I admit it- after a several-season hiatus from Survivor, what lay before me on Survivor made my heart pound. Not the iconic returning players, not the race to pull supplies off the ship and toss chickens overboard, and not the stunning scenery of the Phillipines. What really amped my adrenaline was this:
“You know, Ah’ve hayad people come up ta’me awwll the time and ask me ‘bout Frankenstein” (Indicates to the Frankenstein bust tattooed to his forearm) “he picked a ‘lil girl a flower and gave it to her. That’s right b‘fore he strangled her, but you know, he gave’er a flower. That’s kinda how Ah feel about mahself, you know, Ah could either strangle you or pick you a flower, it just depends what you pull outta me, you know whatamean?” Oh Zane.
Russell from Samoa, Jonathan from Cook Islands and Micronesia, and my personal childhood reality TV hero from season 2 (whoa, has it been that long? Am I that old? Is Jeff Probst truly that okay with living in a decadent trailer in the Jungle for all these years?) Michael from Australia are all back to reclaim their Survivor dignity. Each of them outplayed and outwitted their opponents, but sadly could not outlast dehydration, infection, or, you know, melting their hands with fire. They are here to prove their medical maladies were just flukes, and win the million Washingtons.
But returning players aren’t the only familiar faces. Washed up teen star Lisa Welchel of 'The Facts of Life' was too graceful for Dancing With the Stars, and sadly had to settle for 39 days in the Jungle instead to kickstart her notoriety. MLB Second Baseman Jeff Kent might be familiar to a baseball fan or two from his days on the San Francisco Giants, especially since he brought his outdated mustache with him as his luxury item.
Jeff gets right to business kicking survivors off the boat, and survivors get right to business trying to drown their chickens. Multiple participants still seem confused about how this game works. They arrived in trendy linen shirts, one-sleeved sun dresses, and what I’m almost positive is a denim jumper.
Survivor Tribes Cheat Sheet:
Matsing-Purplish Tealish?
Denise
Malcom
Zane
Russell
Roxy
Angie
Tandang-Yellow (runner up)
Abi-Maria
Artis
RC
Michael
Pete
Lisa
Kalabaw-Red (winner)
Dana
Katie
Jonathan
Jeff
Dawson
Carter
Russell gives the Matsing tribe a long leadership speech about how he’s not a leader, Malcolm takes his shirt off (my favorite kind of silent leadership) Jonathan sacrifices Kalabaw tribe bonding time for a dip in the freshwater, and RC shows Tandang the Summer 2012 Victoria’s Secret line she brought with her to the island.
But the real hard worker in episode one is Zane. He makes alliances with the girls, the boys, the chickens, and at least two camera men.
The immunity challenge is your classic brains and brawns test, and another fantastic opportunity for Russell to show how very deeply he wants to not be the leader by talking a great deal and cutting people off. Kalabaw (purplishtealish) wins in a come-from-behind win for immunity and a fire kit, and Tandang (the yellow folks) make lovely runners up for immunity and flint. Matsing makes a hilarious showing of micromanaging, lack of aerobic dexterity (also known as laziness), and utter puzzle puzzlement to come in a distant third.
It’s quickly clear that there is an emotional divide in the tribe between the normal people and the crazy people. The only question becomes which crazy to send home first: the failurific non-leading micromanager Russell, or the unathletic lovebug redneck, Zane. It devastates me to lose either of these blogging treasures. Wise, hot Malcolm seems equally torn.
Survivor is cruel, and so away went my Survivor bread and butter, Zane. Just as he was starting to get his metaphors about onions straight they took him away from me. Stay away from the smokes, Zane.
Lorraine’s Predictions:
Denise (sex therapist) and Wise Hot Malcolm are going to make a good run of it. RC will go far, but backstab too much to make it all the way. Roxy, Pete, and Artis seem like strong quiet folk who could ride coat tails to the top. If my old Fan Favorite, Michael, can survive his own accident prone propensity, brother stands a chance.
Look forward to a season of breakdowns, injuries, broken hearts and sleuthing, y’all!
Lorraine is a University employee by day, trash TV enthusiast at night, and equestrian nutcase all the time. She is wildly outnumbered by dudes in the house she shares with her husband Dan, cat Jeoffrey, and dog Reverend Trask
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