The Bachelorette Week 4: Broback Volcano Erupted

So Kaitlyn pulls Thor aside for a little DTR and it doesn't go great. 

"My gut was telling me Clint wasn't my husband," Kaitlyn explains. Sounds like someone needs some Activia. 

Kaitlyn sends Thor home but gives him the opportunity to bid farewell to his lover and the rest of the fellas.

Thor walks in and demands to know who the tattle tale was.

JJ, who just moments before said he would always defend his "buddy", says "I think you should say sorry to all of us right now."

Ben Z. does not want to get in the middle of this lovers' quarrel. 

Joe's a different story. While JJ and Thor engage in a heated exchange, Joe mozies on over right between the two of them. 

"There's an emotional energy that gets taken away, and as your friend, I just feel like that has to be said, man," JJ says, and Joe stands there.

Never change, Kentucky

"You have no idea how hard this is for me, man," JJ says as he shakes Thor's hand goodbye. The soft, loving hands of the man he has so swiftly betrayed. 

It's clear that they have some unfinished business, so they move this party to the foyer for some real close talking.

The words coming out of their mouths are angry, but the looks in their eyes tell a different story.

Not since Walter White made his first batch of blue meth has the world seen on-screen chemistry quite like this. 

Eventually they part ways, having said things they'll both regret, and JJ takes a minute to feel all his feels. 

He moves to a dark corner, slaps himself in the face, and commands himself to suck it up. It's marvelous. 

Chris Harrison appears, as Chris Harrison is wont to do, announcing it's time for the Rose Ceremony. 

But Kaitlyn be like, nah, I'd rather not. 

And Chris Harrison be like:

But Kaitlyn is The Bachelorette and has more power than all three branches of government combined, so she announces, "We're not going to have a Rose Ceremony tonight."

The men are not as enthused as she had hoped they would be. 

The men with roses realize all their work has been for naught, and the men without roses realize JJ is still in their midst. 

But then Chris Harrison tells the group to pack their bags and leave the mansion forever to travel the world with the first stop in New York City, and the mood quickly changes.

All participate in the merriment, except JJ who sniffles into his beverage. 

Kaitlyn makes a subtle entrance into the Big Apple. 

The group date card arrives at the boys' room:

How did Ziploc not sponsor this segment?

 Nope, it's not tupperware or hygiene related. It's Fresh, as in Doug E.

Shawn, like many of us watching at home, has no idea who that is. 

He's a rapper. It's a rap battle. Because on this show "group date" is synonymous with "an exercise in total humiliation."

The men choose their sparing partners and the matches are as follows:

Big thanks to the editing team for these Kick A graphics

Do the New Kids on the Block run a graphic design firm now?

Or is this font available in MS Word somewhere around WingDing?

Or maybe it's that cool Word Art shadowing trick that you use for science fair posters

"I've literally listened to zero rap in my entire life. I listen to Broadway show tunes religiously," JJ says. Infer from that what you will.

The rap battle goes down pretty much exactly how you would expect a rap battle between a group of software developers and former investment bankers to go down.

Badly. Really, really badly. 

In the end Shawn is the victor only because he Magic Mikes the crowd. 

After seeing that spectacular grouping of muscles attached to Ryan Gosling's face, it's confusing when Kaitlyn gets distracted by Corey Matthews in the audience.

Okay, technically it's Nick. From Andi's season. If you need a refresher, I know someone who blogged that entire season. Exhaustively. 

"It's Nick!" Kaitlyn exclaims from a broom closet. 

 The two have briefly communicated via social media, and Nick decided he couldn't let her get engaged without seeing her first.

Weirdly, Kaitlyn is not freaked that this guy dropped everything and flew to New York after a couple Facebook pokes.

Nick asks to stay. Kaitlyn tells him she'll think about it. 

She explains the situation to the men.

Shawn is confused. With good reason. 

But Kaitlyn can't help it that she's so popular. 

HE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE.

This is ridiculous, Kaitlyn. Ben H. wants to date you. Ryan Gosling's better dressed brother wants to date you. You really want to jeopardize that?

I guess so.

Back at the hotel, six men sit on one couch. Nothing weird here.

The date card arrives.

Loveman is excited. 

But then the rest of the dudes return from their date and explain the turn of events. 

and a dark cloud falls over Gotham. 

The weather is a metaphor for the cast's general mood. 

This show is so deep. 

Kaitlyn calls Nick because apparently there are no damn rules anymore. 

They agree to meet later in the day. 

Kaitlyn is confused and just needs someone to talk to.

So, she turns to the best listeners in the world: hair stylists.

That's not a joke. I think the people who do my hair know more about me than any of my friends or family. 

And Kaitlyn's hairdresser just happens to be...the one...the only...the onion lover herself....straight from Mesa Verde....Ashley S!

She appears to have stopped sniffing glue. 

And tells Kaitlyn that maybe this Nick business should be nicked. 

Kaitlyn does not like Ashley's advice or her hair styling, apparently, because in the next scene her hair is braided. 

She meets Nick, and finds him irresistible? Compared to Ben H.? Has the world turned upside down? 

"I think I would regret if I let you go," Kaitlyn says.

BEN H., Kaitlyn. Ben freaking H. You've lost your mind. 

Eventually, after, like, 70 minutes, Kaitlyn has to stop making out with Nick because she has a date with Loveman.

At the Met. 

They dine in the empty museum.

 And by dine, I mean they neglect two perfectly good brie wedges. Idiots.

Loveman, who looks like Tom Cruise if he was made to look slightly more sinister, wrote Kaitlyn a poem. 

Here it is:

"Sometimes it's hard to believe 

that something like this could happen so fast

tut I know how I feel 

and I know that this is something that could last. 

Love is something that I don't take lightly

it's very important to me 

tt seems sometimes 

even when it's right in front of your face

it's difficult to see.

I would love to slow dance with you again

it would be a really nice thing to do

plus you get to see my moves

I could teach you a thing or two.

So in conclusion, 

after I cross my t's and end all my i's with a dot

I just wanted to let you know that I like you, Kaitlyn

I like you a lot."

That last sentence is said in a Jim Carrey voice, just because it wasn't awful enough already.  

Kaitlyn likes it. Maybe the stress is affecting her judgment.

 Gross.

Why.

Kaitlyn managed to complete nearly an entire season on The Bachelor without riding in a helicopter.

Her time has come. 

Gross. Why.

The next group date card arrives.

But before subjecting the men to another round of sick torture upon requiring them to participate in some sort of athletic or musical performance most likely to humiliate them to the point of tears or convulsion, Kaitlyn decides to visit the men and announce her decision to add a new roommate.  

"I've been thinking aBOAT how you guys are feeling aBOAT it, how I'm feeling aBOAT it...," she says, because she's Canadian and talks funny. 

Shawn and Ben H. are like, wait, you've seen our faces and bodies, right? And you're still going through with this?

Yeah....so...Kaitlyn doesn't like the energy in here and promptly excuses herself. 

Shawn wonders if he's on Candid Camera.

Anyway. 

The group invited to the date show up on Broadway, 

where Disney, owner of ABC and The Bachelorette, is producing Aladdin. 

 Kaitlyn and one lucky suitor will be "performing" in tonight's presentation.

But first they have to audition. 

So they train with Dance Captain Michael Mindlin, 

and I would like to know what I need to do or change in my life to be referred to as Dance Captain. 

Most of these bros look like muppets in the hands of inexperienced puppeteers. 

But Cupcake is a natural. A Broadway natural. Infer from that what you will. 

I mean...

Come on...

I'm just not sure why this guy is on a show trying to date a woman. 

He already knows all the words to I Can Show You The World because he's sung this song before. In the shower. And in the car.

Cupcake gets the part. 

I just...

How many straight men do you know who stand like that?

Take the chemistry and passion we saw earlier between Thor and JJ, imagine the complete opposite, and you've got this kiss:

Their performance consists of walking on stage, standing for three seconds,

then being escorted offstage. 

Cupcake gets a rose for stealing the show:

and they kiss on a rooftop next to the New Years Eve ball. Honestly, it's hard to watch.  

Meanwhile, Nick has been walking around Manhattan with a suitcase for days. 

He finally finds the hotel (maybe he was using Apple Maps?)

and enters the room. 

We'll have to wait until next week to find out how the men react. They'll probably greet him with a hug and offer him some tea.

Hey, have you been wondering how Britt and Brady are doing?

Me neither.

But here they are. Dressed in matching outfits.

Make it stop.