Monday, October 8, 2012

Survivor Philippines: Yes, There is a Swimming Component.

By Lorraine Jackson

Let’s do a quick rhyming recap of Episode 2, shall we?

Jonathan found the idol,
hidden right under his nose.
Roxy freaked her teammates out,
when she spoke in gibbering prose.

Lisa had a nervous breakdown,
Child stardom breaks your head.
And Abi spoke the words I crave,
“if you **** with me, you’re dead.”

Kalabaw and Tandang won,
So Matsing must vote again.
They sent home the gibbering Roxy,
I’ll miss her crazy in the den!

Feel caught up? Good. Because Episode three is a barrel of fun.

Episode Three: Enter Peter, the quiet engineering grad of red hooded death. Peter gets right to work making things happen in the Yellow Tribe of Tandang, which includes Childstar Lisa, Lingerie RC, Brazilian Abi, Medivac Michael, and the TBD Artis. Peter layed low, and pretty soon, he is going to be orchestrating making people cry, and saving the childstar. IAMSOEXCITED.

Reward/Immunity Challenge:
I like some people on the loserliest of loser teams, Matsing. But I LOVE to watch them lose. Survivor so beautifully separates true athleticism from fake athleticism, and watching skinny runner Angie and tough man Russell flail in the water like two cats with one leg between them is the best kind of entertainment. 41 year-old Denise the Dolphin is the team’s saving grace, and my personal hero. I want to look like that when I’m 41.

Even knowing that Russell and Angie were on the verge of drowning through most of the challenge, I was still shocked when Matsing lost the reward and immunity in another nail-biter. Again. For the third time. Golly, how I love reality TV.

Before we get to tribal council, there is a positively DIVINE scene of Abi bouncing around camp trying to find the immunity idol by digging two inches down in the sand with a tiny bamboo stick on a ¼ mile stretch of beach. It is so priceless it should be GIF’ed. Anyone know how to GIF?

Tribal Council goes about as you would expect after these priceless words from Wise Malcolm:
“it’s just tragic that I’m stuck out here with this goonsquad of a tibe. A girl who couldn’t get a float out from two feet of water. Russell, built like an ox, couldn’t climb a ladder to save his life. And Denise is a rockstar. A little munchkin of muscle.”

If I were there, I would have voted to send home dear sweet Utah local sweetheart Angie just because she seems to genuinely believe that “I would of went again” is a legitimate sentence. And a legitimate defense.

Matsing voted to send home dear sweet Utah local sweetheart Angie because they want to eat tomorrow. And it became painfully clear that a 97 pound blonde 20 year old was not contributing to that cause. Farewell, Utah Favorite.

Tune in again soon to see if Matsing can keep their magnificent losing streak alive!

Lorraine is a University employee by day, trash TV enthusiast at night, and equestrian nutcase all the time. She is wildly outnumbered by dudes in the house she shares with her husband Dan, cat Jeoffrey, and dog Reverend Trask.

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