Tuesday, February 18, 2014

El Bachelor Week 7: I Wish I Was A Little Dumber

This week on The Bachelor, Juan Pablo heads home to Miami with six women in tow.
First thing, Juan makes a surprise visit to his family who are not at all suspicious about a camera crew in their living room.

Meanwhile the ladies check into the LOEWS MIAMI BEACH HOTEL.

The girls find boxes full of bikinis in their room and they do not immediately call the police like they should.

"Roses are red, Violets are blue, I hope you're wearing these, when I murder you" is probably what the note in the box said.

During a heart-to-heart with his cousin, Juan sings Sharleen's praises (get it? She's into opera), and says that she might be the one. This, right after Sharleen tells us that she is not ready for her family to meet El Bachelor. Wah wah.

In an unprecedented move, Juan arrives at the LOEWS MIAMI BEACH HOTEL to deliver the date card in person. 

Sharleen has 10 minutes to get ready to SEA Miami. 2 for hair and makeup, 8 for staring pensively from the roof.

Is she meant to be here? Does he understand her? Does she have a dress that's not so susceptible to wind?

"I feel like we're missing this cerebral connection that I so need," says Sharleen.

It's probably her use of the word "cerebral" that makes the other girls say that Sharleen likes nerdy, intellectual men (read: employable).

Whilst on a yacht, JP and Sharleen get better acquainted and completely ignore some delicious looking snacks.

This show needs 25 beautiful women vying for a man's heart, plus one super hungry woman who goes around taking care of all the uneaten food from dates. I'd be willing to volunteer.

"I'm suprised by how attracted I am to him...I can't stop kissing him....when we kiss all the issues in my head go away," says Sharleen. "He is ridiculously sexy," she adds, and America replies, "Girl, tell me something I don't know."

They dock at an island and get even better acquainted.

 Back on the yacht again after a quick costume change, the two get even even better acquainted.

"Why can't I stop kissing you?" Sharleen asks. "I wish I was a little dumber," she says, a statment that always marks a healthy relationship.

Back at the ol' LOEWS MIAMI BEACH HOTEL, the date card arrives for Nikki and reads, "Nikki, Listen to my heart beat." Nikki's response is "I hope I don't have to dance again.

It's a sentiment I can totally relate to. "I hope we're not iceskating," I hope we're not throwing balls," and "I hope we're not doing anything remotely athletic" are all things I said to my roommates after being asked out by one boy or another in college.

The five other women, however, do not understand, and interpret Nikki's aversion to dancing as "She does not love him. She does not belong here. She's a witch. Burn her."

Baring the teeth of disbelief

Post-date Sharleen and tells Renee she's just not sure, as though one should be absolutely certain that the man you've spent a total of 3 hours around, every minute of which was filmed for a television audience, is the man you want to spend forever with.

Bless her heart.

The next day, Juan takes Nikki to a floral shop. While admiring the flora, he reveals that he will be taking Nikki to Camila's dance recital to meet Camila, his mom his dad, and Camila's mom, aka his ex-lover.

"I'm so excited," says Nikki. "This is a terrible idea," is what she means.

Carla, the exlover, seems to agree when her baby daddy walks in with an entire production team.

At LOEWS MIAMI BEACH HOTEL, the group date card arrives.

And then...TWIST...another card, this one from Chris Harrison, who also has very girly penmanship:

You best bring your A-game gals, cause this date gon' be high stakes. 

During Camila's performance, Carla channels Amy Poehler as Regina George's mother during Jingle Bell Rock:

I realize that's two Mean Girls references in two weeks. I don't blame you if you think I'm running out of material. You may be right.

But the rest of the recital is boringly uneventful. At one point Nikki tells Camila, "You taste like Cheetos," but that's hardly worth a screen shot.

Nikki's evening-wear, however, totally deserves a Command-Shift-4. Girlfriend knows how to dress her body:

The pair picnic in Marlins Park:

But never take a bite, of food anyway...

Later, at the LOEWS MIAMI BEACH HOTEL, Sharleen tells the girls "I am going to be leaving tonight," and they all pull their best impersonation of a sad face:

Juan doesn't take it as well.

But don't worry. He recovers in time for the group date.

Chelsie pulls him aside to share letters from her mother. He acts as interested as the average citizen sitting through a slide show of a neighbor's grandchildren. Chelsie is obviously the next to leave.

Andi wears a sexy moo moo and has another bout of freak out.

JP calms her nerves:

Clare and Juan have a Sad Dad Talk, wherein Clare reveals the existence of the DVD her father made for Clare's future husband. It also comes up that Clare has five sisters and it begs the question, were six DVDs created, or was Clare the favorite? And if it's the latter, are we going to witness some juicy rivalry during the hometown? Fingers crossed.

Andi gets the rose, ensuring a hometown date AND a special one-on-one that very evening:

Clare is not okay with this.

"Let's BEEP this BEEP up and go home!" she says to Renee and Chelsie, who react thusly:

Andi and Juan's date includes some dancing:

And isn't half as interesting as what goes down at the LOEWS MIAMI BEACH HOTEL.

Ladies and Gentlemen, our first cat fight of the season:

Clare does not like Nikki. When arriving back at the LOEWS MIAMI BEACH HOTEL where Nikki awaits, Clare says, "I wanna hang out with Nikki like I wanna get stung by a jelly fish." When Clare starts to insinuate that Andi needed validation and therefore got the rose, Nikki storms upstairs. Clare quickly follows and asks, "What just happened?". Nikki explains, then the two launch into the slowest, worst argument in television history. It includes arguing over who paid for the hotel room, some swearing:

and an "I don't like you." It's a step away from "I know you are, but what am I?" and I find myself really missing Tierra and her rogue eyebrow. That girl could throw a punch.

The tension carries over to the cocktail party where it's Team Nikki v. Team Clare

Team Nikki:

Team Clare:

Nikki also calls Clare "Crazy Clare," so I'm Team Nikki.

There's a stand off of about thirty seconds. Clare, Nikki and the camera guy sit in silence:

Supes awks. They don't even have smart phones to look at. There are actual crickets in the background. It's quality television.

Then, the Rose Ceremony.

To no one's surprise, we bid farewell to Chelsie:

There's some limo cam crying:

And some Juan Pablo crying:

All in all it's a pretty standard week of El Bachelor. BUT DID YOU SEE THE PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK? To celebrate the return of viewers who they've lost to the olympics for a while, ABC is pulling a double whammy with a two night Bachelor Event. The clips promise not to disappoint. Two different families disapprove of their daughter's soon-maybe-engagement. Andi hates her night in the Fantasy Suite. Renee cries. Nikki cries. Andi cries. Clare cries. I can. Not. Wait.

See you then.


  1. Ah haha! I can't wait for next week either. Also, during the scene-of-silence I had the very same thought...like that was definitely the type of situation where my smart-phone would have been whipped out post haste. Poor girls.

    PS Nikki reminds me so much of an old roommate I had, and I really don't like her at all (meaning Nikki, not the roommate). They remind me of each other so much in fact that I now find myself having bad feelings toward my friend. Haha.

  2. I'm so excited to not have to hear the word "inorganic" from Sharleeeeen any more.

  3. Literally laughed out loud several times reading this! Your blog posts are the best!