The Bachelorette Week 9: Full Blown Nakey

If you made it through these two hours without yelling "No! Why?! Idiots!" or storming out of the room, you are a stronger viewer than I.

The whole mess starts with a continuation of Nick and Shawn's chat.

Shawn is all too pleased to be telling Nick exactly what he thinks of him. That he's a mean girl. That he's a b****.

And Nick is all too pleased to be on TV. Again.

Made out with a hotdog?! That was one time!

So really, the exchange is mutually beneficial. 

Shawn excuses himself and takes a walk. 

He and his biceps have a lot to think about.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn has an overnight date with Ben. 

"Ben's just Ben. It's easy and it's nice," Kaitlyn says. Clearly, Ben is toast. Easy and nice do not make good TV. Honestly I'm surprised he's made it this far. He seems too well adjusted. 

Ben and Kaitlyn get acquainted with Archie, the horse with an attitude.

Archie for next Bachelor. 

"Ben is a calming presence. I feel like the horses felt it. I felt it," Kaitlyn says. 

So yeah. He's a goner. No calming presences on reality television. No thank you!

Ben and Kaitlyn make friends with some donkeys

but they're kind of asses. 

Sorry. Couldn't help myself. 

Then they ride to the castle where they'll be dining and "getting to know each other better" in the Fantasy Suite. I'm 100% sure this place is haunted. 

"I feel like there's 200 years of love in this castle," Kaitlyn says. 

I feel like there are poltergeists behind those curtains. 

Kaitlyn and Ben have a serious talk about their age difference. Ben just barely turned 26, lost his first tooth, and learned to tie his own shoes. 

"You're so cute," Kaitlyn says, then kisses him the way I kiss my children. 

Kaitlyn has a note for Ben

but he'll need help sounding out the words. 

Fun fact: Chris Harrison's handwriting changes with every Fantasy Suite invitation. 

"When I'm with Ben it feels good and it feels right," Kaitlyn says. Again, there's no way this guy makes it through the next rose ceremony. 

But that's tomorrow, and this is tonight. So might as well have, as Ben calls it, the "best sleep over ever."

So they choose to forego their individual rooms and spend the night as a couple in the Fantasy Suite. 

"It's a big night with Ben. It's a night without cameras...and lights," Kaitlyn says. 

   

 Yeah. Lights are The Worst.

Maybe she's a vampire? Maybe this screenshot is not fair to include. Maybe I'm #sorrynotsorry

These two get cozy 

and then, 

it's lights out.

Morning breaks.

"I think I got half an hour of sleep," Kaitlyn needlessly informs us. 

She kisses Ben goodbye,

then brushes her teeth and combs her hair before her date with Shawn. 

Kaitlyn has a gift for Shawn. 

 She makes him wear this sartorial atrocity because she hates him, I guess.

But Shawn doesn't seem to care.

"Golf is a lot like love because it's something that you can do until you're old and gray and that's what I'm hoping for in our relationship," he says. Woof.

They play one hole before giving up and moving on to truth or dare. 

Shawn chooses dare and Kaitlyn demands he get naked. 

We all owe Ireland a giant apology for this. We're not all like this. We promise. 

Here Shawn is telling his parents and grandmother to change the channel, 

and I'm telling you to send your small children out of the room before scrolling down. Are they gone? Okay. You can scroll. 

Shawn obliges Kaitlyn, 

willingly. I guess if my torso looked like that I would probably look for any and every opportunity for public exposure.

Kaitlyn grabs Shawn's clothing

and makes a run for it. 

Why am I still watching this program?

That evening the two sit down for a meal and light conversation. 

Four seconds in, Kaitlyn brings up Nick and asks why Shawn hates him as passionately as he does. 

"I'm not trying to fire you up right now," Kaitlyn says, very clearly trying to get Shawn fired up.  

Steam is just about to escape from his ears when Kaitlyn decides it might be better to finish this discussion off camera. 

On the one hand, it's kind of a bummer for us viewers. On the other hand, I'd rather not witness an aneurism so maybe this is for the best. 

Kaitlyn hands over the invite

and that's that. 

The next morning they part ways 

and Shaun just happens to bump into Nick, who invites him inside for another heart to heart.

This time Nick slings the verbal daggers, 

and Shawn is like, "I want my pink shirt back!"

"Are you threatening me?" Nick asks. 

In response Shawn calls Nick a smooth talker who loves hearing himself talk. Half of that is true. 

Nick takes a walk. 

He and his cuffed sleeves have a lot to think about. 

What do you think Ben has been doing while Shawn and Nick have been exploring their Will They, Won't They dynamic? Probably coloring with crayons or stacking blocks.

Kaitlyn arrives to the rose ceremony and pretends this is a difficult decision.

She excuses herself,

to find Chris Harrison who is quick to touch her lower back and tell her everything will be okay.

She's either comforted or revolted enough to confront the men once more. 

She has two roses to hand out.

The first goes to Nick, 

much to Shawn's chagrin.

The second rose goes to Shawn, 

Much to Ben's chagrin.

Kaitlyn escorts Ben outside for the obligatory, "This is so tough... you're going to find the perfect girl" talk.

Ben tries his darndest to look sad, but you can see that glimmer in his eyes. The glimmer that says "My chances for being the next Bachelor are looking real good right about now."

Nick and Shawn remain inside, avoiding eye contact, refusing to speak to each other, and all around acting like mature adults. 

"I feel the hate between them," Kaitlyn says.

Look at her. She's loving this. 

She makes a toast to meeting their families,

then heads to bed, once again leaving Nick and Shawn and the entire production crew alone in a room. 

For a while.

A really long while. 

Go make yourself a sandwich.

When you get back they'll still be ridiculous. 

Get me one while you're up. 

Thanks.

The next morning, or week, or year, who knows really, Kaitlyn and her boyfriends head to Utah! UTAH! I live there! 

Welcome! Why are you here? Don't get me wrong, we're happy to have you and your money, but shouldn't you be in Timbuktu or Fiji or anywhere warm and bikini friendly?

I love my State and everything, but you picked the worst possible time to visit. Right between when the snow has melted and the flowers have yet to bloom, and everything is brown and inversiony.  

Is the budget really that tight? Do you need us all to pitch in? There's no shame in asking for help. 

Anyway. Despite the State's general ennui, Kaitlyn and Nick are still able to muster some passion,

while Nick's family waits for the couple's arrival. 

These people are not doing great. 

Imagine how you would feel if your son/brother called and said, 

"Hey! Remember when I was on television and had a really painful breakup

and humiliated myself and our entire family?

Well I think I'm going to do that again."

Nick, you are killing your mother. 

And Bella.

Think about, Bella, Nick. 

She doesn't deserve this.

But Kaitlyn shows up and things are not as apocalyptic as this family was prepared for them to be. 

She gets along with the sister

whose name I can't remember. 

The Brothers Viall approve,

and even Bella gives the okay,

but maybe she just had too much wine. 

Mother Mary has her reservations, 

but can tell Kaitlyn is, for some inexplicable reason, way more into Nick than Andi ever was. 

It's going to be really terrible for this woman when her son is rejected in front of millions of people for the second time. 

He's just so sure things are different. And he's just so wrong. 

"I do think [Kaitlyn] loves me," he says.

then adds, "She's great at making out, 

which seems like a really weird and gross thing to tell your mother. 

Also, this is unrelated, but I think he added a new bracelet to the collection since we saw him last. 

Seven bracelets feels like seven too many. But that's just me. 

Nick and Kaitlyn toast to a successful family gathering

and have a debriefing. 

As a long time viewer, it really takes a lot to get me to squirm. But this interaction did it. 

STOP IT.

RIGHT NOW.

IDIOTS.

In the next room or somewhere else nearby, Shawn preps for his big reunion. 

You're

 welcome.

A woman is willingly to overlook a good deal of adolescent behavior for abs like those, which could be why Kaitlyn is so pleased to see him even after all this past week's shenanigans. 

 Shawn's family eagerly await the prodigal son. The women are excited,

but Father Steve has some concerns. Because his son is considering marrying a woman he's known for roughly a month and dated on television alongside 24 other men. Weird. 

Shawn and Kaitlyn arrive

and it's a much warmer welcome than Kaitlyn's face in this screenshot suggests. 

She has a great talk with this sister, who calls her brother "our little Shawn," 

and this sister who I'm convinced is just Shawn wearing a wig.

Right?!

 The sisters share their approval

and Shawn is pleased. 

But he still hasn't had his chat with Papa Steve, who is rather stone-faced about the situation

at least until we return from commercial and he's whistling a different tune. A supportive tune.

Later, Shawn tells Kaitlyn there's something he needs to get off his chest. 

He's pregnant. Hahahahahaha. Just kidding. Did I get you? I totally got you. You should have seen your face.

Actually, Shawn just wants to tell Kaitlyn that he loves her. 

She can't return the sentiment because of the rules or whatever, but she can show instead of tell. 

So she does. 

Kaitlyn returns to her hotel room and has a bit of a breakdown. 

Possibly because she's in love with two men and has a difficult decision to make, 

though I think it's more likely that she's running on very little sleep. When I'm tired Geico commercials move me to tears. I was once so tired on an airplane that I cried watching Cheaper By The Dozen 2. I feel you, Kaitlyn. 

Look at that lovely, lush, landscape. 

Really, any other time of the year and this place is breathtaking. Come back in October when the mountain leaves are turning, or in the winter when there's snow as far as the eye can see. Even right now, when the wildflowers are bursting with color. Just not the end of March. It's a terrible time to be a Utahn. 

Don't worry, Kaitlyn, they'll probably fly you to the Caribbean next week. 

Oh, they won't? You're staying here?

Yeah, that sucks. 

Thanks for reading, donating, following on Instagram and Facebook, and sharing. Unless something super crazy happens during The Men Tell All, I probably won't be blogging next week. It's a little painful to watch twice, and honestly, I'm running out of steam and need my rest before the season finale. But I'll for sure see you in two weeks after what promises the most shocking conclusion in Bachelorette history. For real this time. Right, Chris Harrison? RIGHT?!