Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Juan Pablo Week 4: Korea?! I don't even have a kimono!

Molly is probably drinking from the pool and pooping in everyone's shoes now that she's left all alone in the mansion while Juan Pablo and the ladies galavant around South Korea.

The show's editors are nice enough to speed up the in-flight map from LA to Seoul. That would be murder to watch in real time.

The girls settle into their HILTON residence and the date card arrives. It looks like this:

And reads like a command. Pop Juan Pablo. How? With a pin? Could we get some clarification here? Where's the female producer who obviously forged Juan's signature here? Can she help us figure this out?

Nikki is not happy to be going on another group date.

Nikki's unhappiness is a major theme this week. At one point she says, "I would love to go on a date with no other people except the person I'm dating." Did no one explain to Nikki how this game works? She knows she's on The Bachelor, right?

En route to wherever it is they're headed, Chelsie says, "We literally have zero concept of where we could be going."

Sigh. While not as egregious as some of the earlier misuses of "literally," this is still wrong. You have some concept of where you're going, Chels. It's within driving distance. It's on the Asian continent.  

Anyway. Turns out they're going to an entertainment studio to meet 21, South Korea's hottest Kpop ensemble. A capri-clad JP and the sister-wives are invited to perform with 21, on stage, that very day! 

Kat, a trained dancer, is thrilled.

Nikki, a dance-aphobic, is not.

Nikki says, "I hope we're performing for the South Korean School of the Blind" which is actually a really solid joke.

Nikki fails to have an attitude adjustment before the huge performance. Look, Nikki, I get it. I felt the same way every time a date told me we were going to play frisbee. But you've got to suck it up, sweetie. It's just what we do.

Nikki should take some comfort in watching Cassandra, who apparently lied about her career as an NBA dancer because she looks like a frozen Gumby. The pants probably don't help.

Then there's Kat. Sure, she could stand to take it down a notch, and wear an actual shirt, but her moves are pretty impressive.

Which, of course does not sit well with Nikki, who starts an anti-Kat smear campaign among the circle of women waiting for Juan Pablo. It should be mentioned that this is during Kat's conversation with JP wherein she shares her sad dad story thereby earning major vulnerability points.

I like how Danielle is looking directly at the camera as if to say, "Help me, somebody."

Back at the HILTON the next date card arrives for Sharleen:

SEOUL MATE. Hahahaha. Get it? What a clever play on words! This show is so smart.

Anyway, back to to the war  group date. Nikki gets the rose.

and Kat pulls this face.

Pre-Sharleen date, we get a tasty glimpse of Juan in the shower, cause why not.

Juan says of Sharleen, "She's my favorite one right now" so of course he makes her wear this:

And he wears this:

They try some food:

And she sings a song.

Then because the date has been all too normal and people might change the channel, JP asks about children. Specifically, how many Sharleen hopes to have. Sharleen is nervous to tell him that the answer is zero, but ultimately CsTR and tells the truth. Juan appreciates her honesty. She gets a rose.

The second group date starts with some Karaoke in the bedroom of the girl that crawls out of the well in The Ring. 

Ask Renee. 

Then, because we all miss Fear Factor so much, the group is forced to put their feet in a pool of flesh-eating fish. 

Renee is overwhelmed by the romance.

Clare makes a big to-do about eating half a bite of octopus, because, you know, CLARE IS THE WORST.

Kelly agrees with me.

Let's take a minute here to appreciate Kelly. I freaking love Kelly. 

I love how she always looks like she has a delicious, snarky remark waiting to tumble from her mouth. I love how often she rolls her eyes. I love that she brought a dog with her to a reality dating competition. It will be a real shame when Juan Pablo realizes he's never actually had a conversation with her and he might as well just send her home. 

But the REAL real shame, is this:

Right after JP shatters Lauren's hear into a million pieces by refusing to kiss her,

He goes and plants one on Crazy Clare who says that eating 1 centimeter of octopus made her throw up in her mouth. Nothing like a good vomit story to set the mood.

Now I'm throwing up in my mouth.

There's a Nikki Clare Face-off, because ratings:

Oh Kelly. Never change.

And then a Rose Ceremony set to Samurai warrior music, because Asia.

Elise and Lauren are left roseless.

Elise uses her goodbye camera time to call the remaining women "ugly on the inside"

That's going to come up during Girls Tell All

And Lauren blames herself.

The rest of us blame Clare.

Now will someone please go check on Molly? I'm sure she needs a kibble refill by now.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Juan Pablo/El Bachelor Week 3: It's a Water Car!

Before we get to work dissecting Juan Pablo and The Harems' shenanigans from last night, I want to sincerely thank all of you who read, comment on, and share this blog. It's fun to write, but it's infinitely more fun to to read your reactions. So thanks.

Okay. Here we go.

Cassandra's date card reads "Love is a wild ride." Could it be a safari? A day at an amusement park? Taming wild stallions? No. To quote Juan Pablo, "It's a water car!'

A water car that they drive to a yacht. A yacht that they promptly jump off, but not without making a terrible metaphor first.
"I think I'm just going to trust him and jump in with him," says Cassandra of her feelings for Juan Pablo.

They kiss in the water for a minute, then head to JP's place. There's a little dinner,

A little dancing, 

And a lot of Cassandra telling us that she hasn't been on a date in three years when she was eighteen. I didn't tally the exact number of times she says this to the camera, but my rough estimate is 472. 

Cass and JP admire pictures of their children, Juan presents the rose, and they kiss. Juan and Cassandra. Not Juan and the rose. 

I don't know about you, but my curiosity is totally piqued about Cassandra. She's 21. She has a 2-year-old son. Her title reads, "Former NBA Dancer." None of this has been explained. Here's hoping an angry basketball baby daddy shows up in the next couple weeks.

Back at the mansion the group date card arrives. All it says is, "Let's Kick it!"

And yet....when date day arrives every girl is dressed in athletic wear. Either these ladies are pun-interpreting geniuses or they're getting wardrobe advice from producers.

You know what's more boring than watching pro athletes play sports? Watching amateurs play sports. Which is what we do for like half an hour as the red team plays the blue team.

Then suddenly it's evening and the girls change into their gowns which somehow made it to the soccer stadium. But how? In the limo trunk? None of this makes sense.

Nor does making out in an industrial kitchen that very likely smells of stale canola oil. But that doesn't stop Jaun and Andi.

And then because he can, Juan plants a few on Sharleen, and the footage proves that kissing should never, under any circumstances, be shown in close-up.

In case you haven't been keeping track, that's three women Juan's kissed in 24 hours. I really hope all these people have been immunized.

Nikki, an obvious frontrunner by virtue of being attractive and not crazy banana pants, gets the group date rose.

So. That leaves either Elise or Chelsie to be the next Juan-on-one dater. Elise, Chelsie, and a giant ornamental vase muse over the possibilities poolside.

Ultimately Chelsie receives a cryptic "Do you trust me?" note from Juan Pablo. Elise is not amused.

In fact Elise spends the rest of the episode trash talking Chelsie, whose only fault is being three years Elise's junior. "I don't know if [Chelsie]'s ready to be a step-mom. I don't think Juan Pablo wants another daughter," "I think she's a little girl," and finally "She literally seems like a baby." That last one is worrisome not only for the petty jealousy, but also because unless Chelsie is wearing diapers, eating only pureed bananas and communicating in babbles, Elise, much like Clare two weeks prior, does not know the meaning of "literally." That might be okay if Elise wasn't a first-grade teacher. But she is. WHO IS LOOKING OUT FOR THE CHILDREN?!

Not Elise. 

Chelsie pretends to enjoy spanish radio and dances awkwardly in the passenger seat of a non-water, totally regular car.

Then, because the women of The Bachelor are incapable of putting food in their own mouths, Juan Pablo feeds Chelsie a Venezuelan sandwich.

Now this is a date I can get behind. Water car? No thanks. Private jet to Utah? Nah. Winter wonderland? Yeah right. Venezuelan sandwich? MOTHER MAY I?! Juan Pablo finally gets what women want. At least for five minutes. Until...

Some goateed man on a bridge informs JP and Chelsie that they will be tandem ankle bungee jumping from a perilous height and be careful not to jump in the wrong direction or you will hit the arch and die.
Understandably, Chelsie has some hesitations. But because Juan Pablo says, "Hey. Look at me," Chelsie decides she can trust him and jumps right off that bridge. That's 2 for 2 on the plunging metaphors.

Obviously, there's some upside-down kissing.

Then an adrenaline-pumped Chelsie declares, "If we can jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through everything." Yeah, Chels? You think so? Infidelity? Alcoholism? Crippling debt? All cured by remembering that one time you leapt off a bridge together wearing GoPros? There it is, guys. The secret to a happy marriage.

Later, after Chelsie materializes a ball gown out of thin air, they dine at Pasadena City Hall, because why not shut down a government bureaucracy for reality television?
Chelsie gets rose, and then, you're not going to believe this, but Juan Pablo and Chelsie get their own private Billy Kerrington concert. Who is Billy Kerrington, you ask? I googled him and here's what I found:

"Hunky country singer Billy Currington was indicted April 24 on felony charges of making terroristic threats and abuse of an elderly person, according to court records." -ABC News.

So that's fun.

At the end of the night Juan Pablo says of Chelsie, "She's wife material." Eat it, Elise.

The next morning JP shows up at the mansion to make the girls a Venezuelan breakfast, and suddenly it's clear why other people are always putting food in the girls' mouths for them.

Without sufficient time after eating to avoid cramps, the gang hops in the pool for a swim. A few people are upset with Kat for doing this:

Sharleen, on the other hand, is upset for the most legitimate reason in the history of The Bachelor. Says Sharleen, "It's just a lot of cameras zooming in on your face. Looking into your soul. My soul wants to be left alone."  

Juan comforts her with a kiss and the cameras zoom in on their faces.  
The kiss throws onlooking Clare into a tizzy.

Your crazy's showing, sweetie

A commercial break later and we're at the rose ceremony. All but two survive.
It's a sad good bye for Christy, who thinks it was her inability to open up that sent her packing. Me? I think it was the sequin-shorts jumpsuit.

And an even sadder goodbye, for Lucy, who, despite her aversion to clothing, seems like a genuine, kind person who really just wants the best for everyone. Maybe keep your clothes on next time, Luce. Or maybe try Bachelor Pad.

I'm tired too, Molly.