Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 6: Have you ever fart in the public?

A viking ship full of boys in pastel shorts sails into Venice, 

to meet the Queen of Love in her appropriately decor-ed gondola. 

She had to have borrowed that ride from an escort service, right?

The only dude who hasn't been on a one-on-one with Andi is Cody, so when Andi announces that there is no date card and the next date starts immediately, Cody all but waves goodbye to the group and reaches for Andi's hand. But....twist...Andi is actually taking Nick on her first Italian date.

Nick is pleased.

Cody is not.

The other men do not like Nick because Andi does. At the hotel they gossip and speculate and wonder if maybe Andi will send Nick home because of the drama from last week, drama which seemed completely fabricated and necessary only to stretch the show for two hours.

Nick and Andi do romantic Venice-y things like hold hands on a bridge,

I want that coat, like, yesterday

contract Avian Flu,

and clog their friends' Instagram feeds with selfies. 

#hats #luv #hott #followback

The group date card arrives back at the hotel. Cody's name is absent, meaning, yes, Cody, you finally get that one-on-one. Cody's muscles explode in excitement.

Nick and Andi make their gondola guy wish he had gone into a different profession.

Then prepare for dinner. Andi goes for an understated look

and understated location.

They talk, they resolve their completely made-up issues, and Andi roses Nick.

Then makes him wear a mask because when in Venice, invent your own venetian customs and enforce them on your lover. 

The next day Andi receives another note from her secret admirer. 

The editors employ this cinematic technique again because this show isn't stupid enough as is:

For the group date, Andi takes her men in waiting to a torture chamber

and introduces two guys who have definitely murdered and hid multiple bodies for the Italian mafia. 

Andi calls them, "Two of Italy's finest experts in administering and delivering Lie Detector Tests."
Super scary guy says something in Italian, and slightly less scary guy translates, "We are here to make with you a lie detector test."

This. THIS. This is what television should be. I would watch one hundred hours of Joe Pesci's evil cousin administering lie detector tests to single dudes.

The questions include "Are you here for the right reasons?", "Do you think you could fall in love with Andi?" and "Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?", to which Dylan answered NO?! No surprise that after the test he doesn't feel well and has to return to the hotel room. One can only walk around with poop on their hands for so long before coming down with hepatitis or dysentery.  Gross.

When asked, "Are you Andi's secret admirer?", Chris answers "yes." Chris becomes concerned that Andi will see this confession on the test results.

But luckily for Chris, Andi destroys the results. Andi, you fool. You may end up with Dylan and have to deal with a series of deadly, communicable diseases the rest of your life. 

Andi and the guys toast to trust and a day completely wasted.

Brian administers his own lie detector test and asks, "Do you want to make out?" Smooth. 

Markus drops the L word.

And Josh accuses Andi of not trusting him.

This upsets Andi, but it's hard to take her seriously when she's wearing the necklace she picked up at Joe's Surf Shack during spring break in seventh grade. 

Chris reveals his secret admiring identity.

Which turns out to be a smart move when he is rewarded with a rose.

JJ pouts and says, "I'm getting a little sick of everybody congratulating everyone else on getting roses and advancing." JJ is then burned at the stake.

For their date, Andi takes Cody to Verona. The two play Romeo and Juliette. Shakespeare moans in agony from the depths of his grave.

Then they visit the Juliette Club, an organization that receives and responds to letters about troubles in love. 

Cody is so inspired after spending the day responding to these letters that he writes his own epistle to Andi. 

In essence it says, "I can't wait for you to meet my mom and for us to get married and have lots of babies." His enthusiasm is a bit much.

Andi eventually has to cut him off mid-declaration of undying devotion to tell him she's just not feeling it. 

Week 6 is the best week because it always means the return of the limo-cam. Cody spends his ride to the airport crying and lamenting the love lost. 

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison shows up. What does Chris Harrison do all week? Does he sit at Italian cafes and sip red wine? Does he go out clubbing every night? Or is he hard at work on set, asking Andi and whatever boy she may be with if they can do that scene over again? We may never know. 

Chris and Andi have a heart to heart. Andi's had a bit of a rough week. She's doubting the process. It's going to be a tough rose ceremony. Usual week 6 stuff.

Look at that table full of boys. Six of them practice proper bathroom hygiene. One of them does not. Had she read those lie detector results, this would not be a tough call.

A quick aside: Some of Andi's dresses are complete misses. But this dress was a real hit. 

Andi presents roses to all but JJ,

who spends his ride to the airport lamenting love lost. 

I hope during this toast no one touches hands with Dylan.

See you next week.

1 comment:

  1. You are so hilarious. Thank you for writing! Reading your Bachelorette posts are the highlight of my week!