Monday, June 2, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 3: Part 1: Separating the boys from the men

ABC is testing this blogger's limits and doing a two-night special event. By end of day tomorrow I may just be typing stream of consciousness nonsense about Chris Harrison's shirts and probably gay contestants. But for now, here's part 1:

This week starts with a fifteen minute commercial for the Bacara resort in Santa Barbara.

They use this same shot 15 times during the episode

Starring Andi, obvs.

"I'm so excited!," she grimaces.

Chris Harrison arrives at The House of Testosterone clad in a jacket every woman owns.

This guy knows what I'm talking about:

"I think my mom bought that coat at Talbots"

Chrissy presents the first date card which reads:

Nick, who we can now just call Nick instead of Nick First Letter of Last Name after the other Nick's departure a week prior, is pleased.

But cautious. "Let's be honest, what are the chances things are going to work out here?," he asks, making way too much sense for this show's comfort level, and making the other fellas mad. IS HE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS? Let's all murmur.

Nick and Andi spend a day on bikes in Santa Barabara. Nick rides into oncoming traffic, is hit by an SUV and dies.

Just kidding. Nick somehow dodges the Honda Pilot and lives to caress Andi on the beach.

"I'm not desperate for love," says Nick, the man who auditioned for The Bachelorette, right before getting knocked off his feet and dragged out to sea by a massive wave. Just kidding. Again. No he really said that, but he isn't currently marooned on a raft somewhere in the pacific.

Back at Camp Dude, Andrew and Marcus have a nice, topless chat. You know, like guys often do.

"It's questionable whether they're [Andi and Nick] going to be able to have a legitimate connection," Andrew says. 

"Check out the way my chest hair glistens in the sunlight," Marcus responds.

Also, the group date card arrives. 

A note about a note? Freaking meta.

Nick claims to be a skeptic about this whole Meet, Fall in Love, and Propose on Television thing, so Andi keeps reminding him how normal their date is. Doesn't every first date include a full camera crew?

And dinner at the Santa Barbara Courthouse? 

By dinner I mean sitting next to untouched food and asking awkward questions like, "How are you still single?"

Nick answers with stories of past relationships, maturity, humility, blah blah blah, then ultimately gets the rose.

Celebrations ensue.

Up-closer celebrations ensue.

"Kissing Nick is amazing," Andi shares with millions of viewers. And we're all like "It didn't sound amazing, sweetheart." But really, Team Bach, could we maybe take the sound effects down a notch? 

The next day, the group daters start off with some early morning alcohol.

"Yoloooooooo" -Bradley

Followed by a surprise race for the first hug. Patrick is the only competitor. 

Good job, buddy

Soon after, Andi and company enter a music academy and find Boys II Men singing on stage and looking like they already severely regret agreeing to do this.

Andi, however, is stoked to be putting these former celebrities through living Hell.

Soon the men break into groups and start rehearsal for their upcoming show later that day. Well, Bradley rehearses while everyone else imitates cats in a slaughterhouse.

A commercial break later and it's time to perform in front of a crowd at a shopping center because that's what the career of Boys II Men has come to. 

It doesn't go great.

But at least these two still look very happy together.

At the end of the day, only love matters

At the Manly Mansion, the final date card arrives.

Pantsaprenuer JJ is pleased.

Andi and the group date guys toast to their utter failure of a performance.

Then Andi takes Cody aside for a joke? She seems to think it's a joke anyway. She says the other men have been tell her things about Cody. That he has a girlfriend, "They said you have a girlfriend and that she's a stripper!" Andi cracks and laughs like a maniac. At least she's pretty?


Thankfully, she quits the comedy and gets to some kissing. More specifically kissing Marcus:

And Josh:

And I guess we know who the better kisser is because Josh gets the rose:

The next day JJ wears these pants:

Fun accent pockets!
On a date. With a woman. 

But not just any woman, a young woman offensively dressed as a woman triple her age! A woman who wants to know what life would be like with JJ in fifty years. What a treat! As Andi tells JJ,"Head to toe, we are going to become old people together." Clearly, he can't wait:

The hair and makeup artists are kind to Andi:

I know no geriatrics with those brows, honey.

But not so kind to JJ:

To remind us that older citizens exist, the editors include this shot of an innocent park-goer. It's mean.

"This is really making me think seriously about JJ," Andi says while riding alongside JJ on Jazzy scooters, probably heading to DisneyLand, the Jazzy mecca.

A carousel? Close enough. Two young people dressed as old people and talking like old people share a horribly creepy kiss on an abandoned merry-go-round whilst a guy in a neon-orange shirt watches.

It's horrifying.

"If JJ and I had been married for 50 years, I think the day would have gone exactly how it did," Andi says because Andi apparently wants her future to be terrible.

The two finally get out of their agist costumes and don't eat their dinner.

Instead they talk, she gives him the rose, they kiss, the usual.

The next night, at the cocktail party, the men and Andi toast to Ron, who had to leave unexpectedly when a friend passed away. Andrews face is full of sympathy:

Eric is thrown off his game when Andi receives a massive bouquet during their chat. 

From Nick. Well played, Nick.

JJ and Josh confront Andrew about the time he got a hostess's phone number. A restaurant hostess. Not a hostess of the Twinkie or DingDong variety. 

A dingdong sounds really delicious right now.

Andrew is not amused.

Then again, so does a twinkie.

He walks away and into his room, emerging minutes later.

But not a chocolate cupcake because those are just less fun dingdongs.

He needed some time to get his story straight. The girl just gave him her number. He didn't brag about it. Anyone who heard him brag about it heard him wrong. 

The contention is too much for some:

I believe this is Andrew's lover Patrick, failing to defend his man's honor.

Unfortunately the cat fight is cut short by the start of the Rose Ceremony. 

Who planned the color scheme for this room and how are they still employed?

All get roses but Brett and Bradley.

Brett gives the normal spiell about being too nervous, too shy and not opening up.

Bradley, on the other hand, will send his footage to the Academy of Motion Picture in hopes of receiving an Oscar nomination.

He shakes his head in disbelief.

And a single tear runs down his cheek.

Cheers to that performance, sir.

See you tomorrow.

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