Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Juan Pablo Week 4: Korea?! I don't even have a kimono!

Molly is probably drinking from the pool and pooping in everyone's shoes now that she's left all alone in the mansion while Juan Pablo and the ladies galavant around South Korea.

The show's editors are nice enough to speed up the in-flight map from LA to Seoul. That would be murder to watch in real time.

The girls settle into their HILTON residence and the date card arrives. It looks like this:

And reads like a command. Pop Juan Pablo. How? With a pin? Could we get some clarification here? Where's the female producer who obviously forged Juan's signature here? Can she help us figure this out?

Nikki is not happy to be going on another group date.

Nikki's unhappiness is a major theme this week. At one point she says, "I would love to go on a date with no other people except the person I'm dating." Did no one explain to Nikki how this game works? She knows she's on The Bachelor, right?

En route to wherever it is they're headed, Chelsie says, "We literally have zero concept of where we could be going."

Sigh. While not as egregious as some of the earlier misuses of "literally," this is still wrong. You have some concept of where you're going, Chels. It's within driving distance. It's on the Asian continent.  

Anyway. Turns out they're going to an entertainment studio to meet 21, South Korea's hottest Kpop ensemble. A capri-clad JP and the sister-wives are invited to perform with 21, on stage, that very day! 

Kat, a trained dancer, is thrilled.

Nikki, a dance-aphobic, is not.

Nikki says, "I hope we're performing for the South Korean School of the Blind" which is actually a really solid joke.

Nikki fails to have an attitude adjustment before the huge performance. Look, Nikki, I get it. I felt the same way every time a date told me we were going to play frisbee. But you've got to suck it up, sweetie. It's just what we do.

Nikki should take some comfort in watching Cassandra, who apparently lied about her career as an NBA dancer because she looks like a frozen Gumby. The pants probably don't help.

Then there's Kat. Sure, she could stand to take it down a notch, and wear an actual shirt, but her moves are pretty impressive.

Which, of course does not sit well with Nikki, who starts an anti-Kat smear campaign among the circle of women waiting for Juan Pablo. It should be mentioned that this is during Kat's conversation with JP wherein she shares her sad dad story thereby earning major vulnerability points.

I like how Danielle is looking directly at the camera as if to say, "Help me, somebody."

Back at the HILTON the next date card arrives for Sharleen:

SEOUL MATE. Hahahaha. Get it? What a clever play on words! This show is so smart.

Anyway, back to to the war  group date. Nikki gets the rose.

and Kat pulls this face.

Pre-Sharleen date, we get a tasty glimpse of Juan in the shower, cause why not.

Juan says of Sharleen, "She's my favorite one right now" so of course he makes her wear this:

And he wears this:

They try some food:

And she sings a song.

Then because the date has been all too normal and people might change the channel, JP asks about children. Specifically, how many Sharleen hopes to have. Sharleen is nervous to tell him that the answer is zero, but ultimately CsTR and tells the truth. Juan appreciates her honesty. She gets a rose.

The second group date starts with some Karaoke in the bedroom of the girl that crawls out of the well in The Ring. 

Ask Renee. 

Then, because we all miss Fear Factor so much, the group is forced to put their feet in a pool of flesh-eating fish. 

Renee is overwhelmed by the romance.

Clare makes a big to-do about eating half a bite of octopus, because, you know, CLARE IS THE WORST.

Kelly agrees with me.

Let's take a minute here to appreciate Kelly. I freaking love Kelly. 

I love how she always looks like she has a delicious, snarky remark waiting to tumble from her mouth. I love how often she rolls her eyes. I love that she brought a dog with her to a reality dating competition. It will be a real shame when Juan Pablo realizes he's never actually had a conversation with her and he might as well just send her home. 

But the REAL real shame, is this:

Right after JP shatters Lauren's hear into a million pieces by refusing to kiss her,

He goes and plants one on Crazy Clare who says that eating 1 centimeter of octopus made her throw up in her mouth. Nothing like a good vomit story to set the mood.

Now I'm throwing up in my mouth.

There's a Nikki Clare Face-off, because ratings:

Oh Kelly. Never change.

And then a Rose Ceremony set to Samurai warrior music, because Asia.

Elise and Lauren are left roseless.

Elise uses her goodbye camera time to call the remaining women "ugly on the inside"

That's going to come up during Girls Tell All

And Lauren blames herself.

The rest of us blame Clare.

Now will someone please go check on Molly? I'm sure she needs a kibble refill by now.

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