holy moly

By Meg Walter

A note to all future Bachelor/Bachelorette applicants: I assume somewhere on the online form is a qustion along the lines of "Do you enjoy the outdoors?" Answer yes. Even if it's a lie. When asked about your interests,  do not write that you are a girly girl who enjoys shopping, manicures, and facials. Write that you love to hike, own two pet rattle snakes, are comfortable with all types of vermon, and have zero fear of heights. If there is one thing the Bachelor producers love to do, it's make these girls, who are cooped up in a house with too many other woman and desperately looking forward to a night out with a handsome man, do things that they hate and or fear on their one-on-one dates. It could mean swimming with sharks, it could mean jumping off a sky scraper, or it could mean getting up close and personal with nature.  It's no suprise then that Seaen took Selma, the missing link between the Kardashians and the rest of humanity, on an off-roading, rock-climbing adventure. And then instead of getting cleaned up and dining on a romantic rooftop while being serenaded by Nickleback or a band of similar repute (cough Train cough) the producers dumped Sean and Selma in a Toon Town-esque trailer park that Selma called "Country Glam," bless her heart. Bless her heart for that, and bless her heart for refusing to kiss Sean and subjecting our eyes to more of the world's worst lip locking. Her excuse was that her Arabic mother would disapprove. Sure, sweetie. Your mom is fine with you spending months on a reality show, wearing a top that shows a whole lotta Selma, and cursing like a sailor, but kissing is out of the question. I don't buy it. If I had to guess, I would say one of the other girls warned her of his mouth attacks and she was wise to not fall victim on camera.

The producers made Sarah with one arm participate in the Roller Derby group date, which has to be in violation of some sort of law, but it was actually Amanda who fell and hurt her jaw, giving the LA paramedics their second cameo this season. The remainder of the derby was disappointingly unviolent. During the evening portion of Polygammy day, Tierra threw another hissy fit that was likely one part alcohol and two parts attention seeking. She spoke of the torture the other girls put her through,  how special she is and how she deserves better. Sean fell for it, proving that he really is as dumb as he looks. Tierra got the rose.

Sean sent Leslie H some diamond earrings (Selma probably had an aneuryrsm when she saw them) and wisked her away to a prom dress shop to be outfitted for the best night of high school, then to NEIL LANE for the ugliest diamond necklace ever. There was more than one comparison to Pretty Woman, the movie about a prostitute, (see: Sean, dumb). They dined on a rooftop (Sorry, Selma), and after Leslie said"holy moly" for the eighteenth time, it was clear things just weren't going to work out. Sean walked her out,  removed her diamond necklace (likely to her relief), and before she got in  the limo she warned him of girls who are not what they seem. If there's ever a time to warn your bachelor of the evils of other women, it's when you're sure there's no hope for you. If there's ever a time for your bachelor to listen, it's when a rejected women is warning him of other girls. But listen he did not. He did, however, drop Leslie's rose from a balcony while some musician I've never heard of played a sad song, ABC's attempt to  give him the promised screen time even though he was hired to provide romantic backdrop music at the end of the  date.

We also said good bye to Amanda who was either wearing plum lipstick or dried blood from her jaw injury on her lips. She talked of heart break but did  not cry. She's going to be fine.

Episode bonus:Two uncomfortable close ups of Sean's thighs.

Until next week...

King of the Nerds

By Allyson Hubner

I’ve never watched a reality TV show. Hold your applause, please –I also don’t own a TV or eat meat, so, yes, I sound like a super judgmental jerk. I promise I’m not, I don’t avoid reality shows out of a sense of purpose, more like a lack of interest.

Some people pretend they haven’t even heard of super popular TV shows, as though it makes them so much better than people who watch them. Then they pretend like they’re allergic to even talking about it “What’s a Bachelor Pad? I only watch David Lynch movies...” I just can’t get interested in the embarrassing moments that don’t feel scripted (American Idol), and the rest of the moments that do (all reality TV ever).

That said, I’m slightly interested in how TBS’s King of the Nerds treats their participants. Nerdiness is experiencing a sort of vogue (see this Portlandia PSA):

so it’s certainly a good time to capitalize on the trend. The participants have a wide range of interests and strengths – although all of them picked Tesla over Edison, so they obviously have some shared interests.

I’m interested to see how this shows treats these nerds. As long as it isn’t an embarrassing expose like the first few episodes of “American“Idol,” or like any episode of “The Bachelor,” I may just watch it.

http://www.tbs.com/shows/king-of-the-nerds/

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Forward

Guy's got no game

By Meg Walter

Let us all praise modern DVR technology and the ability we have to fast-forward television.  Last night it spared all of America from having to cringe through three minutes and sixteen seconds  of the world's worst on-screen kiss.  The world record they were trying to set was for longest, but in my book it goes down as most vomit-inducing. Come on,  Sean. Did you not think to practice your macking skills before spending months kissing a lot of women for all the world to see? Here's hoping his form improves over the coming weeks or we all have a lot of fast forwarding in our futures. It's amazing Leslie stuck around for the rest of the date and even kissed him again. Girl is in it to win it.

Despite his lip fumbles, Sean earned some respect when he told Kacie, who clumsily stirred the pot by tattling on Des(z?) and Amanda, that she was acting like  a total nutjob. It's commendable that Sean saw through her fake concern and called her on it,  leaving her essentially speechless and mortified. It's a lesson I'm surprised these girls haven't learned yet,  especially if they've ever watched the show. Fight all you want in the house, keep those ratings  high, but never waste one-on-one time with the bachelor hissing about other women. It never works in  your favor. It's no surprise, then,   that Kacie was told to pack her bags. Next stop: Bachelor Pad.

Tierra "fell down the stairs" and "sustained a head injury". She acted like  a stroke victim until the paramedics arrived and she hopped up and scampered away. Sean found her, said some comforting words and rubbed her thigh. Remember when Michelle Money faked a black eye? This show is  the best.

AshLee and Sean spent a day at Six Flags with two chronically ill girls, which was nice but not particularly interesting to watch. Come to think of it, any time Sean is on screen is never particularly interesting. It was a bit shocking to see some human emotion from him after AshLee told an incredibly painful story about her past as an abused foster child. He cried. It was kind of sweet. This is not a funny paragraph.

In addition to Kacie, we said good bye to a blond girl I had never seen before and the professional model.  Hey, we can't all  be so lucky as Courney who rode her model title to a win.

Tornado of negativity

By Meg Walter

It appears that what Bachelor Sean lacks in personality, he makes up for in muscles. We know this because we saw Sean shirtless in the shower. Of course we did. This is The Bachelor.

On  the  first one on one date, Sarah and Sean went to an art house screening of a documentary, then discussed the merits of Dostoyevsky's earlier works. Just kidding.  They rode in a helicopter and jumped off a building and talked about relationships. Real original.

The group date was a test of tempers as the girls sat and watched each other pose for photos with Sean.The winning photo will be featured on the cover of romance  novels. Amazingly, no one no one found this prospect horrifying or humiliating. The professional  model won to no one's surprise, and  Tierra tried her best to kill off the other  ladies with intense glaring.

Desiree was subjected to a really terrible evening wherein Sean and Chris Harrison sat and  giggled as poor Des was pranked. Sean then invited her to his place to hang out. They must have blown the budget on Sarah's helicopter ride and building jumping.

When one of his potential  wives asked Sean if he was attracted to black women, and his answer sounded a lot like the lyrics of War's  "Spill the Wine". He likes long ones tall  ones short ones brown ones crazy ones. Sean likes all the ladies. But then he sent  home one of the black ladies.

Sean did some kissing and suddenly the world realized why he asked Ari  how to properly kiss a woman. Homeboy struggles.

He also sent home the Salt Lake City girl and another one who I'd never seen before left on her own, probably because she realized she was on The Bachelor.

50 Shades of Drunk

"I wish I was more sober right  now," says the women in the wedding dress, trying desperately to get Bachelor Sean to kiss her. No doubt many bachelor contestants have said the same thing later while watching their season  at home on a couch, but to actually recognize in the moment that you are plastered and making a complete fool of yourself on national television, well that's some serious self awareness.  Maybe that's why Sean kept her around for another week. Or maybe it's because she wasn't actually the craziest lady of the night. Nor was the woman  who pulled tissue from her cleavage.

No, the nuttiest award goes to the 50 Shades of Grey obsessed blond carrying around a neck tie. It's a shame we won't be seeing more of her because she's exactly the kind of train wreck we all hope to get from Reality Television. Other rejects from last night include the Tennesseean who obviously hoped to launch her career in country music with a much too long musical  introduction, a bunch of girls who had zero camera time, and an old Bachelor Pad contestant tiredly trying to run the hamster wheel of  Bachelor fame before fading into oblivion. She was not as successful as Kacie from Ben's season who progressed to next week, or Ari  who showed up for a visit whihout any really reason except maybe to remind America that he would be a far  more interesting Bachelor.

Overall it's a same song  different verse scenario.  A boring, vaguely southern, muscular tweny-something courting a group of very pretty, very desperate women, including a few sweethearts,  a few masters of manipulation and at least one girl who says "I'm not here to make friends." The only difference is that this time not all the women are white. Maybe there was a discrimination law suit. Also, Sean seems to be trying this darndest to stir things up by handing out roses, willy nilly, as though the Rose Ceremony doesn't even matter. It's a real  problem for those viewers who only pay attention to the last ten minutes, so, you know, all of  us.

If only it had been Dorota!

By Jen Gulbrandsen

My love for Gossip Girl was found late. January 2011, in fact. It began as a strange desire to finally watch this show that all of these people seemed to love, and I found a way to download all of the episodes, and I watched them right in a row. And I loved it. It was childish and awful and silly and yet so insanely addicting. I couldn’t help it. The clothing. The hair. The headbands. The accessories. The boys. The clothing! And the salaciousness, of course. I loved all of it.

That love has kept me watching through the less interesting and more ridiculous moments of the show. Like Ivy. Or Nate’s child girlfriend. Or Bart’s resurrection. There’s also the entire royal wedding travesty. Seasons 5 and 6 in general. But in the end, it always comes back to the fact that no matter how ridiculous it is, I still want to be a part of it. So when we discover that Gossip Girl is actually none other than Dirty Dan Humphrey, I’m not really all that surprised. Mostly because it was the largest theory floating around for the last two years, but a little bit because even if I hate him, I identify with him. As writers we observe everything in our surroundings, and we long to write all about it. There are so many things I wish I could say about what I see, but because I’m not an anonymous voice, I can’t.

As much as I hate Dan Humphrey’s chest hair and his lack of general grooming, I appreciate the entire concept of it all.

There are some fun moments in the episode, most notably Uncle Jack’s leaving his other life as dirty cop from Miami to team up with Georgina. This is me putting in the bid for the show about their scheming and dealing.

So where do we end up? Chuck and Blair marry in blue accents near the Met and in the ‘five years later’ portion of the finale, we see that they have a little boy named Henry who is pretty darn adorable. Dan enabled Nate to have a hugely successful media empire, or at least that’s what I gather by his corporate jet and hinted bid for Mayor of New York City. He seems to be alone, which is where I insert my sincere desire and hope that he and Jenny end up together in the end. You wouldn’t guess it, but I love them together even more than Chair. Everyone has gathered for Dan and Serena’s wedding (really? It took ANOTHER five years???); Rufus with that one Lisa Loeb or Leob or Loebe singer, Lily with Papa van der Woodsen, and Eric and Jenny. Don’t worry, her eyeliner is still in full force.

This is awfully sappy. My apologies. It’s the end of an era. I may not be bawling through the entire final episode like I did with Gilmore Girls, but I still am sad to see all the glorious fashion and drama go.

It’s actually a decent ending for a really terrible season, and a comfortable ending for a marginally enticing series. It may not be the magic that the first few seasons were, but we all love that world, and we all hate to admit that we want to be in that world, and therefore we will continue to go back and watch old episodes in the hopes that maybe we find ourselves fitting right in, too.