The Bachelorette Week 1: I Put Bad Guys Away

Welcome to this season of The Bachelorette. It's like The Bachelor but with less dresses and more muscles.

Our Attorney Bachelorette, Andi has an actual job, unlike the "fitness models" and "professional organizers" of Bachelorettes yore.

That's probably not even the actual courthouse.

Well, she had a job. 

The first person to ever smile while putting office belongings in one of those "You're Fired!" boxes

But she left it all behind to find love. And get a new car and huge apartment and massive wardrobe budget.

She's either pondering love or watching a hawk kill a mouse.

Andi arrives in Los Angeles and acts like a preteen on Instagram. 

Are you seriously in Clare's right now?

Then ditches the selfies for a more mature photo shoot. In front of a wall of encyclopedias. You know. Because she's a lawyer and can read and stuff.

They're probably all the same volume.

Because ABC thinks none of us have anything better to do with our lives, the powers at be make us sit through history's dullest conversation between Andi and her sister.

"I'm going to kiss guys on national television," Andi says, as though she's never done that before. Come on, honey. We know this isn't your first rodeo. It's only been six weeks since we saw you last.

Then Andi models some dresses and gets loads of validation from her sister, and time stands still as the two debate which gown option would make the best first impression.

Three hours later, Andi arrives at the mansion and prepares herself to greet the suitors who come with soundbites and gimmicks in hopes of winning the First Impression Rose.

Soon the first limo pulls up, and out steps Marcus.

Soundbite: "I have a lot to give and offer"

Chances: Good. Merely because as he walks away, Andi declares, "He is hott" with a lot of emphasis on that final t.

Next, Chris the farmer.

Soundbite: "You are the reason that I'm here"
Chances: Okay. When it comes right down to it, I doubt Andi wants to trade in bedazzled evening wear for herding pigs in Iowa.

JJ, the Pantsapreneur. Pantsapreneur. Who let these guys write their own job titles?

Soundbite: "I'm really excited to kick off this love quest with you"
Chances: In spite of saying "love quest," good. Cause, free pants for life!

Marquel, AKA Harrison from Scandal. 

Right?!

Soundbite: "I'm just here to compliment you." 

Chances: Excellent. He's a sharp-dressed, compliment machine which is all any woman really wants. 

Tasos, the Wedding Event Coordinator.

Gimmick: Attaching a padlock to some rod-iron a la Lover's Bridge in Paris.

Chances: Outstanding. She really went for the lock thing.

Cody, the Personal Trainer.

Gimmick: Pretending to push the limo.

Chances: Fine. Stupid entrance, but personal trainer. 

Steven, AKA every boy I loved in middle school.

Soundbite: "I'm stoked to be here"
Chances: Fine. That's quite a face, but I think soon he and Andi are going to run out "stokes" and "rads" to say to one another.

Rudie the Attorney

Soundbite: "May I approach the Bachelorette?"

Gimmick: Some "fun, attorney humor," A Voluntary 4th Waiver clearly constructed by his mother. 

Chances: Bad. Very bad. Yikes. There's a heart in lieu of a dot over the i. 

Carl the Firefighter.

Gimmick: Gifting Andi a miniature globe he purchased in the hotel gift shop.

Chances: Meh. He's not the worst of the crew, but he's not the best either. 

Jason the Urgent Care Physician

Soundbite: "I think you have a fever, because you look pretty hott."

Chances: Terrible. That's the worst thing I've ever heard on television, and I watch Bachelor Pad. Also, unless you're singing MMMBop in 1998, your hair should not look like that.

Nick V. the Software Developer

Soundbite: He didn't get one. He hardly got a word in while Andi gushed about his polkadot tie.
Chances: Terrific, so long as Andi continues to be shockingly enamored with polkadots.

Dylan the Accountant

Soundbite: "Give me some space."

Chances: 30 seconds into the relationship and he's already making her feel needy. It's never going to work.

Patrick the Advertising Executive

Soundbite: "I'm nothing like the last guy you knew who played soccer."
Chances: Poor. Why bring up the ex, man? We're all trying to forget him.

Emil the Helicopter Pilot

Soundbite: "Anal with an M"

Chances: Poor. See above.

Brett the Hairstylist

Gimmick: Presenting Andi with a lamp he stole from the hotel.

Chances: Hard to say. On the one hand, Andi seemed overly concerned with returning the lamp to the hotel. On the other, think of the money she could save on hair care.

Craig the Tax Accountant

Gimmick: Popping a bottle of champagne.

Chances: I give him two rose ceremonies. He just looks like a two rose ceremony kind of guy.

Ron the Beverage Sales Manager

Gimmick: None

Soundbite: None

Chances: Indeterminable at this early stage.

Bradley- Opera Singer

Soundbite: "I'd love to serenade you later"
Chances: He needs to at least make it to a date in a country with a large plaza where his voice can meet the acoustics it deserves for a national television performance, so let's go with good.

Josh the Telecommunication Marketer

Gimmick: None

Soundbite: None

Chances: No gimmick? No soundbite? You can't not do your homework. Josh is a goner.

Nick S. the Pro-Golfer

Gimmick: Arriving in a golf cart

Chances: Fair. Yeah, he's obnoxious, but at least he's not on the verge of puking with nerves like most of the rest of them.

Brian the Basketball Coach

Gimmick: Asking Andi to straighten his tie.

Chances: Note the elbow grab. Smoothe, Brian. You'll live to see another week.

Andrew the Social Media Marketer, AKA the worst kind of Facebook friend.

Soundbite/Gimmick: Honestly, things really started to drag at this point and I may have fallen asleep.

Chances: Judging by that smirk alone, this guy's going to be good for some pot-stirring and will therefore make it to the final five.

Mike, the Utahn! AKA the ski lift operator of your dreams.

Gimmick: Acting like he's not meeting Andi for the first time on Reality TV.

Chances: I hope his actual real life introductions go better than that. Cause ROUGH. Poor guy.

Eric the Explorer

Okay. So. Here's the thing. As announced in the news a while ago and at the beginning of this week's episode, Eric passed away in a tragic accident shortly after filming. It's difficult to tell if the producers changed editing for the sake of memorializing the deceased, or if Eric really was, far and away, the most promising contestant at this point. Because he really seems to be the complete package, charming smile and all.

Regardless, it's unnerving and very sad to watch him blush, laugh and smile, knowing that he's gone. It will be interesting to see how the rest of his time on this season will be portrayed, but I can already tell that he was a remarkable human who is greatly missed.

Finally, Josh M. the Former Baseball Player

Soundbite: "We're neighbors already."
Chances: Really good. Andi is gaga in seconds.

After the introductions, the rest of the night plays out like some sort of circus from Hell.

Highlights include Marquel offering a lesson in race relations with a black and white cookie:

"Look to the cookie," he advises.

The Pantsapeneur showing off his creations:

Nick provides golf lessons in the driveway:

                                   

Josh feeds Andi a quick meal:

                          

This guy whose name I can't remember performs a musical number:

Andrew and Patrick fall in love over talk of race cars

These two are going to be very happy together

And an uninvited guest shows up. 

Chris, from Emily's season and Bachelor Pad, has obviously hit rock bottom. Why else would he camp out for SEVEN DAYS, hoping to catch filming, begging to meet Andi and vie for her heart? And what kind of job would let him disappear for a week? No job. He's unemployed, worn out his ride on the Bachelor Train, and grasping onto the caboose in complete desperation. 

He even brought a bouquet of roses.

Chris Harrison, after speaking with Andi, bears some bad news. Chris not Harrison, begs for entrance.

To no avail. The train has reached the station, buddy. So has this metaphor.

Back where people are happy and not one crazy letter away from a restraining order, Andi gives the First Impression Rose to polka-dot tie. He's just as surprised as everyone else.

And then, omygoshfinally, seriouslywasthateighthours?, the Rose Ceremony. It's a lot of men and a lot of names, and the dramatic track loops a few times before, at long freaking last, the final rose is handed out.

Those left rose-less are Amel, Mike, Rudie, Jason, and Josh B. Amel and Mike retain their dignity and depart without commentary.

Rudie doesn't fare as well and shares, "Everyone in my life was like, Oh my gosh, you guys are going to get married and have kids." Poor guy thought they were serious.

Jason, who hopefully will reconsider his comedic material moving forward, says, "I'm not going back to a whole lot." It's a real bummer.

And Josh really does not take it well. "Let's embaraass the **** out of myself for one night, and do absolutely nothing to accomplish nothing...," he says.

"This is stupid," he concludes.

Cheers to that, Josh B.

Here's to 11 more weeks of Stupid.