Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Juan Pablo Week 2: You Taste Like Snow

This week's El BacheLOR wastes no time jumping into date number one with Crazy Clare.

Clare, who isn't Crazy Train Victoria crazy (we'll get to that), just Says A Lot of Whack-a-doodle Nonsense crazy, willingly agrees to being blindfolded and driven to an unknown location. Of this horrifying first date scenario she says "I can't see anything, and all I can do is sit there and smell him." Whack.

The big surprise destination? A winter wonderland in LA. The orchestral sound-track swells and the camera frame widens to reveal what looks like the yard of your neighbor who always goes way overboard at Christmas. 

"This is unreal," says Clare with wide-eyed wonder. A statement that is, on a factual level, correct since they are in California and the snow is obviously manufactured. 

After the worst product placement shot ever, 

Juan and Crazy Clare canoodle in the hot tub and talk about Clare's dad. And then make out. Clare tells JP, "You taste like snow," and even after hearing that Juan still gives her a rose. Then of course they frolic off to their own personal concert by a musician no one has ever heard of and slow dance in their bathing suits. Clare says, "I can only hope that tonight is literally the tip of the iceberg for the rest of this journey." I don't think Clare knows the definition of "literally."

Meanwhile back at the mansion, Lucy Goosey forgot to pack bikini tops:

And Kat gets the date card. 

While sitting on their private jet, Kat day dreams of possible destinations. "Maybe we're going to Miami. Beautiful weather, beautiful beaches. Maybe we're going to New York City where it's romantic." Poor Kat. Juan Pablo hands her some neon running shorts and it becomes very clear that they are going to neither Miami nor New York.

No, these suckers are headed to SLC. HOOOLLLLLAAAAA! Is it just me or have we seen a lot of Utah in these last few seasons? The ratings probably indicate that no one loves The Bachelor like Mormon girls love The Bachelor, so why not visit the adoring masses?

After the second worst product placement shot ever,

TP! Represent!

Juan Pablo and Kat start the Electric Run 5k. I should mention that last night my instagram feed exploded with pictures of friends who were at this event. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. It looked like a genuinely fun time. 

But a really terrible date. A race? On a date? Have you smelled someone who has just finished a 5k?  Kat, however, is a good sport about the whole thing, dances in front of what I'm assuming is thousands of people, and proves herself to be a worthy contender for the Neil Lane diamond ring. Kat gets a rose. A monkey watches while they embrace.

Look to the right.

Then the group date. OMG the group date. It's a photo shoot. It's always a photo shoot. But this time it's a photo shoot with dogs. For charity. 

And because The Bachelor world is riddled with injustices, some girls get to dress like this:

And others have to dress like this:

But no one is so unlucky as Andi, who is handed only a sign for wardrobe. Because Andi is a district attorney with a professional reputation and a fair amount of self-respect, she has serious dilemmas about posing nude. But all it takes is a few reassuring words from Juan Pablo, who will also be in the buff,  and Andi is naked as a Jay-bird. 

So this week's Bachelor Morality Lesson: Young women of America- if a good looking guy says he's going to get naked with you, it's totally okay to take your clothes off. Their justification? It's for charity. Right. Because no one is going to adopt a dog unless there is picture of a naked woman involved.

They end the borderline pornographic day with a roof top pool party.  It's takes Victoria four minutes to get plastered. 

She seems to have confused this show for VH1 programming. Come on, Victoria! This is The Bachelor! We keep it classy! Even if it means convincing young lawyers to strip.
Victoria has a melt down and claims she deserves a rose for giving Juan Pablo the Heimlich Maneuver (it was actually mouth-to-mouth). Victoria is sent home.

Dog Lover gets the group date rose. Because, well, she deserves it.

I forgot her name.

At the cocktail party Juan Pablo makes a baller move and insists on talking to the girls who didn't get to go on a date. Amy tries to land a job with Good Morning America by faking an interview with a pretend microphone. 

It's pretty bad.

Cassandra questions whether or not she should stay because she misses her son, thereby ensuring that Juan Pablo keeps her another week. Smart girl.  She gets the first Rose Ceremony rose.

Amy and Chantel are not so lucky. They both thought Juan Pablo was the one. They both gave up SO MUCH to be here. They both cry.

Then Molly wears some sunglasses.

See you next week, Molly!

1 comment:

  1. I have to add this, because it was just so perfect. Victoria kept calling it the Hymen maneuver...