Tuesday, January 29, 2013

holy moly

By Meg Walter

A note to all future Bachelor/Bachelorette applicants: I assume somewhere on the online form is a qustion along the lines of "Do you enjoy the outdoors?" Answer yes. Even if it's a lie. When asked about your interests,  do not write that you are a girly girl who enjoys shopping, manicures, and facials. Write that you love to hike, own two pet rattle snakes, are comfortable with all types of vermon, and have zero fear of heights. If there is one thing the Bachelor producers love to do, it's make these girls, who are cooped up in a house with too many other woman and desperately looking forward to a night out with a handsome man, do things that they hate and or fear on their one-on-one dates. It could mean swimming with sharks, it could mean jumping off a sky scraper, or it could mean getting up close and personal with nature.  It's no suprise then that Seaen took Selma, the missing link between the Kardashians and the rest of humanity, on an off-roading, rock-climbing adventure. And then instead of getting cleaned up and dining on a romantic rooftop while being serenaded by Nickleback or a band of similar repute (cough Train cough) the producers dumped Sean and Selma in a Toon Town-esque trailer park that Selma called "Country Glam," bless her heart. Bless her heart for that, and bless her heart for refusing to kiss Sean and subjecting our eyes to more of the world's worst lip locking. Her excuse was that her Arabic mother would disapprove. Sure, sweetie. Your mom is fine with you spending months on a reality show, wearing a top that shows a whole lotta Selma, and cursing like a sailor, but kissing is out of the question. I don't buy it. If I had to guess, I would say one of the other girls warned her of his mouth attacks and she was wise to not fall victim on camera.

The producers made Sarah with one arm participate in the Roller Derby group date, which has to be in violation of some sort of law, but it was actually Amanda who fell and hurt her jaw, giving the LA paramedics their second cameo this season. The remainder of the derby was disappointingly unviolent. During the evening portion of Polygammy day, Tierra threw another hissy fit that was likely one part alcohol and two parts attention seeking. She spoke of the torture the other girls put her through,  how special she is and how she deserves better. Sean fell for it, proving that he really is as dumb as he looks. Tierra got the rose.

Sean sent Leslie H some diamond earrings (Selma probably had an aneuryrsm when she saw them) and wisked her away to a prom dress shop to be outfitted for the best night of high school, then to NEIL LANE for the ugliest diamond necklace ever. There was more than one comparison to Pretty Woman, the movie about a prostitute, (see: Sean, dumb). They dined on a rooftop (Sorry, Selma), and after Leslie said"holy moly" for the eighteenth time, it was clear things just weren't going to work out. Sean walked her out,  removed her diamond necklace (likely to her relief), and before she got in  the limo she warned him of girls who are not what they seem. If there's ever a time to warn your bachelor of the evils of other women, it's when you're sure there's no hope for you. If there's ever a time for your bachelor to listen, it's when a rejected women is warning him of other girls. But listen he did not. He did, however, drop Leslie's rose from a balcony while some musician I've never heard of played a sad song, ABC's attempt to  give him the promised screen time even though he was hired to provide romantic backdrop music at the end of the  date.

We also said good bye to Amanda who was either wearing plum lipstick or dried blood from her jaw injury on her lips. She talked of heart break but did  not cry. She's going to be fine.

Episode bonus:Two uncomfortable close ups of Sean's thighs.

Until next week...

No comments:

Post a Comment