Wednesday, August 15, 2012

More like Bachelor SAD, amirite guys?

Is this a joke?

This week on Bachelor Pad we witnessed an unfortunate epidemic. Chris, pictured above, seduced a third woman. Third. Him. What? How? Why? I don't know. The only plausible explanation is some new strain of cabin fever, the progression of which is made infinitely worse with alcohol consumption. The most alarming symptoms of this devastating disease are the words coming out of the victims' mouths. "He's so hot," said one. "He has the hottest voice," said another. "I love his eyes," said one more. Someone call a doctor. Chris Harrison doesn't count.

Of his conquest of Sarah, girl number 3, Chris said, "The best thing I have done is trade in Blakely and Jamie for Sarah. It's like getting a new car. It's got that new car smell. It's smoother and nicer and easier for me." Sarah is one lucky lady. We all dream of objectification and becoming a man's smoother, nicer and easier ride. Hey Sarah, can you tell me where to buy Eau De New Car?
I hate to throw around accusations, but I'm going to go ahead and pitch this one right at his face: MISOGYNIST. Think that's too harsh? Earlier in the episode he said about Jamie, "The only way to shut her up is to kiss her." See?

I'm curious to see what the future holds for Chris. Bachelor Pad will end. He will go back to reality where women are not infected with Bachelor Pad Fever. I suspect he will try to date these women. These women will have seen him on the show or they will have friends who saw him on the show. I hope he thoroughly enjoyed his time with Sarah because she is most likely the last female he will ever touch.

The challenge this week was called "Bachelor Pad Gameshow Mashup." ABC, it's time to hire a copywriter. Erica was accused of eating her hair, and honestly I believe it. Jamie said Jaclyn was fake, which inexplicably came as a surprise to Jaclyn. Ed and Jaclyn won and then went on a date with each other. They sang the National Anthem at Dodger Stadium and made Roseanne's rendition sound down right reverent. Chris and Sarah acted in an action short, and Sarah said, "We are literally making an action movie." Really? Literally? I thought this whole thing was just a metaphor. Blakely and Jamie drank wine and argued about Chris, who was off getting a new car named Sarah. Everyone discussed alliances and strategy like they were about to invade Poland. After forty five minutes of super boring voting footage, Dave and Jamie were sent home. Dave, the superfan, was elated to be doing his limo exit interview. He grinned from ear to ear and cried tears of joy reflecting on the time he was lucky enough to spend on Bachelor Pad. Maybe he was drunk. He was probably drunk. Jamie cried tears of sorrow. And then probably egged Chris' car.

Until next time, BP. In the words of Blakely, "Here's to another week, great challenges, more bonding and more drinking." Cheers, Blakely. Cheers.


  1. Unbeknownst to us, somewhere in the recesses of space, intergalactic alien lawyers are trying to submit Bachelor Pad as evidence for the destruction of earth.

    “We believe that these creatures must be destroyed before they develop the ability to leave the galaxy,” they will say.

    “Denied,” the supreme council will decree, “your evidence clearly proves that their intelligence is in remission.”