Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 6: A Desired Woman


Ian continues telling Kaitlyn that she's vapid and just a little too eager around the menfolk.

"Do you not think you're being super rude and offensive?," asks Kaitlyn,

and Ian is #sorrynotsorry

So he leaves.

But not without making this impassioned speech in the car:

"Kaitlyn is shallow. I just don't think she's nearly as complex as I am. I'm too deep a thinker, I'm too self aware, I'm very different than every single person that is here."

"I went to Princeton...and that's what I have to offer. I'm an interesting guy...I'm not lame like the other guys."

"I'm way glad to be out of there. I've missed having conversations with people about life rather than about sex. I'm tired of talking about farts and peoples' bowel movements. I'm being punished for being an intellectual. They don't teach cheesy movie quotes at Princeton."

"Seeing how badly Kaitlyn's been at The Bachelorette, I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor. I feel like I am destined to be The Bachelor and destined to find love on this show. I feel like if I became The Bachelor, they would come out of the word works, man. They'd be like, oh ****, I want to date that guy. He's so deep." 

"Oh man. I need to have some sex."

Did he get Proust to write that for him? It was so deep I could barely comprehend his statement.

It's hard to deconstruct so much depth, but I have a couple notes:

1. Ending the monologue wherein you've tried to convince the world that you are morally and intellectually superior with "I need to have some sex" is probably not as effective as you might hope.
2. Would Cheesy Movie Quotes not be an appealing major for Princetonians? I would for sure sign up for You Had Me At Hello 101. But maybe that's why your school wouldn't want me.
3. Your alma mater is not what you have to offer. There's really no need to mention it five times in four minutes.
4. I don't think "too self-aware" means what you think it means.
5. Have you watched any season of The Bachelor? Ever?

Kaitlyn is feeling a little wounded and sad, alone on her balcony couch, when who should pop up to say hello,

Mr. Corey Matthews himself. Guys, Nick is GOOD at courting The Bachelorette. Having done this once before, he knows just what to say and when to say it. 

Like, "I'm here for everything that you're here for." That means nothing.

And yet, it works. 

Meanwhile Shawn decides he should maybe go check on his girlfriend.


It's always kind of a bummer when the woman who, twelve hours prior told you she's falling in love with you, is too preoccupied macking another man to notice you just a couple feet away.

Shawn excuses himself. Presumably to keep from murdering another man on television.

But he only has a moment to pull himself together because it's time for the rose ceremony. 

At The Alamo.

"It's a different battle of survival," says Joshua, comparing Texas' fight for independence that led to the death of many men, to this reality television show elimination. 

"There's a reason they call Texas the wild west because things have really gotten out of hand. We had a lot of drama that blew up at the cocktail party, leaving Kaitlyn feeling hurt, feeling like people don't trust her, "  Cupcake says, and the Tourism Board of Texas hands him a hundred dollar bill, probably. 

The ceremony commences and the soundtrack includes some battle-hymn brass. 

Davey Crocket and Jim Bowie are rolling in their graves.

Eventually all names have been called but Justin, Tanner, and Joshua. 

The final rose goes to Tanner. 

At least Justin can go home knowing he always had the mob-bossiest hair.

But Joshua has no such consulation. Partly because his hair still looks like that of a BackStreet Boy trying, unsuccessfully, to record a punk album.

And partly because the jerk producers make him stand right next to the remaining men and Kaitlyn celebrating their next destination.

To Dublin they go. 

They're staying in the grand, historic, truly Irish Raddison. 

Kaitlyn visits the boys and announces that the first one-on-one date starts...right now!

And she's taking Nick!

Shawn just barely manages to avoid having an aneurism. 

"Dude, are you really wearing that?," someone asks, probably in reference to his apple bottom jeans. 

But Nick owns it and Kaitlyn digs it. 

They spend the day touching each other,

enabling Kaitlyn's irrational fear of birds, 

river dancing,

mortifying onlookers,

paying too much for jewelry,

and giving Americans a bad name. 

Come on, guys. There are people around. 

This fellow pub patron cannot take it anymore. 

He'll be taking his whiskey to go, thank you very much. 

It's time to move this inappropriate behavior elsewhere. 

By my count, there are 546,874 lit candles in this single screenshot. What's the production budget for matches? Do they have a hive of wax-making bees on retainer? Is no one concerned by the millions of open flames in an old, historic cathedral?

Nick and Kaitlyn don't even try to talk about daddy issues or five year plans or any of the usual meal-time gabber that's par for the course on this program. 

They just get right to the kissing. 

Lots of kissing.

Quick reminder, guys, you're in a church. 

Maybe try and show a little decorum? No?

"Do you want to go back to my hotel and hang out for a bit?," Kaitlyn asks.

Nick cannot believe his luck. Honestly, neither can I. 

So yesterday one of my children pressed something on our remote and turned on closed captioning on our TV. And since only Stephen Hawking himself would be able to determine how to turn the closed captioning off, I watched this next bit with the closed captioning on.

This was a mistake. 

A big mistake. 

Though I will say that whoever was typing those captions has a promising future in romance novel publication. Their descriptions of the noises coming from the bedroom were...specific.

"Sheets rustling"

The next day morning breaks,

and just in case there's any question regarding what Nick and Kaitlyn were doing in her hotel room, the editors add some footage of birds

and bees.

What do you call a walk of shame if it's the proudest walk of your life? Whatever it is, it's exactly what Nick is doing when he leaves the room. 

Kaitlyn, however, isn't feeling quite so cheery about last night's events. 

"The off-camera time that I had with Nick was unexpected," she says, so I guess "off-camera time" is what the kids are calling it now.

Kaitlyn fears that Nick will share their secret with  the nine other men she's dating.

But Nick stops short of doing just that.

"It was...intimate. It was really...personal," Nick says. 

The other brothers are less than amused. 

And Kaitlyn is falling fast and far into the morning after spiral of regret so many have felt before.

But she has to get over it right quick cause she has a group date in like five minutes. 

The card arrived last night at the Raddison's finest suite

and it read:

"Nine fine men in Dublin she met
To fall in love her heart she let
But what you don't knowses 
There are no more roses
Because here lies our Bachelorette

Fun fact: Chris Harrison actually wrote Angela's Ashes.

The six men invited on the date walk the streets of Dublin 

until they bump into Chris Harrison

who leads them to Kaitlyn. In a coffin. They're having an Irish wake because this stupid show has run out of ideas.

The men have to give toasts in honor of their not-really-departed-lover, because not a week goes by that this woman doesn't demand a performance of some sort. 

Dance, monkey, dance!

Tanner jokes that he can't believe he's still here and rhymes his name with planner.

Cupcake sings to the tune of Danny Boy.

"He's a funny little dude," one of the other men says. Infer from that what you will.

Ben H. describes a death by bird-pecking,

and Shawn jokes that anyone would die after spending the day with Nick.

That toast is especially well-received.

But then Ben Z. harshes everyone's buzz and asks the other guys to leave the room. 

"I just want to remind you...my mom is dead," he says. Essentially.

The funeral ends with some song and dance, 

then the group makes their way to a the Guiness warehouse, because nothing screams romance like the smell of beer.

Ben Z. pulls Kaitlyn aside, 

and says, "Now remember, my mom is dead." Pretty much.

Jared and Kaitlyn "talk"

and Shawn is on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown.

But he still has one move left. So he pulls out the big guns. 

Pictures of dogs 

and babies.

Because women in this modern age need just a few things to survive. Oxygen, photos of small children, photos of fluffy animals, and food. I've personally posted two Instagrams of my offspring just today. And I took a few snaps of my dog. For good measure.

Well played, sir.

But wait...Kaitlyn gives the rose to Jared.

And something in Shawn snaps.

Have you seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? His face here looks a lot like Jack Nicholson's at the end of that movie.

"I looked for that validation and I didn't get it tonight," Shawn says.

You know what else he didn't get? An exclusive performance from The Cranberries.

THE CRANBERRIES. Not one of those run of the mill, flash in the pan, washed up acts we're so used to having to search on google when they appear on this show. THE FREAKING CRANBERRIES. 

They're magnificent.

HEY, YOU TWO. Show some respect. The Cranberries are playing.

Dolores is thinking, "Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let [that kiss] linger?"

See what I did there?
Shawn is catatonic. And mad.

So mad that he excuses himself for the second time this episode to find his producer, the only guy he shares stuff with. 

"You're telling me she would rather have Jared than me? Do you not know what we have? 
She came to my room and we stayed up for like six or seven hours on my bed. We didn't even sleep. I was with her all night. She said, 'you're it.' She said, 'You're the one.'"

Wait, what? When was this? They just cut that out? Do you see what's happening here? Very early on, Kaitlyn pegged Shawn as her favorite, and the powers that be panicked because it was going to be one helluva boring season with the winner determined so early on. So they brought in Nick, the ringer, who at this point is a professional Bachelorette contestant, knowing that he would shake things up. So what we're witnessing now is a sick, psychological experiment. How far can one man be pushed before breaking?

Not much farther. "I'm not going to make it. I can't do this anymore," Shawn says.

"I can't handle it anymore," he says, and knocks on Kaitlyn's door.

Welcome, Shawn, to where the magic happens. And by magic, I mean terrible things.

But Kaitlyn thinks Shawn already knows about her "off-camera time" with Nick. 

She starts to realize that Shawn, the man she's admitted to falling in love with, won't be happy to learn that she's slept with someone else. 

It's a lot to process.

"I can't do this anymore," she says through tears.

So that's it. Show's over. The crew packs up and goes home. JJ calls Clint. Cupcake lands a permanent role in Aladdin as Silent Guy in Corner. Nick auditions for the next season of The Bachelorette. Ben H. gets older. Joe travels the world. Jared shaves. Tanner becomes The Bachelor. Ben Z.'s mom is still dead. Shawn goes home to his dog. He spends some time grieving, but eventually realizes that there are other fish in the sea, and that really, a television show is not the ideal place to fall in love. Then, one day, while picking up milk and dog bones at the grocery store, he meets a beautiful, kind woman, and asks her out. They date for a year, then marry and settle down in the countryside with their three children. Shawn never looks back.

Just kidding. These people have all signed iron-clad contracts and there's no getting out of the six remaining weeks.

So we'll see what happens next week when, if the previews are to be trusted, someone spills the beans and Nick and Kaitlyn are burned at the stake.

Oh, by the way, Britt and Brady are still a thing. 

Which is too bad.

Thanks for reading, sharing, and donating. Remember to follow along on Instagram.  I promise I don't post pictures of my dog or babies. On that account anyway.



  1. Wow. Just wow. I can't believe how demanding the group dates are this season. Also- Nick over Shawn? Are you kidding?! Maybe the producers rufeed her drink

  2. You have a wonderful way with words! I nominate you as the new "poem composer" for the show.