Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 1 Part 2: Can't Judge a Book by Its Cupcake

Britt is not the Bachelorette.

Thank goodness. She just has so many feelings. Feelings that I don't particularly wish to spend twelve weeks hearing about. 

After tallying the votes Chris Harrison breaks the news like only Chris Harrison can. 

"The men have voted. And they have voted for one woman. One woman to continue on the journey to find love. A journey that will be long. Just like this lead up."

He does eventually get to the point and says, "Britt, unfortunately you are not going to be the Bachelorette." And then he watches as she reacts.

And just keeps watching.

Then decides her thirty seconds of grieving are up and escorts her off campus

and helps her into the rejection limo.

In the loser limo Britt gives us the rare pleasure of seeing an insanely beautiful person ugly cry. 

Next Chris gets to enjoy the benefits of being the bearer of good news.  

"Unfortunately Kaitlyn [long pause] I had to send Britt home," Chris tells Kaitlyn. HAHAHAHAHAHA. See what he did there? What a trickster

I think Chris likes his job.

Really likes his job. 

It's a job that requires lots of hugging and only a minimal understanding of basic grammar. When Kaitlyn asks how Britt reacted, Chris says, "She took it really good." Well, Chris. Well. 

Chris says he's going to give Kaitlyn a minute to herself (and a camera crew) while he informs the men.

"I'm the Bachelorette!" Kaitlyn declares.

Then she calls her mom. Which is sweet.

"Go find our future son in law," Mom instructs.

He's right here:

But we have to weed out the rest of these yahoos before making it official. I'm not going to pretend that I don't miss drunk Ryan when I look at this photo. He just really added something special to the mix. 

When Kaitlyn enters the room the men give a standing ovation to their new Bachelorette, half of them out of genuine excitement, half of them in an effort to hide the fact that they voted for another woman.

This is still night one, mind you, and there's still a rose ceremony to be had, so the men immediately begin vying for Kaitlyn's time and attention. It's nice having a woman back in power, isn't it? #hillary2016

The fellas waste no time making their intentions known.

Their intentions being to stay on television as long as possible/make it to the Fantasy Suite.

But not everyone is totally on board with the turn of events. 

The universe has betrayed Tony by allowing Britt to leave. He has no choice but to pout behind a pillar. 

"There's only one drinking fountain and we all must stand in the same line. I'm almost ready to go home and just dig my own well," Tony laments. Kind of a creepy analogy there, Tony. 

Loveman decides he needs to tell Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt.

Because nothing starts a relationship off right quite like letting someone know they were your second choice.

The melodies inside Brady are minor right now. He's convinced that only Britt can make them major again.

And JJ is panicking.

"My life, my future, my daughter, is woven out of what happens tonight," JJ says. Take it down a notch, bud. You're here and this entire shows exists so advertisers can sell yogurt and whitening toothpaste to the women watching at home. 

While those bros are wasting time thinking, others are getting busy making their mark.

I was so sure the cupcake-driving dentist was into men, but he's the first to lock lips with K, so maybe my gay-dar can't be trusted. I actually having dating experiences from college that prove that to be true.  

Next is Sean and Kaitlyn time. I can't even with these two. Just get married already. 

Sean gets the first impression rose, obviously.

And the second kiss.

"Kissing Sean is like having a first kiss in like...elementary," Kaitlyn says, and I'm sure Sean is happy to hear he kisses like a nine-year-old.

At long last, it's time for the rose ceremony.

Either someone put laxatives in the cocktails or these guys are nervous:

Kaitlyn enters the room beaming, and hands the first rose to cupcake-driving dentist.

OH COME ONE! This guy has to be gay, right? Am I the only one getting that vibe?

This guy knows what I'm talking about:

JJ, contemplating his future, his life, and his daughter all woven into the events of tonight, looks like he might cry.

Until he gets a rose. Then he just gets obnoxious.

The remaining men anxiously wait for their names to be called. 

Their agony is only prolonged when Brady steps off his riser and requests to speak with Kaitlyn in private.

In the foyer he informs Kaitlyn that after having a four minute conversation with Britt, he's decided she's the only woman for him and he's going to go find her. 

Chris Harrison volunteers to help. Because ratings. 

Some men act shocked when Kaitlyn announces Brady's departure. Striped tie is straight-up psyched that there's one less gladiator of love to battle for Kaitlyn's heart. 

The Rose Ceremony music starts up again and this guy is stoked to hear his name called.

Carpool sex coach is wishing he had eased up on the shrimp cocktail:

Kaitlyn offers her final rose to Loveman,

and says goodbye to this guy:

and this guy:

and carpool sex coach:

and stripper:

Then Kaitlyn and the remaining suitors applaud their own awesomeness. 

Cheers, guys.

All in all this episode felt like an afterthought to Monday's premiere. But did you see the previews for the season? Holy Harrison it's going to be a doozy. Nick. Pre-fantasy suite relations. Amy Schumer. Men crying. I can't wait to share this journey with Kaitlyn and twenty dudes and all of you.  

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