Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bachelorette Week 7: Love is a wild ride

This episode of The Bachelorette is brought to you by the tourism board of Madeira: You've Never Heard of It. Also by clouds. Also by go-carts.

The week started out with Des getting together with all of her old love interest's former love interests and current fiance. Totally normal. Catherine, Leslie and Jackie of Sean's season ask all  the questions one would find in a Seventeen Magazine quiz. "Who has the best eyes?" "Who has the best body?" "Who's the most athletic?" Des and company conclude that all five men are hot and will make good lovers. Phew.

Des and Brooks drive through some Madeiran mountains and kiss in the clouds. Never one to pass on a terrible analogy, Des declares, "We didn't just break through the clouds. We had a breakthrough in the relationship." They also drink some wine, so I guess Brooks is Mormon like Woody Allen is Jewish. They talk about feelings at dinner. It's boring.

Back at the house Chris receives a date card and says he wants to through his hands in the air "Tiger Woods style". When talking about love or dating or monogamy, I'd say it's best to not mention a known adulterer.
His date with Des on a yacht consists of touching each others swim-suited bodies. And poetry. I'm so sorry to do this to you, but there time together resulted in the two most horrific poems I've ever heard. The first was one they penned together, proving that sometimes two heads are far worse than one:

Experiences we share together
The memories close to here
So that with time, our love never parts
No matter the distance or hours away
Know that I'm out there somewhere thinking of you
Just as the waves crash into the shore
I long for the day that I will be with you forever more.

And then over dinner, instead of saying "I love you" like a normal human, Chris reads Des this poem confusingly titled "Individually Defined":

The strongest word with so much meaning
Hard to say without a stammer
But when expressed with true feeling
Sincere,  for no other word can mean so much more
Like the time we had atop the hotel
Seventeen above
Feelings that changed and were oh so real
Meant to be is how I feel
Our hearts are open
Words expressed by you
Feelings that I know are so true
I look forward to the unknown
Appreciate the emotion you have shown
And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart
I have a home
Expressed in writing
And felt through touch
Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush
The strongest word with so much meaning
Not so hard to believe it's true
Our hearts are open
And in every kiss
I truly mean
I love you

See what he did there at the end? The way he referenced  Des's ode from last week? Are you also depressed that you recognized that? Are you also wondering what would happen if you spent this much time and energy focusing on something like online classes or solving world hunger or learning to knit? Oh well.

If Chris and Des end up together, I hope they recite at least one haiku or limerick or sonnet free verse a day.

Darling pass the milk
My cereal is dry
Just as my love once was
Until that night
on the hotel roof
when my life felt lucky and charmed.
So  pass the milk please
So I can eat my lucky charms
and find a place in your heart.


You left the cap off the toothpaste again
And like before that night on the hotel roof
I feel sad.
I like fresh toothpaste
Like I like you. 
So please don't do that again.

Stuff like that.

Michael and Des spend the day together and have all the chemistry of whatever a chemist would say doesn't have chemistry. They are pushed down a hill in a toboggan by some strapping Madeiran men. It's weird. They sample Madeiran fruit and pull faces. It's weird. Michael tells Des of his most recent heartache in which he saw a picture on FaceBook of the woman he loved kissing another man on a mountain top. Wait. What? I have a hard time believing that any woman in a relationship would willingly take a photo of herself kissing another man and then  post that photo on FB. I'm guessing Michael was never in a relationship with this woman, because, you know, he's gay. After he is eventually sent home during the rose ceremony, he calls his mother, who he talks about too much,  from the limo and says, "I don't know why this keeps happening to me." It's because you're trying to date women, Michael.

Des takes Zak and Drew on a two-on-one go-carting date. All three of them make terrible metaphors about racing and finish lines and love. Drew calls it the most pivotal day of his life. Zak presents his artistic interpretation of their long, detailed history together. It's three drawings. One is of his abs. Drew gets the rose, because as Des explains to Chris Harrison, Drew is the hottest guy she's ever seen. Really.

Des also tells our beloved host that she is essentially ready to marry Brooks but also loves Chris. Totally normal.

As already noted above, Michael goes home and the episode ends without any shocking revelations or break downs or threats to quit the show. Did ABC think we would forget we were promised those things last week? We didn't forget. We feel duped. But still excited to watch next week as Des meets a whole bunch of mormons, is massaged by an old guy and serenaded by an entire family. See you there.


  1. Why does Des keep wearing dresses/shoes/skirts she can't walk in? You're on television and you're walking as if it's your first time in heels. Heels are hard to begin with so why would you wear them on rocks and cobblestone roads?

  2. meg, i'm a fan of the bachelor/bachelorette and let me just say that your summaries are really great! very good reading.