Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 1 Part 1: I'd love to take that girl out for a nice steak dinner and never call her again

Well it appears that I was not the only internet user who had some objections to the proposed Let The Men Choose plan for this season of The Bachelorette. America has been so angry for the past couple of months that Chris Harrison decided to talk us all down with a pre-premiere speech. 

"Change is never easy," he explains. "But the men were so divided on which girl they preferred that we didn't think it was fair to choose The Bachelorette for them. Sure, we've never let the women have any say in who The Bachelor will be and we've made them hitch their wagons to slime balls like Juan Pablo and the guy who looked like Francine from Arthur, but those are women. Their opinions don't matter. Men though. Men should always have a choice. So shut up and watch." I'm paraphrasing, but that was pretty much the gist of it.

So the plan moves forward and the girls take their limo rides to Bachelor HQ, hoping it's been thoroughly sanitized since last season. 

"My nerves are out of controoooooooool," Kaitlyn says.

"I'm ready to meet my husband," Britt says then breaks into song and birds and deer from the forrest magically appear at her side as she sings about finding her prince, probably. 

The women are ready to meet the men. But they'll have to wait cause we, the viewers, get to meet a few of them first. 

Jonathan either plays guitar or wants you to believe he plays guitar. He's also wearing more jewelery in this one screen shot than I've worn in years. 

Jonathan has a son who is his everything. Jonathan needs to find a woman to love and nurture the young one. No pressure, Brittlyn.

Jonathan declares his allegiance to #teambritt

Joe considers himself to be a southern gentleman. 

In his spare time Joe likes to lean against walls. 

Joe is #teamkaitlyn

Josh is currently studying for the bar exam.

Until he passes the bar and starts work at a law firm, he needs to earn an income. So he's chosen the noblest of professions.

Making the ladies happy.

"Even though I'm surrounded by women all the time, I have been unable to find one I can see having a future with." Yes. It's strange that you haven't made a lasting connection with any of the women stuffing singles in your briefs.

Brady fancies himself a musician. 

It appears that no one in Brady's life has had the heart to tell him that he's really really bad. 

"I've always had melodies inside me," he says and then mimics the noise a raccoon would make if it were hit by a car. It's just awful.

Brady is #teambritt

Joshua is a small town country boy searching for love. Why does that sound so familiar?

"Dating in Kuna is tough. There are just no a lot of options," Josh says, and I hope cow number 415 is not watching at home because her feelings will probably be hurt. 

Chris Soules The Second is #teamkaitlyn and he welded her this rose. Which is actually pretty impressive.

Ian ran competitively at the collegiate level. 

But then he was hit in a car and left for dead, emerging from a coma days later only to be told he'd never run again. But look at him now!

Ian is #teamkaitlyn

Jared feels like he's still single because he's the type of person that knows what they want.

I feel like Jared is still single because he wears a super hero costume under his clothes and refers to himself as "Loveman."

Jared is #teamkaitlyn, bless her heart.

Tony is your friend on Instagram who only posts pictures of yoga poses and kale salads.

Tony's life is made up of a bunch of puzzle pieces, and he can tell that every part of his life is in the right place and someday all the puzzle pieces will come together and he will understand everything, according to Tony. 

Tony also makes out with his plants.

Ben has muscles.

Lots of muscles.

The rest of the men aren't important enough for a profile, I guess, so it's time to get this party started. Bring on the limos!

Chris Harrison instructs the women to stand just within hearing range of each other for optimal awkward.

Kaitlyn is sad when men exit the limo and greet Britt first.

But then happy when handsome gentlemen whisper in her ear that they are here for her.

Both women are apprehensive about being forced to rub the stripper's pectoral muscles. 

Kaitlyn makes a quick jog into the house just to say hello to the fellas.

And Britt is like, "ARE THERE NO RULES?!"

Tony delivers an impassioned speech to Britt about the universe and real love.

He then delivers the same impassioned speech to Kaitlyn. 

Ryan, who was an early arriver, has managed to put away a significant amount of liquor and is starting to feel the effects.

He's a little bit of a belligerent drunk. 

So when Amateur Sex Coach Shawn pulls up in a car pool (get it?),

explaining, "I was afraid dudes would pee in the hot tub so I brought our own,"

Ryan yells from the bushes, "That car sucks!" 

But then says nothing of the motorized cupcake that shows up next, which really feels like a lost opportunity.  

Once all the men have arrived, the women try to convince the testosterone-filled room that they would make the best wife/tabloid-cover.

Kaitlyn's approach is to tell a joke. 

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"2 Bachelorettes!"
"2 Bachelorettes who?"
"That's the joke!"

Tony likes it.

Britt considers herself to be above a silly stand-up routine and announces that she's here to find a best-friend and someone to share her life with.

Tony likes that, too.

The next seventeen hours are spent making small talk on patio furniture.

Britt and Kaitlyn are trying to convince the suitors to vote for them, while the suitors are trying to convince Britt and Kaitlyn to ultimately choose them for life partners. It's like Shakespeare but dumb. 

It's all pretty boring until one of the dudes presents Kaitlyn with this masterpiece:

I don't remember the guy's name or anything about him, but he had better win. 

Soon the triceratops jockey himself tells the bros it's time to exercise their male privilege and cast their votes for the woman who will go on to fame and fortune and the woman who will have to go home and pray for an invitation to appear on Bachelor in Paradise. 

Before Chris even finishes his statement, Tony gets up and walks into the voting room.

Tony can feel energy pulsating from the box with Britt's name on it, so obviously Britt gets his rose vote.

The rest of the group aren't as in tune with the universe and therefore cannot rely on object pulsation to make their decision for them.

It's tough on some guys.

But slowly their votes are cast.

Some for Britt.

Some for Kaitlyn.

Meanwhile, Ryan is still drunk. Very very drunk. 

"Is this the gay bachelor?!," he slurs. It's a statment that might make sense with context, but probably not.

Carpool sex coach decides to confront Ryan about his verbal abuse. It is ill-advised. 

"Everything about you sucks," Ryan says and then walks away, remembering nothing about his actions fifteen minutes ago. 

JJ here has appointed himself the law and order of the mansion, and has decided Ryan must go. 

JJ describes Ryan's conversation with Britt as a "gross mismanagement of her time" which is something only an unemployed investment banker would say. 

So JJ tries to save Britt. 

It backfires.

Ryan finally leaves Britt alone only to find Kaitlyn and rub her bottom. 

He then decides clothes are for stiffs and that it's time for a dip in the pool. 

No one seems to much care that he will likely drown since he's inebriated to the point of being unable to support his own body. 

Someone tries to make him vote. He knocks over a painting, throws the rose, and all but sets the room on fire. 

He does eventually put clothes back on, which might seem like a step toward sobriety but then he threatens to rape JJ. 

So the producers send in the heavy. 

Did you know this show had bouncers?

"Chris Harrison would like to speak with you," this scary dude in a funny hat tells Ryan. 

Chris Harrison loves this stuff. He has all the power and he's totally eating it up. He's like the Godfather of hearts. So Don Corleone tells Ryan, "You're clearly not here for sincere reasons,"

and points Ryan to the van that will escort him to a life of never getting a date with a woman ever again. 

Britt and Kaitlyn are still campaigning. But their efforts are probably lost on this guy because I'm 99% confident that he is not attracted to women. 

The men continue to vote and the person in charge of keeping all candles on set lit is having a very busy night. 

Let's pause her for a second to talk about Shawn. Earlier in the night Shawn tells the camera that he believes in love at first sight and that he immediately fell in love with Kaitlyn when he first laid eyes on here. THEN, Kaitlyn says the same thing about him. 

And so they sit on the wicker couch, making lovey eyes at each other, exchanging playful banter and giggling, and I can't figure out why they don't just run away and start a life together. What are you idiots doing? You don't need this show. Go get dinner and catch a movie and start a real relationship. Unless you're contractually obligated to stay. I don't want you to have to pay a hefty fine or anything. 

On the other side of the lawn Britt is making her 29th meaningful connection of the night with singer/songwriter.

"I feel this deep connection with Brady," Britt says, but she might be whistling a different tune after he reveals one of the many melodies he has inside. 

Chris interrupts the deep connection to announce that all the votes have been cast.

So he and his body guard enter the chamber of broken dreams to tally the roses.  

It takes nine commercial breaks to perform simple addition. 

So while Chris and the muscle are performing the complicated math, Britt and Kaitlyn wander the ground like lost, elegantly adorned puppies. 

Then they sit and look anxious.

Until finally, Chris announces that he's carried the one, double checked his work, and he's pretty show he knows the fate of the two women. 

The next Bachelorette is...


I guess we'll have to talk about the outcome tomorrow. Meet you back here then.

*Thank you so much for your donations. It means the world to me. 

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