Juan Pablo Week 1: Don't be nervous, be sure

I did not watch "Count Down to Juan Pablo," guys. Four hours of Bachelor is too much Bachelor, even for me. It's possible that I missed some major plot points and character development, and it's possible that I'll win this year's Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, but neither are likely. So let's just pick up from last night, okay?

Okay great. 

The season's introduction to Juan Pablo looked a lot like this:

And this:

And this:

Juan Pablo, single dad soccer stud who calls himself "El BacheLOR" has nice abs. A complete departure from past bachelors. PSYCH. Actually in terms of physicality, it's very much more of the same. What does set JP apart from so many Seans, Brads and Jakes before, is his complete likability and seemingly genuine goofiness. 

I'm not really sure what to do with a Bachelor whom I actually respect and admire as a human.  It could be a rough twelve weeks.

Speaking of rough, let's meet the girls!

There's your standard girl hiding in the sunflowers, girl running on the beach in a bikini and girl gang prosecutor:

The first ever attractive lawyer according to Bachelor producers, if the time spent showing her in the courtroom is any indication.

Or if this guy's face is any indication.

Then there's the massage therepaist/Zooey Deschannel spirit animal who did this to the camera:

We meet a pediatric nurse, a woman from Oklahoma who has given up on love age 25, and
a self-declared pretty girl who is unafraid of scratching eyeballs:

And finally the heart-wrenching shoe-ins, the girl with nine disabled siblings who runs a nursing home, and the girl with a DVD for her future husband from her dead father. Fifty bucks says we see that DVD in the next few weeks. 

Why some chicks get special at-home introductions and others only get a limo exit will forever be a mystery to me. I really feel for the limo-exit only girls who have about four seconds to pull off a Miss America caliber talent presentation or pray really hard that their cleavage is resplendent enough to stick in the bachelor's memory until the rose ceremony. Some of the night's more awkward encounters include the former NBA dancer who stood in silence for a few seconds, a handful of girls who presented gifts for JP's daughter Camila, the barefoot"Free Spirit" who didn't want to look too tall, the composer who struggled to push and play her piano at the same time, and the hairstylist with a fake pregnant belly:

Oh, Sweetie. WHY?!

Someone listed "Dog Lover" as her occupation and brought her dog Molly. Cause why not?

Does she have food? Water? Where will it go to the bathroom? Where will it stay when they travel the world? Where will it sleep at night? Are any of the other girls allergic? Did anyone think this through?

The cocktail party goes just about as expected. The girl who has an emotional breakdown can't believe she's the girl having an emotional breakdown. Zooey Deschanel's twin gives what Juan Pablo describes to be a very awkward massage. Barefoot girl wastes no time putting her filthy feet on his lap and whispering "Don't be nervous, be sure," and we're all like, Thanks, Confuscius. 

The first impression rose goes to the opera singer who is kind of just not that into Juan. If it were any other bachelor I would laugh maniacally, but because it's JP with his big, innocent eyes and his warm, goofy smile, I feel genuinely sorry that the woman he seems to favor most can't even bring herself to fake excitement.

The Rose Ceremony is one for the history books. Poor Kylie. She thought JP said her name, when really he said "Kat." 

And then, bless her heart, she sits through 20 million other names, never actually hearing Juan say "Kylie."

So it's good bye, Kylie. And goodbye Zooey (actual name unkown), and goodbye emotional breakdown girl. All three girls swear they were meant to live happily ever after with the latin lover who can now never be theirs. 

3 down, 24 to go.

Personally, I'm rooting for Molly.