Tuesday, July 31, 2012

personality for days, yo

Another week, another episode of Bachelor Pad, another reason to run away live off the grid where TV can never find me, forever.
Where do these people come from, and do they not realize that this show is televised? To the nation? To THEIR PARENTS?
The theme of these week is best demonstrated in a quote from one of the two twins, I don't know or care which one: "I would never had said that if I was sober." No one would be on Bachelor Pad if they were sober, sweetheart.
Second best quote came from Kalon,who said of women, "Shopping and gymnastics, what else do you have to do in your life?" So where Kalon live, women spend their days cartwheeling to and from the mall, all day every day. Sounds like Paradise.
Some stuff happened. Chris was gross, Donna wore only a bikini, Ed got drunk but thankfully remained clothed this week, Donna drew a creepy picture of Michael, Erica said "like" five thousand times, Chris grew exponentially more annoying, the twins left, there was much rejoicing over the twins' departure, Jaclyn said "yo" and professed her adoration of Ed the drunkard, and Rachel said "strategically wise", causing the gods of grammar to weep. A nice quiet guy who never had any camera time was sent home, and men in unitards performed rhythmic gymnastics.
Truly some of television's finest moments.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Loralei? Is that you?

I was ten minutes into Bunheads when things started to feel oddly familiar. A tall, wordy, brunette in a small town full of kooky characters, teenage girls who make pop culture references way beyond their years, and Emily Gilmore. A quick Wikipedia visit confirmed that Amy Sherman Palladino, the creator of Gilmore Girls, is responsible for ABC Family's new show. It seems that Ms. Palladino is somewhat of a one-trick pony, and has written a show that is nearly identical to her first success. There are, of course, differences between Gilmore Girls and Bunheads. Michelle, the lead, is a Vegas show girl who drunkenly elopes with her long time admirer Hubbel...or Hubble...or Hubol. Hubbeaul whisks her away to his small California town named Paradise. Because Michelle is new to the town, we the viewers  meet everyone and experience the town as she does, unlike Loralei who was a long time resident of Stars Hollow. Michelle is also not a single mother like Loralei, however her relationship with the young girls in her MIL's dance class is the foundation for the show, making her a motherly figure. There's no Rory, but instead four teenagers who can recite script just as quickly as Alexis Bledel,  although not quite as convincingly. And there's dancing. Michelle is a dancer who could have been fabulous but ended up in Vegas. Her new mother in law (Emily Gilmore incarnate, even played by the same actress), is a dance teacher, who once could have been great but had Huubal and had to choose parenting over dancing. And the teenagers are dancers who may someday be great, but that's probably not the point. The point is that it's a tall, wordy, brunette in a small town full of kooky characters, teenage girls who make pop culture references way beyond their years, and Emily Gilmore. We've seen this before. But I like the pony and I like the tricks. I loved Gilmore Girls. No, that's not accurate. I wanted to be Gilmore Girls. I dreamed I lived in Stars Hollow. I dreamed I dated Jess. I dreamed I ate at Luke's. I was heart broken when it ended. So I welcome the resemblances in the new Palladino production. It's like meeting the sibling of someone you loved then lost. Is Bunheads as good as Gilmore Girls? I'm going to say it's too early to tell. So far I've seen episodes 1,2,3 and 6 (curse you, Hulu donut), and they've been enjoyable. Surprised at times and generally entertained. There are some kinks to work out (teaching actors how to sound like humans and not hyper-speed line reciting robots, making Emily Gilmore somewhat likable, and making whoever plays Michelle a unique character and not a Lauren Graham imitation), but it's the first season and the first season is the time to figure this stuff out. And it doesn't really matter if it lives up to the GG legacy, now does it? As long as it remains surprising and generally entertaining, I'm in.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I'd say you've broken

Unfair assumptions I've started making thanks to Breaking Bad:

-All bald men cook meth.
-All goateed men cook meth.
-All khakis-and-ugly-jackets-wearing men cook meth.
-All Recreational Vehicle owners cook meth.
-Everyone who shops at Gen-X Clothing uses meth.
-Everyone who wears a beanie uses meth.
-Everyone who wears an ill-fitting black hat cooks meth.
-Everyone in New Mexico uses meth.
-My high school chemistry teacher might have been just as corrupt as I always suspected.

We're only part way through season 4, and I can already tell that I'm forming biases against mineral collecting car washes, and men named Gus.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Not as tasty as it sounds.

The Hulu donut*. You've finished streaming all available seasons of any given show on Netflix, and the earliest episode of the current season available on Hulu is episode 6. Unacceptable. It's a problem plaguing society,  and I personally am suffering. I can't very well go from the end of Pretty Little Liars season 2 to mid-season 3 now can I? Of course not.

I'm calling on the nations of the world to come together and put a much needed end to the Hulu donut, because how else will I ever know who the true A is? And if you say Wikipedia, you just don't get it.

*A term coined by an industry expert cough stephenwalter cough

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad, or Why I Hate Humanity

Do you think these guys would like my tankini?

Let's start with some key quotes  from last night's Bachelor Pad premiere.

Chris (Emily's season) on being sent home from The Bachelorette: "Definitely the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced.". Yeah, you lost a game show. Maybe past Jeopardy contestants have formed a support group you could join?

Ed (Julian's season)  on his breakup with Julian: "I'm not an angel. Some of the stories that came out in the tabloids were that I had girlfriends and that there was infidelity. There was definitely some truth to what was in the tabloids." What a keeper.

Jaclyn (Ben's season) on fellow competitor Blakely: "She thinks that her and I are besties, but really, we're frenemies. I actually have a college education. I'm clearly going further than her." And here you are on Bachelor Pad! Your future is so bright.

Kalon (Emily's season) on his notoriety: "The way the world works now is you're a villain if you speak you're mind. It's wonderful to be me. Everybody loves the bad guy." He actually makes a solid point. TV would be snoozetown without guys like Kalon.

I forgot who said this: "I'm going on the Bachelor Pad to find true love." Bless their heart.

One of the two twins on their first night in the mansion: "I feel like I'm in Disneyland. I feel like I'm a robot." Indeed.

"I'm Chris Harrison." -Chris Harrison

In the grand Bachelor tradition of having at least two people with the same name competeing, there are two men named Chris, not including our beloved host, in the mansion.And speaking of the mansion? When's the last time that place had a good deep cleaning? At the rate these shows are produced, there can't possiblly be time to disinfect the place. I hope they're all wearing flip-flops in the shower.