whole night is a boring wash, until the preview for THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, FOR REAL THIS TIME.

The audience reacts thusly:

I know, right?

Holy roses I can not wait for next week. Here's my prediction: Although previous previews led us to believe that Drew was the root of the drama, I think it's actually Brooks who makes one lady and three men she what looks to be a whole lotta tears. He must tell her that he's just not really that into it. Someone shoud have warned Des about those Utah boys. They'll break your heart, hon. I've been there. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bachelorette Week 8: But then it started snowing

Good news. I learned how to use my Print Screen button on my computer just in time for the Hometowns. I got a little image happy. You're welcome.

Hometown Date #1: Zak

At this point in the season it's pretty clear that Zak is the guy still around by default. He hasn't done anything atrocious enough to be sent home already, at least in  Des's opinion (many might consider showing up shirtless on night one fairly atrocious), but he is definitely not going to win. So when he comes prancing down the street in a penguin suit, I feel sad for him.

When Zak describes a dream in which he and Des melt into the sand but are then saved by snow and cups and thousands of children, I cringe, I wonder if it's an attempt to plug his family's snow-cone business, I wonder if he's on some sort of addictive substance, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak gives Des a ring he purchased in Atlantic City, I cringe, I wonder how much he paid for it, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak's sister and incredibly handsome brother serenade Des with a "Welcome to the family" song, I cringe, wonder if Des got the brother's number, and feel sad for Zak.

Des cries, I think out of guilt, because there's no way she can let the guy known for his fondness of his own abs win. Des and Zak kiss.  I cringe and I feel sad for Zak.

Hometown Date #2: Drew

When Des sees Drew in his native Scottsdale, she says, "You look adorable!", which is probably what Drew hoped for when he put on  his ballerina pink shirt in the  morning.  

Drew kisses Des too many times. I would say that Des always looks dissatisfied after their kisses, but I'm starting to think  that's just her face. 

The rest of their time together involves meeting Drew's severely handicapped sister. It's entirely un-mockable, so let's move on.

Hometown Date #3: Chris

Des says Chris is a blend of everything she's looking for in a man. He's athletic. He's adventurous. He's romantic. He's POETIC. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Good one, Des. Oh. You're serious? Wow. Ok. Good for you. You're right. Those poems are...sweet?

Perhaps Des' fondness for Chris's "poetry" comes from an incredibly low standard for what's considered talent. Remember how she calls herself an artist? Here's a picture she drew for Chris:

That's Des on the left and Chris on the right.  They're labeled. 

Chris  is to the written word as Des is to art. Bad. But despite the quality, this picture is important. Only two men received gifts from Des, so Chris is obviously a top contender.

Des meeting Chris's family looks like this:

This is chiropractor dad George, realigning his son's girlfriend's back.  

This is chiropracter dad George, realigning his son's head via the nostrils.

It's weird.

Hometown Date #4: Brooks

Brooks is the other man to receive a gift from Desiree. If you can call this note a gift...

I wrote about three thousand of those notes in seventh grade. They were highlighted in bright colors. They were folded into triangles. They were written in curly handwriting.  I was twelve.

Des presents this list of special moments to Brooks and has to remind him of each line item. Remember, that time in the clouds? Remember that? Brooks is either  suffering from amnesia or just not that into Des. But that doesn't stop him from introducing her to a large group of Mormons.

We momos are big on hugging.

Des says, "This is the largets family I could ever think of." Oh sweetie. You don't even know. Spend another day in Liberty Park and you're sure to see a family of fifteen children show up at some point. Welcome to Utah.

Brooks lies through his teeth and tells his family he's in love, though he fails to express said devotion to Des. He's the single hold out, and, coincidentally or perhaps consequentially, the front runner.

Then, because nothing exciting has happened in weeks, the producers bring Nate, Des' infamous brother, to the LA hotel where Des resides. Sidebar: Why is she not back at the mansion? Is it being fumigated? Was it condemned? Did the neighbors finally complain about the cocktail parties?

Nate acts like a five year old, says he wants to get in  these guys' brains, and spends the rest of the night creeping behind walls.

Not surprisingly, Brooks,  Chris and Drew get roses. Zak does not. What follows is  a really long, pathetic and boring limo monologue about Zak's love life rut, his inability to find happiness, and his desire to spend his life with a special someone. The speech culminates in a dramatic throwing of the Atlantic City ring out the limo window. He must not have paid much for it. Here's a tip, Zak: Wear clothes.

Are you excited to see Michael, James and Mikey T. at the Men Tell All next week? Me neither.  BUT. The week after promises the long awaited Des melt down. It had better be good,  ABC. You've promised us lots of tears and you had better deliver.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bachelorette Week 7: Love is a wild ride

This episode of The Bachelorette is brought to you by the tourism board of Madeira: You've Never Heard of It. Also by clouds. Also by go-carts.

The week started out with Des getting together with all of her old love interest's former love interests and current fiance. Totally normal. Catherine, Leslie and Jackie of Sean's season ask all  the questions one would find in a Seventeen Magazine quiz. "Who has the best eyes?" "Who has the best body?" "Who's the most athletic?" Des and company conclude that all five men are hot and will make good lovers. Phew.

Des and Brooks drive through some Madeiran mountains and kiss in the clouds. Never one to pass on a terrible analogy, Des declares, "We didn't just break through the clouds. We had a breakthrough in the relationship." They also drink some wine, so I guess Brooks is Mormon like Woody Allen is Jewish. They talk about feelings at dinner. It's boring.

Back at the house Chris receives a date card and says he wants to through his hands in the air "Tiger Woods style". When talking about love or dating or monogamy, I'd say it's best to not mention a known adulterer.
His date with Des on a yacht consists of touching each others swim-suited bodies. And poetry. I'm so sorry to do this to you, but there time together resulted in the two most horrific poems I've ever heard. The first was one they penned together, proving that sometimes two heads are far worse than one:

Experiences we share together
The memories close to here
So that with time, our love never parts
No matter the distance or hours away
Know that I'm out there somewhere thinking of you
Just as the waves crash into the shore
I long for the day that I will be with you forever more.

And then over dinner, instead of saying "I love you" like a normal human, Chris reads Des this poem confusingly titled "Individually Defined":

The strongest word with so much meaning
Hard to say without a stammer
But when expressed with true feeling
Sincere,  for no other word can mean so much more
Like the time we had atop the hotel
Seventeen above
Feelings that changed and were oh so real
Meant to be is how I feel
Our hearts are open
Words expressed by you
Feelings that I know are so true
I look forward to the unknown
Appreciate the emotion you have shown
And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart
I have a home
Expressed in writing
And felt through touch
Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush
The strongest word with so much meaning
Not so hard to believe it's true
Our hearts are open
And in every kiss
I truly mean
I love you

See what he did there at the end? The way he referenced  Des's ode from last week? Are you also depressed that you recognized that? Are you also wondering what would happen if you spent this much time and energy focusing on something like online classes or solving world hunger or learning to knit? Oh well.

If Chris and Des end up together, I hope they recite at least one haiku or limerick or sonnet free verse a day.

Darling pass the milk
My cereal is dry
Just as my love once was
Until that night
on the hotel roof
when my life felt lucky and charmed.
So  pass the milk please
So I can eat my lucky charms
and find a place in your heart.


You left the cap off the toothpaste again
And like before that night on the hotel roof
I feel sad.
I like fresh toothpaste
Like I like you. 
So please don't do that again.

Stuff like that.

Michael and Des spend the day together and have all the chemistry of whatever a chemist would say doesn't have chemistry. They are pushed down a hill in a toboggan by some strapping Madeiran men. It's weird. They sample Madeiran fruit and pull faces. It's weird. Michael tells Des of his most recent heartache in which he saw a picture on FaceBook of the woman he loved kissing another man on a mountain top. Wait. What? I have a hard time believing that any woman in a relationship would willingly take a photo of herself kissing another man and then  post that photo on FB. I'm guessing Michael was never in a relationship with this woman, because, you know, he's gay. After he is eventually sent home during the rose ceremony, he calls his mother, who he talks about too much,  from the limo and says, "I don't know why this keeps happening to me." It's because you're trying to date women, Michael.

Des takes Zak and Drew on a two-on-one go-carting date. All three of them make terrible metaphors about racing and finish lines and love. Drew calls it the most pivotal day of his life. Zak presents his artistic interpretation of their long, detailed history together. It's three drawings. One is of his abs. Drew gets the rose, because as Des explains to Chris Harrison, Drew is the hottest guy she's ever seen. Really.

Des also tells our beloved host that she is essentially ready to marry Brooks but also loves Chris. Totally normal.

As already noted above, Michael goes home and the episode ends without any shocking revelations or break downs or threats to quit the show. Did ABC think we would forget we were promised those things last week? We didn't forget. We feel duped. But still excited to watch next week as Des meets a whole bunch of mormons, is massaged by an old guy and serenaded by an entire family. See you there.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Bachelorette Week 6: Cuss Cuss Cuss

First of all, thanks to a helpful comment on last week's post, we now know Brooks is the mormon. Though you wouldn't believe how many people ended up here after googling "Is Drew the Mormon?". He's just got that look I guess.

Anyway. Des made the biggest mistake of her life when she sent home Juan Pablo.

I'm not sure the show is even worth watching now that he's gone. His farewell to America was actually really touching and sad. He spoke of wanting to find a wife and stepmother for his daughter. Someone to share birthdays and Christmas with. And then through tears, he said it's really hard to date as a father. Dude's gonna get some fan mail. 

It probably wasn't a mistake to send home James, though. You know. James. The guy who is going to take tall, beautiful women on boats. A good hour and a half of the episode was dedicated to this alleged conversation wherein James forcasted his likelihood of becoming the next Bachelor. I'd be willing to be a substantial sum of money that every single one of these Des-wooers has dreamed similar dreams. But only James dared vocalize such radical dreams. So of course, Drew tattles. Only after making out with Des in an alley and getting the rose. Timing is everything.

So. Then. The group date. The activity portion of the day was a soccer game that I didn't really pay attention to. But the evening held more tattling, this time from #Kacey. Or is it #Kasey? Followed by the men confronting James and the editors bleeping most of what James said in response. Then, of course Des and James have a talk and blah blah blah SO BORING. Really long story short, Des lets James return to the house, there's another confrontation with the men and James swears some more, and finally Des sends him home at the rose ceremony. Can you guess who was at the center of Team Anti James? Did you guess Michael? You're so smart. That guy loves pots and spoons and stirring real hard. I'm also still convinced he's gay. Even more convinced. And yet Des sent home Juan Pablo, arguably the most heterosexual man alive.

Also #Kas(c?)ey. I guess ballet on  the side of a building does not true love make. 

As for the one on one dates, Drew and Des kissed. A lot. Zack and Des painted a portrait of a nude male model. Both men got a rose.

And as for the other remaining men:
Des wrote Chris this poem:

From the first night
one knee on the ground. 
Looking so handsome
Instant attraction was found.
At the dodgeball game
It was apparent, no shame.
On top of that roof overlooking that view,
That was the moment that I knew sparks grew. 
Dancing in the streets, the moments of bliss
Solidified my feelings in every single kiss. 
As the clock ticks, timing never late,
for the connection to form with each and every date.
And the rose to one day grant us our fate.
I look forward to the unknown
Appreciate the emotion you have shown
And hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home. 

So I think it's safe to say Chris has a pretty good chance of taking this thing, so long as he's okay with having to nod and smile at ghastly poetry for all of eternity.

We didn't see much of Brooks this week. He was probably reading the Book of Mormon in his room.

And Michael. They shot this season before last week's Supreme Court ruling. He didn't know he had other marital options in California. (Did that cross a line?)

Honestly, bu episode's end I was really to call it quits on the  show. BUT THEN...the previews for what's still to come. Is Des going to give up? What does Drew say? Why are all the men crying? Is there any chance that for the first time ever an episode will actually deliver what a teaser promises? Fine. FINE. I'll tune in to find out. I bet you will too.