He storms into Kaitlyn's room demanding an ultimatum, as those of us who have a uterus are known to do from time to time.
"You can't put me on the spot like that," she replies.
"Yes or no?" he demands.
"I'm falling in love with you," she says cautiously, not wanting to anger the demons that have taken over his body and made him sad and bloated.
"I don't know if I can do this," he says.
This is the look every partner gives their menstruating loved one. It's the look that says, "You're acting crazy, but I can't tell you that because you'll murder me."
Kaitlyn kisses Shawn before he says something like "YOU THINK I'M FAT, DON'T YOU!"
Smart thinking, K-dawg.
Kaitlyn is crying here because she thinks Shawn knows about her encounter with Nick.
But really he just needs a midol. And some alone time. On the steps.
If I had to guess, Shawn's thoughts here are probably along the lines of "I'm so hungry. Everything is terrible. Why don't my pants fit? I need a cheeseburger."
Speaking of girl problems, Tanner and Nick, who I guess are friends now(?) have a walk and gossip about Shawn and how he omg totally cried on the group date.
Give him a break, guys. He's not in control of his emotions right now.
It's time for the 2-on-1 date with JJ and Joe.
Kaitlyn says of JJ, "JJ is attractive, he's funny, he's edgy..." If you say so?
And of Joe she says, "Joe is hilarious. Joe is romantic. Joe is sweet." I actually do like Joe. Even if his hair does look like Buddy's.
The three humans set out on this totally normal date.
They head to a mountaintop where it appears they are all supposed to get cozy under those blankets.
Nothing weird about this.
Joe pulls Kaitlyn aside and tells her, "I'm falling in love with you."
JJ pulls Kaitln aside and tells her he cheated on his wife.
Guess who gets the rose:
Hint: not the philanderer.
 |
| The stench of adultery is ripe. |
So long, JJ.
We look forward to hearing about your and Clint's engagement at MTA.
Joe and Kaitlyn spend some additional time together.
"I feel happy aBOAT him," Kaitlyn says. If she and Joe, who has a deep Kentucky accent, were to procreate, I would love to hear how their children speak.
Joe returns to the other men and starts describing his romantic time spent with the girlfriend they all share. Given Shawn's current physical condition, he can't even right now.
Let me guess, Shawn, excruciating migraine?
"I'm so exhausted mentally, physically...I haven't been able to eat" yeah, that sounds right. It's THE WORST, isn't it?
 |
| Nausea? Been there. |
Shawn marches into Kaitlyn's room, again, and she has every right to be terrified of what he might do.
But he doesn't burst into tears or bring up something wrong she did in 2009 or yell "These sweatpants are all that fit me right now!"
Instead they just hug it out.
Later, everyone is super cheery waiting for Kaitlyn to arrive at the cocktail party.
When she does finally show up, she makes a cryptic statement about mistakes and regret.
It's weird.
 |
| "I should not have had that second cheeseburger." |
He pretty much tells Kaitlyn that she should at least try and pretend to have a little bit of interest in someone other than Shawn.
Kaitlyn starts crying because that's the best way to soften an accuser.
I've used that trick.
Then she kisses Ben, because it worked so well in getting Shawn to stop talking about all those feelings.
Things only get weirder when Kaitlyn sits down with Nick and explains that she's concerned he might tell the other guys about their...um...time together.
Nick does not appreciate the implication there.
The men's cycles must have synced together because Nick gets real weepy real quick.
Then Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down for their third serious talk in seven hours. This is not a great party so far.
"I definitely got in my own head and turned a little crazy," Shawn explains. It's the exact explanation I have to offer my husband once a month after I've had a complete meltdown over something like mismatched socks or annoying eating noises.
Kaitlyn, like partners everywhere, is relieved to know that he at least recognizes that his hormones are in control.
Just in time for the rose ceremony.
Nick and Joe have a rose, and there are three left to be handed out.
The three roses go to
Ben H.,
Cupcake,
and, after an especially dramatic "Kaitlyn, gentlemen, it's the final rose tonight," from Chris Harrison and an unnecessarily long pause,
Shawn.
"I couldn't be more excited right now," says Shawn.
 |
| Uncontrollable mood swings? Been there. |
Sadly, two men do not receive roses, so we bid farewell to
Tanner, and
Ben Z.
"This is a girl that my mom would have been proud to meet," Ben Z. says. Did something happen to Ben Z.'s mom? I don't remember him mentioning anything.
The next day the men are preparing to hop aboard the Paddywagon
when who should arrive but the object of all their affections. Well, almost all their affections. *cough*cupcake*cough.
"Jared, you wanna hop in with me?" Kaitlyn asks.
Jared thinks, "Seriously, you're trying to call this a date? ?" but he agrees to go because it beats riding in a bus with a bunch of other dudes.
Kaitlyn maybe kills a few pedestrians while driving
and then pulls over for a selfie stop.
With a digital camera. I didn't know they made those anymore.
No.
Stop.
Unfollow.
Nice #earlybird filter.
They eventually arrive at the Blarney castle
where they kiss the Blarney Stone.
"Not everyone gets to have a moment where they're kissing the Blarney stone with the girl they're falling in love with," says Jared.
Jared easily could have used a madlib to write that statement.
Not pronoun gets infinitive a noun where they're verb the landmark with the noun they're verb in noun with.
 |
| Kaitlyn loves word games |
Then they head to the castle where Kaitlyn will be staying
and enjoy a bedtime cocktail, because as Kaitlyn explains it, you can't end a road trip without a drink. Just like they taught us in Driver's Ed.
Then they say goodnight. No "off-camera" time for Jared.
But Kaitlyn always feels good after spending time with Jared. She can totally see him as her husband.
"I'm just feeling really happy in this moment like nothing can go wrong," she says.
Cue Chris Harrison:
The Godfather of Love is here to mix things up. Everything is about to change, forever, on this, the most dramatic episode of The Bachelorette, since the dawn of time, since dinosaurs roamed the earth, before the earth even was, when we were all just particles in the universe.
But actually it's a total let-down. "You've already had 'off-camera time' [WINK] with some of these men," he says, then explains that he wants to change everything and do the fantasy suites next week, and get the boom-chica-bow-wow in before she meets the families.
"The point is, everybody will have had 'off-camera time' with you," he says, and Kaitlyn thinks,
"I'M ONLY ONE WOMAN!"
So many romantic nights to have
so little time.
Captain Harrison makes his way over to the boys camp to explain the situation.
The men are confused
and longing for a time when this show meant something.
You can't just go changing the rules like that. You'll upset the 34 year old men wearing bracelets.
 |
| That is an arm par-tay |
"FORGET RULES," C-Har yells then drops the mic and the date card:
So Cupcake meets Kaitlyn at the castle she has all to herself.
If you don't count Mr. Higgins the dog, undoubtedly the best thing about this incredibly stupid episode.
A helicopter arrives to take these platonic friends to their destination.
Cupcake pretends to enjoy kissing Kaitlyn.
No one is convinced.
Especially not Kaitlyn.
She musters all the tears she can for the breakup talk.
And when she's finished, Cupcake says,
Then Kaitlyn leaves Cupcake alone and sad on a cliff, which seems irresponsible.
Don't cry, Cupcake. It's 2015. America loves you.
All your Facebook friends have rainbow avatars. This is your time!
In all seriousness, I could be wrong. Cupcake may be attracted to women. If I had to, I would bet against it, but I've been mistaken before. If I'm right though, I understand why he might have some hesitations about coming out, and I know that it's a sensitive topic not to be taken lightly and no one should be made to feel small for being attracted to whomever they are attracted to.
But I think it's okay to laugh when Cupcake says, "Come on, Chris. Pull it together," and falls over crying,
Right?
Thanks for reading. Remember to follow along on Instagram, and you can find me on Facebook here, at least until I get around to creating a page like a real blogger.
