Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Bachelor Pad Finale, or Why You Should Never Underestimate the Quiet One

Last night's BP finale totally made up for the snoozefest that was all seven previous episodes. The last few minutes were so incredible that I gave a standing ovation from my living room.

But let's start from the beginning.

We start by catching up with the contestants and their "relationships". Kalon and Lindzi are still together, although Eika Rose make things supes awks by announcing that Kalon has been a man about Austin Town with all sorts of ladies.  Michael called his relationship with Rachel a summer camp relationship. Rachel thought it was eternal love. Whoops. Jaclyn is still mad at Rachel for sending her home. No one cares.
Jamie says some stuff but I have no idea what  because I'm too distracted by her face:

The makeup artist hates her

Blakely has a new tat sleeve, and things with her and Tony The Rebound are "going well". With a forced smile she announces that they're moving in together. But when Tony has something more to say, she looks like she might wet herself. And after Tony proposes with a NEIL LANE diamond (courtesy of ABC, I'm sure), this is Blakely's face:

Poor thing forgot her bra

They are going to make it for sure. Remember how Tony did all this for his son? Lucky kid gets an emotionally unstable 34 year old Hooters waitress for a new mommy.

Rachel shows up looking like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman before the shopping spree. Big mistake, Rachel. Huge. She ignores her partner and cries about Michael. No one cares.

Chris claims that he's already taken some major heat from his family for his treatment of females, so leave him alone guys because he's already heard it and he's grounded until graduation. "I hear it from my parents and I've had enough" says the 25 year old man incapable of making good choices without Mom and Dad near.

It's no surprise that Rachel and Nick win the votes of their housemates over Chris the Villain and his partner Sarah. But then it's time to send them to their deliberation rooms. In these rooms, there are two signs. One says "share", the other says "keep." If both Nick and Rachel choose "share", they split $250,000. If both choose "keep," neither gets the money. If one chooses "keep" and the other chooses "share", the partner who chooses "keep" gets every penny. We have to assume that Nick and Rachel have discussed this before hand and reached an agreement. They spend five minutes in their separate rooms looking concerned and conflicted, never very convincingly. The two walk back on stage holding their concealed signs. Rachel says, "You can't win without a partner" and reveals her sign reading "share." Then Nick makes this speech:

"I think it's really funny...ironic...that nobody sitting up there in the cast, nobody sitting in the audience, and nobody sitting at him watching this ever would have put their money on me being here and winning this. I was on nobody's radar. Nobody was ever on my team, and I did this all myself. Nobody ever cared how I was going to vote, what my plan was. I feel like I'm an outsider. I got here by myself and I did this all by myself. Rachel never wanted to be my partner. As a matter of fact she told me that she backed into this partnership, and she tried to leave on me three times, knowing that it would screw me over. Never once did she say to me, 'I'm going to stick it out for your sake'."

And then Nick reveals his sign that reads, "Keep."I get chills. The audience stands and applauds. The jaws of the cast drop in unison. An irate Rachel spews profanity and claims he never would have made it without her. She cries. No one cares. She calls him a schmuck, and he replies with what might be the greatest line in television history, "I'm a schmuck with $250,000." Bravo, sir. 

Nick made it through Bachelor Pad in very much the same way I made it through middle school, saying as little as possible and staying out of everyone's way. He was looked over as the quiet one, the loner, the partner no one wanted. And for that he won a quarter of a million dollars. 

The producers try extremely hard to elicit our sympathies for a devastated Rachel using a melancholy piano melody as back drop to the limo interview with a slick-haired Nick with a sinister smile intermittently cut with footage of a crying Rachel. It doesn't work. I'm so proud of the quiet guy who played the greatest game television has every seen. 

The credits roll over footage of contestant dissing Nick. Chris says, "Nick doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't seem like the smartest guy." I hope his dad spanked him for that one. 

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