El Bachelor Week 6: Bolting

"New Zealand is the perfect place to fall in love," says Juan Pablo as he and the girls fly via cartoon plane to their next destination.

So take note love-seekers, LA, South Korea, Vietnam, and New Zealand are all the perfect place to fall in love, according to El Bachelor.

"I never imagined in my entire life I would be in New Zealand," says Cassandra, whose entire life consists of 21 years.

Soon the date card arrives, and so it seems, does Andi's time in the spotlight.

As Andi prepares for her day, Renee and Cassandra have a fireside chat. They lament being away from their sons, the ones they voluntarily left to compete in a television game show.

"For so long, I was okay not dating," says, Cassandra, who again, is 21 years old. So long? Like between the ages of 17 and 18?

Juan Pablo and Andi start their date with a chilly boat ride.

And continue with an even chillier swim to what the New Zealand locals call "The Squeeze."

It is during this harrowing journey that Andi starts spewing poetry:
"It feels good to be taken care of. There's something telling me that if I can just let my guard down and trust Juan Pablo, something really amazing could happen."
That something telling her things is the producers mic. Good thing she listens because eventually she and Juan reach a steamy waterfall.

After some tonsil hockey, Walt Whitman, I mean Andi, declares, "The trust between Juan Pablo and I is growing stronger the further and further we go into this scary, kind of unknown territory. It's kind of like The Squeeze and I never know what's around that next corner."
Nobody does metaphors like the women of The Bachelor.
The same can be said for waterfall kissing, I suppose.

Before the date's evening segment Juan says, "I think dinner is going to blow her mind." This is either psychic foreshadowing or an interview that takes place after a geyser explodes over Andi and JP's meal.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel that obviously paid millions of dollars to be featured this week,

the group date card arrives.

Everyone but Clare is listed as a concubine, meaning Clare gets next one-on-one date. Her reaction is unbearable.

The frightening old and decrepit Cassandra tries to hide her disappointment. 

Geyser-side, J-Pab and Andi discuss the purpose of life.

"If I didn't have nice things, if I didn't have a job, I would be okay just having love," lies Andi. She gets the rose and then she says, "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser, because our chemistry is bursting through as well." Listen. I get it. Irony is a tough one to understand. I think it's safe to say that a large chunk of the human population could not define it. But erupting earth as a symbol of one's infatuation is not even close to ironic.

The group date happens to land on Cassandra's twenty second birthday.

To celebrate she watches from a distance while Juan blows grass whistles with Chelsie.

Then the whole gang decides to roll down a grassy knoll in gigantic golf balls. It has to be murder on Cassandra's frail, old, aching bones.

Nikki hurls herself on top of Juan mid-roll, then boasts about their lip-locking which apparently happened twice.

Later, once everyone has dried off and had a costume change, they visit Peter Jacksonville.

Seriously, how much did the Tourism Board of New Zealand pay for this episode?

The shire is known for romance, right?

Frodo always had a way with the ladies, If I remember correctly, which I don't because I never read the books.

Juan wastes no time having deep and intimate conversations with Renee:

and Nikki:

and Sharleen:

While Juan is "connecting" with these girls one at a time, someone hands Cassandra a lit candle from the table in lieu of a birthday cake for her to wish upon. Real thoughtful, ladies.

The Pabster gives Sharleen the rose and she tries her best to look excited.

Then Juan-slice pulls Cassandra aside and lists her qualities. Is a woman ever given so many compliments as when she's getting dumped?

"I don't want to let you go, but I need to let you go because I know that Tray misses you," J-dawg explains, rationalizing his cruelty. Dude could have at least waited until the day after her birthday.

Because we're at that point in the season where things are totally for reals, we get to enjoy the limo cam again. This time it's a Range Rover cam, but you know, tomato tomahto.

"I want love so bad. I feel like I've been waiting so long. It's been a while since I've seen all of those things in someone," you know, because she's so old.

JaPa makes the long, sad walk back to the Baggins' residence.

The girls and this sleeping cat are shocked to see Cassandra go, but they support Juan Pablo's decision.

The next day Juan and Clare clear up that silly misunderstanding from last week. In an attempt to save same ABC Family Programming face, they both declare that nothing inappropriate beyond an early morning ocean swim occurred. Uh huh.

J-Hizzle outlines the Single Dad boundaries which are: No kissing in front of Camila, no hand holding in front of Camila, and no spending the night in front of Camila. It's a little confusing, because while those are pretty reasonable guidelines, he's kissed nearly every woman and definitely held everyone's hand so far this season, so I think we need to read between the lines and assume that he's really focusing in on that last one, the rule he and Clare probably violated. And yes, Clare makes me want to pull my toenails out one by one, but she does seem to be shouldering an unfair amount of the blame here, and as El Bachelor, Juan should know that it takes two to tango. Si?

Anyway, they both apologize and we the viewers are more confused than ever. The point is, they make up.

Then they head to The LAKE TAUPO HILTON:

And eat dinner off of one plate. ONE PLATE. Cheap much, Juan?

I don't know what it is about Clare. She has done nothing to me. She's done nothing to any of the girls on the show. And yet, I want to throw large, blunt objects and the television anytime she appears on screen.

Maybe it's the exaggerated movements she makes with her head when she speaks. Maybe it's because she's always looking at the camera. Maybe it's this thing she does with her teeth:

My hatred for her is not fair. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and I want her to be doing a crying, limo cam interview real soon.

Because Clare claims that she prefers casual over fancy, Juan calls her bluff and insists she don a pair of sweatpants.

This is at least realistic. The whole point of dating is to find someone you can wear pajamas around. Marital bliss actually means oversized T-shirts and flannel.

Meanwhile, this is hanging on the wall:

There's a rose on the wrist. This show is so deep.

Clare gets a rose.

Barf.

The Pab-meister drives to a bungalow full of framed pictures of his wannabe wives.

Soon Chris Harrison shows up. We haven't seen much of Chris this season. I've missed his furrowed brow.

They talk about nothing consequential, and then The Boy Juander makes his way to the cocktail party.

The cocktail party where he spends some quality time with Nikki:

and Renee:

and Chelsie.

Kat decides to pull at the sad childhood heartstrings and launches into a sad story about her drunken father.

You can't make out with sad-dad girl, Kat.

The girls are all nervous frowns during the rose ceremony.

It's a question of who will get the rose between Chelsie and Kat. Chelsie wins.

Kat loses.

Kat's limo statement is as follows: "I saw myself at the end...it's a marathon not a sprint, and I just didn't get up to speed. I think the problem is that my whole life I've been told how great I am and what a catch I am." Yes. We're all very sad for you that so many people think you're great.

Meanwhile, Sharleen is way overthinking this entire process. I'm beginning to think she's never actually seen The Bachelor. She says she feels guilty and that she doesn't want to hurt Juan Pablo. She doesn't think they have a great connection. She'll give it one more week, then she'll probably leave."

Sweetie. It's season like 427 or something and three, maybe four marriages have come out of this franchise. No one has a real connection. Instead they have modeling contracts or a spot on Bachelor Pad. Heck, I just saw Bachelorette Ali in Blue Jasmine. This is reality television, not reality. Relax.