On TV: Juan Pablo Week 5: Even though we're in hell, it feels like we're in heaven

The good news is: Molly isn't going to die of neglect or starvation. The bad news is, well...let's take it from the top.

First, a satellite captures this shot of the Bachelor jet. Did you know you can see countries' names from space?

Kat says of their globe trotting, "We go where [Juan] goes. It's kind of where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" Sure. Except Where in the World is Carmen San Diego was an amazing show that relied on the intelligence of pre-adolescents and their knowledge of geography to solve some truly confounding mysteries. The only mystery so far in El Bachelor is where you ladies are getting all these tanks and scarves:

Scarves, the perfect accessory for oppressive heat.

The date card arrives:

Obviously, Renee is totes stoked about her upcoming date. "He makes my palms hurt," she says.

"Maybe see a doctor about that," says someone off camera, I hope.

Andi is totes bummed that the date card did not read:

"Andi,

Meaningless nonsense, blah blah blah, lame play on words."

-Juan Pablo"

Note: Kelly, Alli and Danielle also have been left one-on-one-dateless, yet Andi is the only member of the Lonely Heart's Club Band that gets any camera time. This show makes no secret of who will soon be sent packing.

Off Renee goes to the streets of Hoi An to meet JP, who places her in a stroller.

The natives are amused by this spectacle:

And I imagine Renee is relieved when they reach their destination even if it is a tailor shop where she is fitted for a dress and touched by strangers while sweating profusely.

Then the two gringos continue their tour of Hoi An, searching for gifts for Ben and Camilla, Renee and Juan Pablo's children, Respectively. So when Renee goes home and says, "Hey Ben, sorry for the abandonment," she can add, "But look, I got you this hat!" and all will be forgiven.

Then it's dinner time.

Just kidding. They do not eat this dog.

They eat whatever this restaurant prepares for them. Which, okay, might be dog, because it happens in Vietnam (I looked it up) but I doubt it.

They talk about Renee's Baby Daddy, and it's on the very boring end of the Baby Daddy Story Spectrum. I'm assuming Cassandra's is on the This is Better than Scandal end, but that little minx is way too tight-lipped about it.

Renee really wants a kiss.

Renee is left wanting.

But she does get a rose and a custom-made dress, so she's fine.

Meanwhile, back at Camp Estrogen, the group date card arrives:

Juan seems to have swiped the tagline from a tampon commercial. How romantic.

When Andi is declared a participant in the next ploygamist outing, she pulls this face:

The face of despair

When Nikki learns she'll be the next one-on-oner, she pulls this face:

The face of triumph

The beginning of the group date teaches us an important lesson. If ever you find yourself living in a home with twenty four other females, all vying for the affection of the same man you hope to marry, do not, under any circumstances, make friends. Eventually there will be a group activity wherein all present will be asked to choose a partner, and if no one likes you, no one will pick you, thereby seating you next to the very man all others desire in a straw boat on a Vietnamese river.

Such is the tale of Clare:

Nothing a man loves more than a social outcast.

The rest of the onlooking women don't have a very enjoyable jungle cruise:

After the boat ride, JP and the ladies ask a random stranger for lunch:

Then infest a family garden.

This is, of course, the perfect time for Jaun Pablo and Andi to have a DTR. "Trust me," Juan Pablo says in an attempt to quiet all of Andi's worries, and Andi listens to the man who five minutes prior swapped spit with Crazy Clare.

The same man who, that evening, shows Clare his private suite, insists that Clare strip to her bikini that she apparently had on underneath her gown, and kisses Clare in his private pool.

The same man, who, at 4 am, agrees to take yet another dip with Clare, who apparently lives in a bikini.

Oh, and he gives Clare the group date rose.

Yeah, just trust him, Andi.

Other stuff happens on the group date but it's not really worth writing down. Some kissing. Some pouting. A lot of jealousy. Pretty standard stuff.

Nikki receives the final date card and it reads, "Let's have a hell of a good time."
Nikki interprets this to mean Dress like Pocahontas.

Hell, as it turns out, is a cave at the bottom of a seemingly bottomless hole, only accessible by repelling. Of course. Nikki is afraid of heights. Of course. They both make metaphors about trust, plunging and love. Of course. They kiss mid-repel. Of course.

They dine in a cave, talk about Nikki's job, and they kiss again. Nikki gets a rose. It's boring.

So. Nikki, Clare, and Renee hold roses and thus hold a place in at least one more episode. The rest of the ladies must prove themselves lovely enough to earn another week.
They decide the most effective way to do this is by arranging themselves as though they were on a Miss Small Town USA parade float, and sail into the rose ceremony on a rickety old boat.

Once the group is on dry land, Juan Pablo gets the party started by announcing that three girls will be sent home.

Don't dance too hard, guys

Juan proceeds to spend time with everyone but Kelly, Danielle and Alli. He kisses Andi. And Sharleen. And finally Renee.

Then he spends the remainder of the cocktail party dealing with (another) Clare meltdown.
Clare has a bit of an overreaction when Juan explains his regret over their early morning ocean swim. Regret that stems from knowing that his daughter will be watching.

It's a legitimate concern. But the thirty minutes Clare crying footage is a bit much:

She blames allergies. No one believes her.

Clare's aren't the final tears of the evening.

There are tears of those sad to say good bye.

Juan:

Alli:

Danielle:

And, sigh, here's the bad news: Kelly:

Kelly NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't go! You're the best thing to ever happen to this show. We need you. Who is going to roll their eyes at Clare if you're gone? Who is going to make snide commentary during cocktail parties? Who is going to brighten our Monday nights?

We're really going to miss you, kid. Please sign up for Bachelor Pad. I'm sure they'll let you bring Molly.

I was going to make a video tribute, but I've already spent way too many hours on this thing today, so do me a favor and pretend these photos are fading in and out to Sarah Mcclaclahn's "I Will Remember You"

"I will remember you.