Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bachelorette Week 8: But then it started snowing

Good news. I learned how to use my Print Screen button on my computer just in time for the Hometowns. I got a little image happy. You're welcome.

Hometown Date #1: Zak

At this point in the season it's pretty clear that Zak is the guy still around by default. He hasn't done anything atrocious enough to be sent home already, at least in  Des's opinion (many might consider showing up shirtless on night one fairly atrocious), but he is definitely not going to win. So when he comes prancing down the street in a penguin suit, I feel sad for him.

When Zak describes a dream in which he and Des melt into the sand but are then saved by snow and cups and thousands of children, I cringe, I wonder if it's an attempt to plug his family's snow-cone business, I wonder if he's on some sort of addictive substance, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak gives Des a ring he purchased in Atlantic City, I cringe, I wonder how much he paid for it, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak's sister and incredibly handsome brother serenade Des with a "Welcome to the family" song, I cringe, wonder if Des got the brother's number, and feel sad for Zak.

Des cries, I think out of guilt, because there's no way she can let the guy known for his fondness of his own abs win. Des and Zak kiss.  I cringe and I feel sad for Zak.

Hometown Date #2: Drew

When Des sees Drew in his native Scottsdale, she says, "You look adorable!", which is probably what Drew hoped for when he put on  his ballerina pink shirt in the  morning.  

Drew kisses Des too many times. I would say that Des always looks dissatisfied after their kisses, but I'm starting to think  that's just her face. 

The rest of their time together involves meeting Drew's severely handicapped sister. It's entirely un-mockable, so let's move on.

Hometown Date #3: Chris

Des says Chris is a blend of everything she's looking for in a man. He's athletic. He's adventurous. He's romantic. He's POETIC. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Good one, Des. Oh. You're serious? Wow. Ok. Good for you. You're right. Those poems are...sweet?

Perhaps Des' fondness for Chris's "poetry" comes from an incredibly low standard for what's considered talent. Remember how she calls herself an artist? Here's a picture she drew for Chris:

That's Des on the left and Chris on the right.  They're labeled. 

Chris  is to the written word as Des is to art. Bad. But despite the quality, this picture is important. Only two men received gifts from Des, so Chris is obviously a top contender.

Des meeting Chris's family looks like this:

This is chiropractor dad George, realigning his son's girlfriend's back.  

This is chiropracter dad George, realigning his son's head via the nostrils.

It's weird.

Hometown Date #4: Brooks

Brooks is the other man to receive a gift from Desiree. If you can call this note a gift...

I wrote about three thousand of those notes in seventh grade. They were highlighted in bright colors. They were folded into triangles. They were written in curly handwriting.  I was twelve.

Des presents this list of special moments to Brooks and has to remind him of each line item. Remember, that time in the clouds? Remember that? Brooks is either  suffering from amnesia or just not that into Des. But that doesn't stop him from introducing her to a large group of Mormons.

We momos are big on hugging.

Des says, "This is the largets family I could ever think of." Oh sweetie. You don't even know. Spend another day in Liberty Park and you're sure to see a family of fifteen children show up at some point. Welcome to Utah.

Brooks lies through his teeth and tells his family he's in love, though he fails to express said devotion to Des. He's the single hold out, and, coincidentally or perhaps consequentially, the front runner.

Then, because nothing exciting has happened in weeks, the producers bring Nate, Des' infamous brother, to the LA hotel where Des resides. Sidebar: Why is she not back at the mansion? Is it being fumigated? Was it condemned? Did the neighbors finally complain about the cocktail parties?

Nate acts like a five year old, says he wants to get in  these guys' brains, and spends the rest of the night creeping behind walls.

Not surprisingly, Brooks,  Chris and Drew get roses. Zak does not. What follows is  a really long, pathetic and boring limo monologue about Zak's love life rut, his inability to find happiness, and his desire to spend his life with a special someone. The speech culminates in a dramatic throwing of the Atlantic City ring out the limo window. He must not have paid much for it. Here's a tip, Zak: Wear clothes.

Are you excited to see Michael, James and Mikey T. at the Men Tell All next week? Me neither.  BUT. The week after promises the long awaited Des melt down. It had better be good,  ABC. You've promised us lots of tears and you had better deliver.

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