Bachelorette Week 2: Right Reasons

Wow.

Let's take it from the top. Monday's episode started with the first one on one date. Des/producers thought it would be cute and fun to take Brooks to a bridal shop. Do you know what would happen to any other woman in the world if she took a first date to a bridal shop to try on tuxes while she tries on wedding gowns? She would be single. Forever. But Des is The Bachelorette so the poor guy plays along. Adorned in their marital attire, the pair travel to the Hollywood sign, which ABC must have rights to because every bachelor/bachelorette spends a good five minutes of camera time there. As they sit in the dirt, kissing, I: 1. Am grossed out by what must be sound-engineered smooching noises, and 2. Really worried that Des's dress is getting muddy. The date continues with dinner on a bridge, because LA has no traffic ever and it's  not a big deal if you close off an entire road for a reality star to have a meal. Over their chicken and spinach, Des and Brooks TALK. It's normal first date conversation. What are you currently reading? What was your major in college? How has your parents' divorce affected your views on marriage and you don't have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable but yes you do because you're on television. Brooks gets a rose. They both act surprised to find their own private concert by a musician I don't recognize, because they've never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Neither of them are good dancers and there's more kissing noises and it's still gross.

Speaking of not being good at things, know who is not very good at rapping? White guys with faux-hawks and boot-cut jeans. But that didn't stop Chris Harrison from orchestrating the worst group date in  the history of the world, wherein Soulja Boy coaches fourteen of the husband hopefuls, in their very own rap video, and by "rap" I mean really really bad rhymes recited very very poorly. Watch:

I told you Des was a bad dancer. Also, I don't know if street cred is still a thing, or if Soulja Boy ever had it, but it's gone now. In fact I think that this single video killed rap entirely. Or maybe not. Maybe Ben will make a special appearance on Kanye's next album. Maybe Mikey T. will be in a Lil' Wayne video. Maybe Chris Harrison  will produce Dr. Dre's new beats. Or maybe we'll all  just cringe and try to forget this ever happened because it was super embarrassing for everyone involved, including the viewers. Even those luxury vehicles look like they hate being there. Anyway, Ben gets a rose for kissing Des. The other men get mad.

Bryden and Des go on a "road trip" through California, starting In Malibu and ending in a hot tub. "Just kiss me already," says Des to Bryden at the end of their nice, normal, boring date. Bryden reluctantly kisses Des. Bryden gets a rose.

The men/producers decide Ben is the new Tierra and the cocktail party becomes a complete spectacle. Michael, who by the way is a federal prosecutor but still has time to take off a lot of work to appear on a reality television series and also obviously does not like women, is really mad that Ben interrupts his serious talk time with Des because Michael has never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Just as Michael reveals to Des that he is gay  diabetic, in walks a sheepish Ben to steal Des away. While Ben tries to confirm that he's the only man Des has macked (Ben has never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette), Michael gets mad. "I'm surprised he didn't send in his son to interrupt us," Michael says.  "We've sure heard a lot about his bar," fumes another thirty-year-old man. When Ben returns from Des time, the other dudes hold pitchforks and torches in the air and scream, "You're not here for the right reasons! Watch the music video!"

During the rose ceremony, all but three men get a rose. Some guy I've never seen before, the guy who invented sign spinning, and the only black guy. I guess Soulja Boy filled the Franchise quota for racial diversity. 

Next week promises an ambulance and a girlfriend back home. See you there.