Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Bachelor Week 10: Gosh darnit I'm freaking nervous

And so it ends.

"Welcome to what promises to be a fitting end to the wildest season in Bachelor history," Chris Harrison lies at the start of the season finale.

Instead of ending in a lush, tropical destination as per the Bachelor usual, they drop Chris, Becca, and Whitney back in Arlington, Iowa to remind them just how bleak their potential futures look.

Inside intel: producers have the Bachelor and the ladies do hours worth of B-roll footage. Just walk around, stare at nothing, look pensive, etc. What's my inside intel? I'm definitely NOT reading a juicy tell-all "written" by a past contestant. I would NEVER pick up smut like Courtney Robertson's I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends. OKAY FINE. I'm 150 pages in. And it's awesome. 

Anyway, I like to imagine the kind of direction they give Chris for his B-roll shoots. 

"Look cold and strong, Chris. You are legend. You are alone in the world. Just you and your corn."

"I am dating two extremely awesome girls and I feel like I'm falling in love with both of them," Chris narrates.

"We said look conflicted, not constipated," a producer probably says.

Meanwhile, Whitney puts on her fanciest western-wear and thickest accent to meet Chris's family. 

She successfully wins them over with a speech about Chris's greatness.

Momma Linda and Papa Gary are moved to tears.

This niece, however, is not convinced. That, or she took a bite of what she didn't realize was the fake food on the table. 

Whitney and the Soule Sisters decide 9:00 am is the perfect time for cocktails and intense chats.

Whitney again succeeds at charming, and the sisters all but invite her to move in.

When they ask Chris what his reservations are about Whitney, he says he has none, except that he really likes another woman. Oh yeah. That.

When they ask what he likes about Becca, Chris responds as follows:

"Becca is athletic, and she's...has...I dunno...she kinda....she's also very grounded...and who grounds me...I think...not that I'm not grounded, but...she's....she has certain qualities that are...different?...but pretty cool."

"He can't articulate what he loves about Becca, and that's a red flag," sister says. But if lack of articulation is a red flag, I would think she'd take issue with his entire existence. Chris is not great with words.

In the next room over, Momma Linda is talking real close and holding Whitney's hand. So Whitney has that to look forward to for the next forty years.

"Moving to Arlington is going to be an adjustment, but I love him, so I think for me that just means I'm going to have a lot of babies" Whitney says after saying goodbye to Chris. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT RED FLAGS. There are things that make adjustments easier. Babies do not number among them. 

The Soules fellas have a toolshed debriefing, beers in hand. Because men. Obviously. 

The main takeaway from this testosterone talk is that Whitney is great, but Chris likes Becca because Becca is elusive. 

But how elusive can a woman be if she agrees to meet your family?

Becca manages to move Mama Linda to chuckles,

but the sisters are a harder sell.

"We've seen a California girl not want to move to Iowa before," one says. Chip? Shoulder much?

Becca makes the mistake of telling these people the truth about not being totally ready to pick up and move to Nowhere, Iowa for a man she's spent three hours with. 

Momma Linda tries to convince Becca that she is actually in love with Chris and just doesn't realize it, and that she really should quit her job and say goodbye to her friends and life to join their cult family.

The whole day is a bit stressful for Becca, and the night doesn't get any better.

Chris comes knocking at her door demanding a DTR.

"What do you want?" he asks.
"I don't know!" she answers.
"Why don't you feel like you're in love with me?" he asks.
"Because there are four cameras in this room with us," she should answer but doesn't. All she says is, "I don't know." 

"All I know right now is that I want you," Becca finally tells Chris, and then they hug it out. 

Chris wants Becca to be so much more into him than she actually is, and so much more excited about living in Iowa, because it's apparently impossible for him to ever leave. Are there really no farms anywhere else in the country? We've all seen those happy cow California cheese commercials, right? Couldn't he move there?

Speaking of into him and excited about Iowa, Chris spends the next day with Whitney.

"We're going to go pick some corn," he tells her
"We are?!!!!" she exclaims as though he just told her he was pregnant.

The thing about farming is that it doesn't make super riveting television.

And yet, here we are, watching a combine.

For way too long.

Chris then takes Whitney to his house. The camera lingers on this photo of Chris and a small boy, who I have to assume is his son he never speaks of. Who lives in the attic. And will be introduced to the winner after their wedding. Let's hope it's televised. 

Whitney loves the house, she loves Chris, she loves Arlington, she loves making babies, and loves nauseating all of Bachelor Nation with her relentless optimism. 

"I love being domestic and just doing small town things." Seriously. Dial it down a notch, Whit.

Chris spends the next morning topless whilst contemplating which woman he'd like to make his wife. 

Whitney spends the morning not moving her arms while she walks. 

"Look serious, Becca. And cold." 

Did ABC run out of money? Why are these people not in the Caribbean?

"Look intense Chris. No, you blinked. Oh forget it. That's the best we're going to get."

Shortly before the proposal/breakup, who should show up but your favorite and mine, the one, the only, Mr. Neil Lane.

Chris chooses this modest little number for the wife he has yet to pick.

Chris raised his first pig in this (likely) haunted barn, so of course it's the perfect location for asking a woman to spend the rest of her life with him. 

Inside the barn, open flames sit inches from dead grass. Nothing could possibly go wrong. 

And for good measure, they put some dead cornstalks next to more candles. I guess you could say Chris has a burning passion. Actually, no, you couldn't say that. Cardboard has more passion than Prince Farming. 

Chris laments, "It hurts to have to make this decision. Right now I'm devastated. I'm breaking up with someone who I feel like I was falling in love with. This is a decision I don't even want to make." Totally how you should feel before committing to someone for forever.

Soon the loser's limo pulls up and out steps a red dress belonging to...


Chris tells her how wonderful she is, how he's falling for her, how he could see spending the rest of his life with her,

and how he has to say goodbye to her. She looks relieved. 

In her limo-cam interview, she basically says, "I guess I'm sad?" and sheds zero tears.

In another limo, Whitney waits to find out if she's getting dumped or getting married. 

"On a scale from one to ten, my nerves are off the charts," she says.

Whitney arrives at the barn of broken dreams, where Chris greets her and then makes her do all the talking. So for the 567th time, we hear just how much Whitney loves Chris and how she can't wait to procreate and be an Arlington wife and slowly spiral into insanity. 

Then, finally, Chris says he loves her too, gets down on his knee,

and presents the Neil Lane rock.  

Whitney accepts, duh.

Then the fiances perch themselves out of a barn window. 

"Whitney, this is our kingdom," Chris tells her. Everything the light touches belongs to you." Actually that doesn't happen, but I wish it would. 

Instead they just kiss for like, twenty minutes.

And that's a wrap.

But wait! There's more.

Back to Chris Harrison for the After the Final Rose Special.

Chris H. invites Chris S. to the hot seat.

Then invites Becca on stage. She's never looked better, and there's never been a more mutual breakup in the thirteen years of Bachelor history.

Really, the only person upset about these two not being together is this random audience member:

Next Whitney joins Chris on stage.

They really do seem genuinely happy and in love. It's super boring. 

Which is probably why they bring Jimmy Kimmel out and let him crack a few mild jokes. 

Jimmy gives Chris and Whitney a cow named Juan Pablo. Haha...ha.

If you think this is a circus, wait for what happens next...

It's time to announce the next Bachelorette. Chris Harrison says Bachelor Nation is divided on who it should be.

"Should it be Britt?" he asks, and is answered with a smattering of applause.

"Or should it be Katilyn?" he says, and the applause grows louder.

Then he says that the production team decided not to decide.

For the first time, there will be two bachelorettes.

We're all shocked and confused like this girl:

How is this going to work? How can two women share 25 men?

Turns out, they won't.

"The 25 men on the first night, they will have the ultimate say on who they think would make the best wife," Chris explains. 

"Oh hell no," says this guy's face and everyone watching. 

Listen. This show is awful. A man is wooed by twenty-five desperate women for months. These women are essentially held as prisoners with zero contact with the outside world. No news, no internet, no music, no phones. Just lots of alcohol. They are dressed in tight, short, cleavagey get-ups, in the hopes that a man will choose her like he might choose meat at a deli counter. It is weird and sad, and the only thing that makes it palatable is knowing that in another six weeks, it will be a woman's turn. The Bachelorette will have all the power. It's degrading, but it's degrading to both sexes.

Except now it isn't. The men will be in charge. Again. One of these women will be dumped on television. Again. I hate to get all Jezebel on you, but I just really don't think this is fair. 

Britt and Kaitlyn appear on stage, trying to look enthused about the train that's about to horrifically wreck with them on it. 

When asked about their reaction to learning they'll be sharing the spotlight, Kaitlyn says through gritted teeth, ""That's not ideal..."

And I think maybe they weren't told until their contracts were signed.

It's going to be a disaster. But I'll be watching. And blogging. And I hope you'll be reading.

See you in six weeks.

*Maybe you noticed the donation button I added up there. I know, I know. So tacky. But listen. I really love doing this. I love that you read this and that we can all laugh about this ridiculous program together. However, getting these screen shots takes a lot of time and energy, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to make it a priority when done for no compensation. I looked into ads, but the only ads that would add up to any significant amount were annoying popups that would drive us all insane. More insane than Ashley S. There are so many worthy causes that deserve your donations, and I totally get that you want to do something charitable with your extra funds, if you have any. But if you happen to find a dollar under your couch cushion or fifty cents in your pocket, it would help to keep this blog functioning and my Comcast subscription covered. Regardless, thank for reading and sharing, and making this blog into something I never dreamed it would be. 


  1. 2 Important Things:

    1- I do not think it is tacky, I think it is awesome.

    2- I'm uncomfortable on about 17 levels about this bachelorette business, for many of the reasons you mentioned. And also deeply annoyed, because I feel like 25 straight men are going to mostly choose Britt, but I think several million women watching are mostly going to choose Kaitlyn, and I think it was tom foolery to put her, Britt, and the show in the position of disappointing so many people. Also, I think I officially care too much.

  2. This blog has brought me lots of laughs and I can know what happens without actually having to watch this garbage. I love it, keep it up and I'm happy to share/donate