Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 3: Villains Gotta Vill

First, before we relive the magnificent terror that was last night's episode of The Bachelorette, a moment of silence for the sad news from Bachelor Nation this week. To absolutely no one's surprise, these two have called quits on their engagement. If these kids can't make it, who can?

Thanks to OK! Magazine for this image that I stole
Literally anyone. Any other couple in the world. Charles Manson and his fiancee were engaged longer than Chris and Whitney. 

Anyway. Back to the season at hand.

The house is in chaos after Kupah's shenanigans. The rest of the cocktail party is canceled so it's time for the Rose Ceremony. 

Tony really needs a rose to make it worth his "investment".

His investment being, as he explains, stepping away from his dog and his bonsai tree. All the things he loves in this world. 

"I'm here to make a statement. I see the world through the eyes of a child. I'm here to make the people at home think about what it is they really want," Tony says. I can't speak for the entire audience of people at home, but I for one really want Tony for Bachelor.

Eventually Kaitlyn hands out all the roses but one, and it will go either to Tony, or this guy:

or this guy:

The rose ceremony soundtrack loops about eight times before she finally calls Tony's name.

It's a real bummer for whoever this is:

And Kaitlyn is crying, probably because the producers are making her keep a crazy man in the running. For ratings, obvs.

The next morning the men of the mansion awake to the sound of two extremely large Japanese men banging a gong. 

Chris Harrison, wearing his best priestly shirt, introduces Beyabo and Yama. My apologies to the entire nation of Japan for my spelling of those two names.

Beyabo is a world champion sumo wrestler, and Yama is 600 pounds, making him the heaviest Japanese human being ever. Watch out, I'm coming for your title, Yama!

Chris explains that the group date will be sumo wrestling. 

JJ really wants to be a part of it. 

He explains, "I want to be on this group date. I really love Japanese culture. I love sushi..." end of list.

Yama reads the names of the men to be included on the date. JJ is one of them.

Tony is as well.

The group gets to wear the traditional sumo garb, as displayed on the table,

and I'm wondering who is eating all those tomatoes and yams in the background? Is someone making a tomato yam salad for a potluck or something? I'm going to get really real with you right now and tell you that a tomato yam salad just doesn't sound great. Like it would take a lot of seasoning to make that work. A tomato basil salad? Sure. Tomato cucumber? I'm right there with you. Tomato yam though? I'm sorry, I'm just not seeing it. But hey. I've been wrong before. 

The men get dressed, toss their robes, and reveal their assets for Kaitlyn and Yama and Beyabo and you and me.

Yama displays some intimidating warm up exercises before inviting his first competitor into the ring.

They don't last long. 

None of them do. Because you can't really beat a 600 pound sumo champion on your first attempt. The men know this. Well, all the men but Tony know this.

"Typically, I'm a pretty peaceful, balanced guy, but I don't think these guys know who they're [messing] with. I would be absolutely ***** terrified if I were that other guy right now," Tony warns. 

To be fair, Tony does put up a pretty good fight, but again, these guys are trained, gigantic professionals, so Tony eventually loses. And then he reacts the way most of us react when we lose a board game at age 9. 

Tony storms away and ignores Kaitlyn who is trying to talk to him. He does eventually turn around and wax tony-etic as only Tony can. 

"I would have much rather go on something peaceful and loving, because that's who I am, he says." 

"I'm here for you, Kaitlyn. I really am. And I want to be here. I want to show you the multiple sides of me," he adds, and then the cameraman shows us one of those multiple sides.  

"I view the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy. I want you to see all those many sides of me. But can we not just do something fun? I mean how come it always has to be around aggression?" 

Sometimes this blog just writes itself. Thanks for making this unpaid job easy, Tony.

"Am I the only one who sees that there are many other ways to connect? To have fun? Can we not take a boat ride? Or go skydiving?," Tony pleads.

Soon JJ smells trouble in the air.   

He decides to walk over and ruffle some feathers because, as you might recall, JJ is a stupid turd.

Tony tells JJ to get lost.

JJ drinks his 9am beer in defeat.

Eventually Tony sequesters himself to the roof for some thinking. 

Katilyn finds Tony and he launches into another nonsensical monologue. "I really am here for the right reasons, Kaitlyn. I have worked very hard in my...in my...advancement. Emotionally. And spiritually. And physically. And I can't find happiness by reverting back to my primal instincts."

Namaste, Tonester
"I have a lot to offer. And I just want the opportunity to show that. I'm here. And I still want to be here. But I want you to see the real me. The man that I am and the man that I'm capable of...being. And the strength that I truly have."

Then, in a moment of deep meditation, Tony does this: 

Kaitlyn, and the remaining men who aren't pouting shirtless on a balcony, head downtown for a sumo exhibition. 

Everyone in that crowd had to sign a non-disclosure. What a litigious nightmare.
First in the ring is JJ. Kaitlyn has been checking out JJ's derriere all day, according to JJ. It's more likely that she's been trying to determine what JJ was on when he got that shoulder tattoo.

It's even more unfortunate from the back.

Thor (Clint) is the eventual winner.

He's a gracious winner.

"Say Clint's a nightmare!"

Back at The House that Harrison built, Tony is still perched on a ledge, still complaining, still not making a lot of sense.

"Why can't we go to the zoo? You know? Seriously! Can we go to the ***** zoo?! And like, you know, imitate animals? Who makes the best elephant noise?" Actually, I'm with him on that one. I would watch that. 

After the anger wears off, the sadness sets in and Tony decides it's best he leave.

"I am here for love. And I know that she is too. But love can only be real when it's shared. I've done everything that I could possible do. More than any one of these other guys. But I won't do it anymore. I don't want to be a part of this. I'm not a quitter. I'm walking away on my terms."

So Tony picks a weed for Kaitlyn and waits for her to arrive at the date's evening venue so he can say goodbye. 

She shows up, he gives her the dandelion, they hug and part ways amicably. 

We're really going to miss you, Tone-ster.

Though Kaitlyn doesn't need much time to recover and gets busy kissing Cupcake. 

And Sean (Shawn?). 

Sheawn gets the rose because they're meant for each other and this entire season is just a lead up to their forever happiness.

Just get married already.
Thor snubs Kaitlyn by not requesting any alone time and not so much as glancing in her direction.

Thor does this because, well, because Thor has fallen for The Turd.

"I'm coming to the realization that Kaitlyn is probably not the right girl for me. I'm under no false pretenses that this is working out. But there's still some relationships with these guys that I'm really enjoying...JJ in particular. He's got a lot of levels and he is a sweetheart. He's a good dude."

Him? Really?
 The next morning a card arrives at Kaitlyn's door.

And a similar card arrives at Testosterone Towers for Ben Z.

Kaitlyn and Ben Z take a limo ride to a creepy warehouse where Chris Harrison waits for them in the dark. I think we've all had that nightmare.

"You know, relationships take trust. And they take communication. That's going to be put to the test here today. You know even in the best of relationships, sometimes you can feel a little trapped. That will be tested today." 

What follows is a twenty minute advertisement for The Basement: A Live Escape Room Experience. It's a thing, I guess. 

Kaitlyn hears a bird and has a complete conniption. 

Turns out the woman who has not one, but two bird tattoos has a severe avian phobia. 

Once the birds are gone and the freakout has subsided, Ben and Kaitlyn enter The Basement.

It's a bit of a fixer-upper.

There are lights flickering on and off,

limbs hanging from the ceiling,

and someone napping in the bed.

Juan Pablo, is that you?
 An announcement sounds through the room,  "45 minutes until gas is emitted," meaning K and B have 45 minutes to enter the correct password and escape The Basement.

They search the room for clues, 

Follow instructions like "KISS"

and soon another announcement sounds, "5 minutes before gas is emitted."

They battle snakes to get to the final clue.

"1 minute before gas is emitted," another announcement declares. But they're too late. The gas emits and they die. 

Just kidding. They enter "ROSES" as the password (duh), successfully escape The Basement and live to see another day. 

They head back to Kaitlyn's apartment, order a pizza that they never eat, and shoot the breeze.

"Just a reminder, my mom is still dead," Ben says. Essentially.

It never stops working.

They end the night in the Kaitlyn's hot tub, which I hope she gets to keep after the show wraps. 

Ben gets a rose because he battled snakes and has a dead mom.

Back at the Shack of Shame, Cupcake, who appears to have just finished a Brazilian Blowout, reads the next group date card.

The front reads, "Let's learn to love. -Kaitlyn"

Some of these guys are already learnt, it seems. 

The invitees load onto a school bus and get off at a local elementary school where Kaitlyn awaits. 

She explains that the fellas will be teaching a classroom full of kids and sends them to their lockers for lesson plans. 

The men are genuinely mortified, as anyone would be, to learn that the subject matter is sex education. 

Joshua, the industrial welder, is especially hesitant.

 First he calls tampons "tampins,"

Then he says, "I learned everything sexual as a kid by watching our cows." Bless his heart.

The men meet the kids who are equally terrified to discover that this highly untrained and incompetent group of boys will be attempting to explain the birds and the bees. 

Inititally, I have some concerns. 

Namely, are these children's parents aware that they will be learning the ins and outs of a rather delicate topic from a handful of reality television stars? And if so, who are these parents and how has CPS not intervened?

But then Kaitlyn shares her secret.

"What these guys don't know is I'm actually pranking them, and they're being asked questions by a bunch of child actors." 

The weird thing is that she never actually tells the men this is a prank. She lets them believe that their presentations are the actual first time these youths have had "the talk." And she just watches them fumble. 

She watches and laughs as the children ask the horribly awkward questions they've been scripted to ask. 

As you can imagine, most of the dudes struggle.

But not Ben H. Last night every women in America fell in love with Ben H. 

I mean to start, look at him.

He is WEARING that shirt

He explains reproduction like he's explained it a million times before.

He even incorporates Kaitlyn as a prop. 

Later, he takes Kaitlyn to a rooftop, tells her he spends time working in orphanages and that being around kids feels like therapy, 

kisses her,


and all around crushes it.

Obviously, Ben gets the rose. 

But he's not the only one to score. 

Katilyn takes Loveman to her hotel room for some kissing.  

and kissing. 

"Of all the guys, this one is a man," Kaitlyn says.

Him? Really?
Meanwhile, back at the Bro Brothel, there have been some interesting developments between Thor and The Turd.

They eat all their meals together,

spend all their time together,

and serenade each other.

Here they are, in a hot tub, discussing reptiles:

Thor: "I was obsessed with turtles forever. I'm a turtle guy."
Turd: "Turtles are awesome. They're the coolest. I love turtles."

"I feel like I've connected with JJ probably more than I've connected with Kaitlyn right now" Thor says. 

Him? Really?
"I never thought that I would meet someone like that here, Thor says. We've grown very close. Almost too close. The possibility of coming onto The Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind. But I believe in the process and at this point I'm a success story."

So now Thor has a bit of a situation. It's kind of taboo to stay on The Bachelorette if you aren't actually into the bachelorette. But Thor wants to be with The Turd, therefore, Thor needs a rose.

It is for this reason that Thor is the first to zero in on Kaitlyn, apologize for his previous behavior, and kiss her the kiss of a thousand lies.

"I was wearing my power socks, so I felt like I had the power and I just had to abuse it."

 It should be mentioned that JJ doesn't really understand what is going on. When Thor looks at him lovingly and says, "It's funny, how kind of cute you are and how beautiful your jawline is,"

JJ just doesn't get it. 

He is, after all, a stupid turd. 

JJ believes he and Thor are nothing more than allies in the War of Roses. No, not that War of Roses. This War of Roses. 

The other men feel like Kaitlyn should maybe know about the antics of Thor and The Turd, and do not hesitate to share intel. 

JJ, who remember has no idea that he is currently in a gay relationship, is not okay with the gossip.

"Now we're dealing with tattle tale little b****** because the crew of irrelevant characters in the house is tense and really really nervous. Honestly, they're just lemmings. And one by one they walk right off the cliff [long pause] Because I'm chasing them."

Mic drop. 

Thor, dressed as an extra from Interview with a Vampire, strolls the mansion looking villainous,

Until Kaitlyn comes to find him for a little chat. 

My guess is it's not going to end well.

But we'll have to wait until next week to find out. 

Until then, if you can't get enough Bachelorette recaps, and honestly, who can? There are some hilarious writers who are fighting the good fight alongside me:
David Jacoby at Grantland writes Lowbrow Highlights, and I actually avoid reading his recaps during the season so I don't inadvertently steal his jokes. Because they're good. Real good.
The Fug Girls' recap of last season's finale is one of the best pieces of literature I've ever 
Andrea at Andrea LeBeau does what I do, just more concisely, you know, if you don't have four hours to read one blog post.
And you can read the entire Bachelorette experience in the words of the woman herself on Kaitlyn's blog

Also, All on TV is now on Instagram



  1. This is probably my favorite episode recap ever :) I laughed so hard!!

  2. Oh man!! Thanks for providing a hilarious teaser until I can make it to the weekend.