The Bachelorette Finale: Part 1: Why are you here?

A recap in 2 parts, because we have a lot to cover. 

At the start of this "live" finale we're still in dead, sad, Utah. 

Here's the ugliest stretch of I-15 to prove it:

But we're not in the Deseret for long, it seems, because Nick, wearing his cutest Forever 21 shirt, is packing his suitcase,

and Shawn is gathering his many, many pill bottles. 

Many.

His urine must be psychedelic 

So the boys and Kaitlyn head to the exotic, tropical... Malibu. 

Seriously? Are things really that tight? First they have to spend like nine years in Ireland, then travel to Utah just to plug some resort, and now the finale is in California?

Kaitlyn's family gather around while Kaitlyn dishes about the two men she loves.

"They hate each other," she tells them, and Mom Leslie and Sister Haley react appropriately. 

 Dad and Stepmom, though, are wondering why exactly they're here?

Mama Leslie learns that Nick is one of the remaining two men and she has thoughts.

"Why are you here, Nick?" she asks just as soon as he walks in the room.

He lets his bracelets do most of the talking

and hopes to distract the family with his revealing deep V-neck Tee.

Mama Leslie still has thoughts, because Mama Leslie has eyeballs and watches television. Also, I think she might enjoy being on camera. 

So she sits Nick down for a little chat and immediately lists all the things he did wrong on Andi's season.

 "You were possessive, you were jealous...," she tells him, then asks, "Who are you? Are you surprised that you're here?"

He's not surprised that he's here. He knows how good he is at this game. He knows what it takes. He knows that there's nothing more powerful than letting a single tear fall from his eye. 

Nothing will please a mother more. 

Not even showing her his best man cleavage. 

Kaitlyn's dad, unlike Leslie, doesn't put up much of a fight.

"You're a serial reality television villain who wants to marry my daughter after spending three hours with her? Okay!"

Nick and Kaitlyn celebrate the successful introductions

and say farewell for now.

What's really fun about this finale is the Viall family sitting in the front row of the studio audience.

Look. You don't have to read to the end of this blog to know that Kaitlyn does not choose Nick. You don't have to watch past the first episode to realize that Shawn is the clear winner. Kaitlyn even accidentally told the world Shawn is her boyfriend.  So why are we making Nick's family sit through ANOTHER two hours of their son's dejection? Is no one thinking of Baby Bella? She doesn't deserve this. 

The next day (the next day three months ago, not the next day after the "live" finale. It's confusing. I know), it's Shawn's turn to try and impress the fam. 

Though I'm not sure Stepmom is impressible. I'm not sure she can speak. 

But Haley is quickly won over with gifts for her two children, 

and Les is won over with muscles.

Though she still insists on a heart to heart and asks, "So what do you think of Kaitlyn spending the night with the person you hate most in this entire universe?"

Shawn is so glad he signed up for this. 

Leslie is so glad she has an excuse to wrap herself around that physique. 

After half a second, Haley is #teamshawn

 and Dad is like, "Yeah, marry her, whatever, can I leave now?"

After a second round of successful introductions, Kaitlyn bids farewell to Shawn. For now. 

Then they head to Thailand. No? New Zealand? Hawaii? Mexico? 

Marina Del Rey? Wow.

Nick decides that this last date with Kaitlyn is the perfect time to expose the world to his upper thighs. 

He maybe should have spent some time in a tanning bed before hand. 

No. Stop that.. 

STOP THAT.

 For the night time portion of the date, Nick puts on his special evening-wear bracelets. They're dark and mysterious, just like his perception of himself.

He considers leaving his shirt unbuttoned to his bellybutton, but settles on halfway. Best to leave a little something to the imagination. 

He meets Kaitlyn and they get right to their usual shenanigans. 

Then he says, "You know I got you something...it's in my bedroom."

And Kaitlyn thinks, "AGAIN?!"

But he really does have something other than sweet lovin' for her.

It's this:

A framed photo of that time they offended every patron in an Irish pub,

and a poem? Letter? Written statement? I don't know what to call it other than crap. 

Have any Zofran handy? Grab it before you read this:

There is magic in your eyes

and when I look at you

I see my future.

There is electricity in your lips

and when I kiss you

I feel your energy.

There is love in your heart

and when I touch you I feel

a love worth never letting go

Love,

Nick

Kaitlyn pretends to really like it, 

and Nick says, "Isn't it great?" Then when she sets it aside he says, "You can keep looking at it."

"I'm good," she says with her kisses.

The next morning over some B-roll footage Kaitlyn tells us she woke up at 2:30 am with her heart pounding out of her chest because "this is so hard."

Right. 

Her made-up palpitations subside just in time to meet Shawn,

who says, "to be where I am today, EXSPECIALLY after meeting her family...blah blah blah" all that matters from that quote is his pronunciation of "especially."

Things start out okay, 

but then Shawn feels like Kaitlyn is being weird, 

and Kaitlyn feels like Shawn is being weird, 

and Kaitlyn aggressively rubs Shawn's leg.

It's all weird. 

But then things are okay later when they both apologize for the previous awkwardness. 

They talk about their future, 

Then Shawn, who I think was informed five minutes ago that he was supposed to have a gift for Kaitlyn, hands her a mason jar filled with the contents of his kitchen junk drawer.

That's a bunch of garbage and a golf ball. 

What fun they have looking through the recyclables together. 

What longing they feel when they have to say goodnight. 

What sadness Kaitlyn has when she realizes she must break someone's heart tomorrow. 

"It's hard to know that no matter what I'm going to hurt somebody," she says. 

Here's the Viall family again, 

because the producers know Nick is not a sympathetic character and they need someone for the world to feel sorry for when Nick loses. Again. 

"Is no one concerned for Baby Bella?" this audience member wonders.

The following morning, Shawn is topless. 

Yeah....open those blinds. 

Pull that cord. Pull it good. 

Walk up those stairs. 

Slowly. Yeah. That's it. 

Drink that coffee. 

Hold that mug. Hold it tight. 

What this man lacks in ability to pronounce "especially" he makes up for in pectorals. 

Shawn takes a minute to jot down some proposal thoughts.

It's going to be a six page proposal, I guess. 

There's a knock on the door, and Shawn opens to find Neil Lane 

and his briefcase full of diamonds. 

Shawn picks one of the least audacious rocks,

which is not saying much. 

Meanwhile, Nick chooses another plunging neckline, 

and monologues. "I think I may be an acquired taste. I think Kaitlyn has acquired a taste for me." Gross. 

He then changes shirts

and looks pensively out at the foliage. 

That is until there's a knock on the door and he's OMG so nervous because remember last time? He thought it was going to be Neil Lane but it was actually Andi there to break up with him. He's been on this show before. Has he mentioned that?

Much to Nick's relief, it's a jeweler and not a dumper standing in his door frame. 

"I'm so happy to see you," Nick says while embracing a stranger. "Call security," Neil Lane says with his eyes. 

They sit down and Nick vomits verbally all over the man offering him a free engagement ring. 

"You probably don't know this, but I've done this before," he explains.  

"Cool story, bro," Neil thinks, then asks about Nick's ring in order to change the subject.

Nick is disappointed when Neil doesn't ask about his bracelets, but proceeds to choose a ring for his girlfriend. 

I bet you $10,000 that he asked if he could keep one for himself. There's no bigger fan of accessories than Nick. 

Kaitlyn rolls out of bed in full make up and styled hair, 

and pretends to not have a full team of stylists helping her prepare for her big night.

Then she takes a minute to think about the meaning of it all, 

and I'm really hoping that glass fence is secure. 

Yeah, put that shirt on. 

Wait, no! Don't!

He does. Bummer.

And so does Nick, 

after switching back to bracelets: classic edition. 

The proposals are taking place at....

The mansion?! That's it. I'm launching a Kickstarter to get these people better locations. Actually, I'm not because I have no idea how to do that, but really. Did they at least disinfect the bathrooms since the men left?

The son of Harris escorts a nauseous Kaitlyn inside,

while two anxious fellas take long limo rides to the mansion.

Do you think they leave at the same time and the winner's driver just takes an extra long route?

Or do you pretty much know you're toast when you see the day's filming schedule and realize your segment will be shot first?

C.H. gives Kaitlyn a good luck hug

and leaves her alone to wait. 

That is until the first limo drives up, 

and out steps Nick. Duh. 

Kaitlyn greets him with a hug,

then listens politely as he gives a speech mostly about himself. 

You would think he would stop when seeing this look on her face, 

but he keeps babbling just to the point when he reaches for the ring and Kaitlyn stops him. 

And sighs. 

Then tries to offer an explanation. 

But Nick cuts her off with ,"K."

Then starts in on another speech about how surprised he is to be dumped on national television. Again. 

"Listen, if you were in love with me, we'd be having a different conversation," he says.

"Everything was real to me in those moments. Everything we've been through and done was because it was real to me," Kaitlyn says.

"You took things from me," Nick says. DID SHE TAKE ONE OF YOUR BRACELETS? You better check. Count them right now. 

"That's because it was real to me," Kaitlyn sobs.

"It wasn't that real," Nick snaps.

"What I felt for you was greater than a moment," he adds. He is eating. This. Up.

"You don't want to be with me and you don't feel what I feel...you don't love me," he finally concludes.

Then Kaitlyn gives up on any hope of having the last word and escorts Nick down an unbelievable creaky walkway. It takes approximately 100 minutes.

In the limo Nick does this:

then this:

because that's the way 34 year-old software salesmen typically act.

"I am the world's biggest joke," he declares.

He's not wrong. 

NO, Bella, PLEASE DON'T CRY.

It's not your fault your brother is delusional enough to think he could actually meet a wife on TV. Again.

Tune in tomorrow for part 2 for the more successful proposal and After The Final Rose featuring an egregious misuse of mascara.