Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 8: Irish is still English

Welp. We're still in Ireland.

This episode's camera guy seems to be gunning for a position at National Geographic with an abundance of nature shots:

The noble mallard sits atop a cool rock, 

the timid dear forages in the woods,

and the male human specimen receives communication from his polyandrous leader. 

Her message reads,

Let's make today unforgettable."

and what follows is pretty forgettable.

A row boat ride.

Followed by a game of hide and seek, 

a game most common among the youth of this species, though sometimes played by adults acting like idiots while in heat.

There's some light making out on a shore somewhere,

then an evening meal. 

These two are on a liquid diet.

After enjoying alcohol with a side of whisky, they get to talking.

"I fear that I am unlovable," Ben says. Ben is lying.  People who genuinely believe they are unlovable do not audition for The Bachelorette. But Ben has two living parents, zero children, zero ex-wives, a steady job and a winning smile, so he has to fabricate a talking point. 

Kaitlyn is quick to extinguish Ben's fake concerns.

They spend the rest of their date planning time in the Fantasy Suite. "I'm excited to get to know you away from all this and talk all night," Ben says.

Right. Talk. 

Another transcription arrives at the male dwelling, this time for the specimens Shawn, Nick, and Joe:

The majestic eagle soars overhead

while ewes and their young graze on the plains.

The black-vested Joe, the prominent-beaked Shawn, and the curly-maned Nick hunt the Irish countryside in search of a mate until they find Kaitlyn, genus: woman.

Other creatures look on as the mating rituals ensue.

Shawn and Kaitlyn have the first non-serious chat they've had since arriving in Ireland seventeen years ago.

They take a minute to enjoy their time together,

and just when Kaitlyn is about to spill the beans about her slumber party with Nick, the man himself cuts in. 

The show really wants us to feel judgy toward these two for having the s-e-x before Chris Harrison sanctions the act with an invitation to forego their individual rooms and spend the night together as a couple in the Fantasy Suite. But anyone who has watched any television in the last, oh, forty years finds relations between consenting adults to be pretty standard media fare and wishes we could just move on already, amirite?

"You've got lipgloss on your lip," Joe tells Shawn.


And Shawn breaks into song:

Joe is stressed because he'll never be able to pull off a freestyle flow like that, and because he can sense his days, or minutes, are numbered. 

When he finally gets the chance to sit down with Kaitlyn, he throws a Hail Mary pass with an "I love you" and a kiss.

"I didn't stutter or anything, did I?," he asks when Kaitlyn remains silent. 

Wild stallions sprint, hoping to escape the gravitational pull of the black awkward hole about to rip through the universe.

Kaitlyn mumbles something about not being on the same page

and something about enjoying their time together, but it's not going to work.

"Are you upset?" Kaitlyn asks. 

"Why would I be upset?" Joe responds, clearly livid.

"No worries, man" Joe adds. Then rolls his eyes during the hug she begs for. 

"I'm done with you. Don't talk to me," Joe snaps at a producer

as he wanders into the woods to search for a pack of wolves who will love him for who he is. 

2 men remain. Only one will receive a rose. Actually, none will, cause Kaitlyn just can't deal, but she does invite Shawn to spend more time with her later.

Shawn is giddy that he received such an invitation while "the other guy" did not. 

Shawn still refuses to call Nick by his name, and instead calls him "the other guy" ten times in this single episode. Really. I counted. 

Either all restaurants in Ireland look the same, or Shawn and Kaitlyn visit the same date location as Ben H. That's the same plate of food sitting on the table from the other night. Probably. 

Kaitlyn invited Shawn to this rendezvous because, as she puts it, "I feel compelled to be honest with him and tell him what happened with Nick"

In other words, she feels the need to tell one of her four boyfriends that she was intimate with another one of her four boyfriends two episodes before she was supposed to be. This show is the worst. 

So she tells Shawn. 

And Shawn reacts by not reacting

for like, 

a long time. 

A really long time. 

Until he finally announces that he needs to take a minute to regroup and go to the bathroom.

He returns from the Gents' room and tells Kaitlyn that yeah, sure, he's upset, but this is all worth it and he just wants to be with her.

But then it's time for the rose ceremony and Shawn is a mess.

"I've been operating under the impression that she values what I'm saying and that she trusts what I'm saying. I feel like if she did trust me, then He [Nick] wouldn't be here." I took one semester of Logic in college so I feel qualified to explain why this makes no sense. I value your opinion and trust you when you say you don't like cheddar cheese. But I am not you. I happen to like cheddar cheese. Your opinion of cheddar is irrelevant to my cheesy cravings, therefore, I will continue to eat cheddar cheese, and Kaitlyn will continue to see The Other Guy. 

"I'm heading into tonight wanting to want a rose. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered before I can accept this rose," Shawn says, but he never gets the chance to ask those likely inappropriate questions because Chris Harrison waltzes in and announces that there will be no cocktail party.

Instead the four remaining men enter the den of execution and wait to learn if they will continue on this journey as one of the chosen or leave, having never found the exposure love the so desperately desired.

Kaitlyn calls Shawn's name first, 

but he doesn't immediately accept the rose. He requests a private conversation. 

Because he's needier than a tired toddler.

"I don't understand why... him," Shawn says.

"I think I'm here to explore other relationships... you need to let me figure out things for myself... you have to trust me, and I just don't think you do," Kaitlyn says. But then he still gets a rose?

So does Ben

and Nick. 

That means Jared will have only his facial hair to caress tonight. 

Kaitlyn asks to walk Jared out.

"Make sure you find the man of your dreams cause you deserve it," Jared instructs, then they cry. 

Just as her tears dry, Kaitlyn meets Nick for their Fantasy Suite date. 

First stop on the itinerary: a cathedral. 

Hey look! A confessional booth. I feel like the show might be trying to tell us something. 

It's nothing if not subtle.

After some pew snuggling, they head to a pub for some heavy drinking. 

We'll have two drinks each, please
They make friends with some locals and laugh at their accents. Tell me more aBOAT that, Kaitlyn.

Nick gets a hair cut during a commercial break, 

And they order six more drinks. Cause why not. 

Then they head to dinner in a prison. Really. Try to be a little more heavy handed with the symbolism there guys.

Nick talks smack about Shawn, you know, because he "cares" and "doesn't want to see Kaitlyn get hurt."


Kaitlyn presents Nick with the Chris Harrison stamp of approval for woopie.

So these two are free to spend all kinds of "off camera time" together without suffering the consequences:

Kaitlyn leads Nick to a dank room and informs him that they will be spending the night there. 

But hahahahahaha she's just kidding. 

They're actually spending the night in what looks like a standard Holiday Inn. 

Nick doesn't care. 

Nick really just has one thing on his mind.

Morning breaks 

and the lovers lounge. 

They even chew and swallow actual food in front of the cameras. 

And Nick answers the age-old question, what's more important? A shirt or bracelets?

Bracelets. Always. 
The time comes for Nick and Kaitlyn to part, 

and as Nick walks away he says, "It was the best date I've ever been on. Ever." And Andi is like, "Rude."

A feeble calf take his first steps through the hillside,

a pair of mallards bathe in a nearby pond,

and the Alpha homo sapien gazes longingly over the horizon

plotting his next move.

Feeling his territory is threatened, the specimen growls and thumps his chest.

Actually he calls the front desk to get Nick's room number. 

He worries for a minute that his biceps might actually rip out of his shirt sleeves,

but decides it's not worth changing and heads over to his BFF's room to have a little chat. 

Shawn sits across from Nick and begins listing all of Nick's faults. Like all good house guests do.

"You're manipulative, you're arrogant, you're just a cocky guy," Shawn says.

And Nick says "I could say all the same things about you."

But will he? We'll have to wait to find out.

Sad news, guys. Brady is headed back to Nashville. And Britt can't leave her job AS A WAITRESS to be with him. So it's long distance for these two. Which hopefully means we'll never have to hear from them again. 


Thanks for reading, sharing, and donating. Remember to follow along on Instagram and I'll see you here again next week.

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