Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 7: Pickle Juice

Ugh. This week. Ugh. I mean, I enjoy watching grown men pout and whine as much as the next guy, but two hours of it feels a bit excessive, and two hours is exactly how long the six men of week 7 spent acting like preschoolers.

Let's get this over with.

The good news is that Andi arrives in Belgium with not one, but two ponchos.

This one is part leather.

And the boys bring their extensive scarf collections.

What a beautiful, beautiful woman.

Chris Harrison pops in and asks, "Sup boys?" cause he's just one of the guys except like fifty years older.

Chris needlessly reminds the crew that next week is hometowns and the pressure is on to get a rose. Then he drops the date card.

Marcus removes the scarf and Andi switches to poncho number 2 before heading out for a day in Brussels

and generally acting like fools in public.

They stop the shenanigans for lunch at an establishment that paid a lot of money to be featured on to be featured on The Bachelorette famous for mussels.

Then ignore their dinner at The Academy Palace.

Marcus tells Andi his sad family story. You know what they say, "Make a girl sad, then you'll be did...cause she'll kiss you."

Andi says of Marcus, "This is a man. This is a total package man in front of me," and I'm like "Say what? The man who has a face most women would kill for? If you say so..."

Back at the hotel, Chris shields his eyes from Josh's cleavage

and the date card arrives. It reads,
Let's ghent it on.

Then Marcus returns from his date all smiley and googley eyes and Nick is like forget this, I'm going to find my woman, and he does.

He visits the front desk, claims to have lost his room key and forgotten his room number, and says his wife is Andi. Take note serial killers: it totally works. The desk clerk reveals Andi's room number.

And soon Nick shows up at Andi's door. She's surprised. Pleasantly surprised. 

As the two walk through the streets of Brussels, Andi mentions something about the situation being against the rules. Every once in a while a Bachelor or Bachelorette makes a vague reference to "the rules" and it's confusing. What are these rules? Were they at some point outlined on the show? Did I miss that episode cause I was like 7 years old when the show premiered? I think I speak for everyone when I say we need a rules refresher.

Or maybe not because everyone on the show takes a rules schmules approach to strategy.

It's an approach that certainly works for Nick.

After too much on-screen snogging, Andi says, "When he kisses me I can feel what he is thinking." Interpret that how you will.

The next day Andi meets Josh for their date in Ghent

just in time for the goose parade. 

"That was literally phenomenal," says Josh, marking the season's first egregious misuse of "literally."

Later Josh and Andi sit down for a heart-to-heart. Andi is concerned because all the other men have sworn their undying love and all but proposed, but Josh is keeping his feelings under wraps. She asks questions like, "What are you going to tell your family about how your feelings for me?" until he finally gets the hint and says he's falling in love with her.

Smart move, Josh.

The date ends with a performance from the band American Young, which feels like a slap in the face to the Music Board of Belgium which may or may not be an actual organization.

Group date card arrives at the hotel and reads,
"True love is sacred" and lists Nick, Dylan, Chris and Brian as date participants.

Dylan doesn't bother to shower before the date,

and unfortunately confirms my suspicions that he isn't the brightest boy in the batch when he says, "The ruins stood the test of time, and I'm hoping mine and Andi's relationship can also stand the test of time." The thing is, Dylan, that the word "ruins" suggests that they have not, in fact, stood the test of time, and are instead ruined. 

Because Andi loves making group dates complete misery for her suitors, she puts the men to work pedaling a rail bike while she sits in the middle laughing.

This has nothing to do with the narrative of the episode, but Nick's outfit demonstrates the wisdom of the old fashion adage, "Before leaving the house look in the mirror and take one thing off." Bro could go without the bandana pocket square.

Andi takes the men to a monastery, tells them no kissing allowed, then promptly pulls a Swayze-Moore with  Chris.

Cue: Unchained Melody. 

Rules schmules.

Meanwhile, Brian starts to lose it.

"I don't want to start freaking out but I'm freaking out," he says. For a basketball coach he doesn't hold up very well under pressure. He says of the date's single rose and guarantee for a home-town date, "I want that on my body."

So it's bad news for Brian when Nick gets the rose on his body, like that outfit needs another accessory.

Chris, Dylan, and Brian cry wee wee wee all the way home

While Nick takes full advantage of the extra time he gets to spend with Andi. 

Happy Fourth, Belgium!

When Nick returns come dressed like Eliza Dolittle pre-makeover, an all out boy fight ensues.

The room sits in silence for a while.

Then Brian's face turns red and he explodes with angry words. He accuses Nick of being overly concerned with strategy, knowing the show to well, and planning his next move. The other men all agree, and lie about having no idea how the show works. 

Nick's response?

"I didn't come here to be in a frat house." Solid.

At the cocktail party, Chris adds his name to the list of men in love with Andi,

and Nick gets emotional talking about introducing Andi to his friends and family. Look. I know a lot of people don't like Nick. And the editors are certainly doing their part to make him this season's villain. But I think he genuinely cares for Andi, and shouldn't be faulted for knowing how the show works. There. I said it.

The men hold back their nervous barfs as the rose ceremony proceeds. 

Brian and Dylan are left without roses and without hope of ever finding love again. Or so it would seem by their reactions.

Dylan cries:

Andi cries:

Brian has a complete meltdown. When he hears laughter in the background he says, "Great. That's just great. That's exactly what I want to hear." It's a little hilarious. 

Here's to meeting crazy family members and overly protective mothers next week at hometowns!

See you then. 

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