Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 5: I've got my mime on my money and my money on my mime

This week we catch up with Andi and the gang in Marseille. So, obviously, when the first date card arrives, it arrives in French.

Josh pretends to not be annoyed at being asked out in a language he doesn't speak.

Let's say there's a sixth grade class somewhere in middle America. This class is putting on a play. It's a play about France. They write the script, paint some sets, and put together costumes. Chris Harrison is dressed like he's the star of that sixth grade play about France. If he were wearing beret, his ensemble would be offensive.

Look at that man of international class and grace.

Chris talks to Andi about something. She says "Stop" which I interpret to mean "Stop dressing like the professor everyone hated in college".

On their date, Andi and Josh stroll around Marseille,

do a bit of sailing, 

a bit of King of the World-ing, 

and a bit of heimlich-maneuvering. 

Back at the hotel, the remaining men receive the group date card. 

It's the best date card yet.

Then things get a little juicy when some of the fellas start hating on Andrew. 

The international sign for "Pantsapeneur"

JJ reveals that Andrew made a racist remark during the first rose ceremony.

Understandably, Marquel takes offense. 

And understandably, he gets upset.

On the date, Andi and Josh have a serious talk, one Andi feels they need because she's afraid he's just like every other athlete she's dated.

She decides he's different from every other athlete she's ever dated. She gives him the rose.

They do not eat their dinner which appears to be par-broiled snake heads. Can't really blame them for that one.

Then, you're not going to believe this, but Ben Fields is in Marseille! That's right, I said Ben Fields. Not Folds. Fields. Who I'm guessing is making a living off of being mistaken for Ben Folds.

So surprising that this has happened for the 39th time this season.

Then, in the tradition of making her suitors' lives a living hell, Andi has a fun day of humiliation planned. Andi and this character who will forever haunt your nightmares:

Turns out, just like singing and stripping, the guys aren't particularly gifted at miming. 

"Fortunately we're in a dance studio and no one can see us," says someone asking for trouble. 

Meanwhile, Brain gets the week's final date card which reads, 

"Brian, I've got the recipe for love.

Brian is pleased.

Because spending the afternoon pretending to be stuck in a box isn't terrible enough, the dudes are forced outdoors and summarily forced to make complete fools of themselves dressed like the rest of the cast in Chris Harrison's play. 

The French don't much take to the debacle.

"Americans should never come to France and mime. Ever," says Marcus, making Marcus my new favorite. 

Andi notices that Nick isn't having a great time. 

"I can see the misery on Nick's face. He's not happy," says Andi. Huh. I wonder what it is about this situation that could possibly make Nick less than thrilled. 

That night JJ takes Andi for a surprise ferris wheel ride

while grown men get in a spat over who Andi likes best. 

Cody calls out Nick for thinking he's the front runner. A producer hits the soundtrack button marked "tension".

Patrick adds his opinion to the mix, calling Nick arrogant and ungentlemanly.

Cody acts super gentlemanly and speaks in refined vocabulary, 

then throws Nick under the bus. 

Nick doesn't want to talk about it, because he's a grown man.

"If I was your wife would you tell me?" asks Andi. Which is not a fair question, because if Andi wants to act like a wife to Nick, she should probably stop kissing a bakers dozen worth of men.

Wisely changing the subject, Nick recites a poem he wrote for Andi.

When I see you I smile,
When I see you I blush,
When I see you I get nervous,
When I see you my chests bursts with excitement.
When I see you I see beauty,
When I see you I see strength,
When I see you I see purpose,
When I see you I see a future.

My guess is that the paper in Nick's hand is actually a grocery list, and he just threw all those words together on the fly to get out of having to talk about another grown man.

It works, and Andi asks, "Are you going to kiss me already or what?" 

Marquel confronts Andrew about the alleged racist remarks.

Andrew acts shocked, denies any wrong doing, the two are friends again and the episode dissolves without further incident. It's a major disappointment.

On their on-on-one, Brian and Andi enjoy a private screening of The Hundred Foot Journey, and carry the spirit of cinema through the rest of their day. 

"I feel like a character in a movie. It's just like a fairytale kind of," Andi says while the guy next to her on the street does this:

Andi decides it would be so fun to make dinner in her apartment. You know, just like in the movie! Brian, it turns out, is not a huge fan of cooking, gets cold and distant, blah blah blah, who cares. The real story is whatever is happening outside Andi's window.

Either Andi has a perverse design aesthetic, or a member of The Blue Man group has murdered his wife and hid her body on a Marseille rooftop.

Andi shows us why she rarely eats on camera:

and the frog leg dinner is a total bust. So they head out for a meal.

And a kiss.

And then waltz right into a restaurant kitchen for more kissing. Americans. They think they own everything. 

Andi decides to forego the cocktail party this week, and skips straight to the Rose Ceremony dressed as a Madame of a House of Ill Repute.

Roses for all but Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel.

Andrew plays the victim. He's been bullied, harrassed, etc.

"Am I surprised I'm walking out the door this evening? Yes. I don't get it," Patrick states. The good news is that he and Andrew can now live a quiet, happy life together.

Marquel, who let's face it, has had a rough week, gets emotional. 

I genuinely like Marquel and am sad to see him go. 

The remaining men and Andi toast to their upcoming "journey" to Venice. See you there.

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