Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bachelor Week 4: I hope that resonates within your mind tonight

Has this girl been here the whole time?

Or did she just sneak in the back and no one noticed? I'm pretty sure I've never seen her before. 

This week's circus starts with the arrival of a group date card. 

"Let's do what feels natural," it reads.

"Natural" is not a word the girls of The Bachelor are particularly comfortable with.

Unless by "natural" you mean "without clothing." In that case, they're totally fine with it.

Chris escorts half a dozen women to a lake so he can determine the bikini bod most worthy of his love. 

Kelsey, who will keep her top on thankyouverymuch, has her doubts about this bend in the journey to find love.

"This is a date made for bimbos. I'm done. This is stupid," she says. But then she stays.

Back at the compound, Jillian has fallen asleep poolside.  

Just in time for a visit from Chris' Chris's the sisters of Chris. They've come to the house to pick their favorite girl who will then get a one-on-one date with Chris. 

Their favorite girl turns out to be Jade.

Jade gets gets a date card typed in the fanciest MS word font.

The other girls get squat. Poor Nikki the "Former NFL Cheerleader." She was really hoping she could change her title to "The Favorite".

Chris somehow convinces his group date crew that it would be super fun to play Red Rover. Because next to having pillow fights in underwear, there is nothing grown women enjoy more than wearing bikinis and running into each others' arms. 

Kelsey isn't buying it.

"I have moments where I want to take a fork and stab it in my eye," she says. It's a feeling we as Bachelor viewers can easily relate to.

Chris has a big surprise for the girls. They're never leaving. They are pitching tents and surviving off the land and only the strongest will survive or maybe only Kelsey will survive when she finally finds that fork and murders everyone else.

Actually they're just spending the night. 

But they do have to assemble tents in bikinis which feels like a Maxim interpretation of Lord of the Flies, doesn't it?

Speaking of adult content, Ashley I. takes another opportunity to remind us of her sexual purity. 

"I'm a camping virgin, and I'm also a virgin camping!" she says. I wonder if she takes the chance to make similar quips everywhere she goes. Like at the bank. To her fellow customers. "Hey everybody! I'm a virgin! And I'm banking! I'm a banking virgin! Wait, no I'm not, I've had a checking account for years. The important thing is to know that I'm a virgin. Are you surprised? Okay, thanks for your attention everybody!"

As the night progresses, so does the crazy.

Ashley S. plants one on Chris.

Then she declares her love. Possibly for Chris, possibly for her imaginary friend, possibly for you. It's anyone's guess, really.

Katelyn gets the group date rose.

Her reaction is, "I'm drunk." 

Ashley I. has told every human she has ever met that she is a virgin. Every human except Chris. And she feels like it's time he know. So in the earliest of hours, she sneaks into Chris' Chris's the tent of Chris to say things like, "I'm actually a nerd" and "I'm inexperienced in ever way possible.

Because he was woken up to be told this information, and because Ashley isn't making a lot of sense, Chris doesn't really get what she's trying to tell him. So he stops her from saying more words by putting his mouth on her mouth. 

Back at the asylum, Jade is whisked into a room full of dresses.

The whisker is this women in a pink wig. I love her and I want her to be my best friend. 

And not just because she's giving away $1200 shoes.

The next thirty minutes of programming are spent convincing you to see Cinderella in theaters March 13th.

Well that and watching Ashley I. lose it because this date was totally meant for her, and everyone knows she's Cinderella, and she can't even stand that Jade gets to wear a beautiful dress and free NEIL LANE diamond earrings

and the world is just not a fair place.

We find Prince Farming alone in a ballroom, practicing his waltz, like most farmers are wont to do on a Monday night. 

"Tonight I'm a prince and I'm looking for my Cinderella," says the man who I'm starting to think needs to be taken down a notch. 

Chris and Jade talk over a candlelit dinner and it's really boring. 

Subtle decor, guys.

Jade gets a rose, and a private orchestral performance.

She and Chris make out in front of the musicians who are probably thinking "I practice 8 hours a day for this?!"

The cuckoo has officially flown over Ashley I.'s nest at this point, and she decides to wear the dress she specifically bought for a princess date for her own private bawl. 

It's a corn and white wine bawl.

You're not invited. 

The date card arrives and it reads, 

"Let's get dirty"

because this show has stopped trying. 

There are also six white boxes waiting for the women. In it are wedding dresses. Of course. 

Is 9 am too early for a drink? Nah. Also, it's totally fine to wear Nikes with tulle. As much as the producers want us to believe that these girls have no idea what's coming, why would Whitney wear cross trainers if she isn't anticipating a race?

Sure enough, Chris and his six brides are greeted by a race organizer who explains that they're about to complete a muddy obstacle course. 

This goes well for one person. Jillian the exer-bot.

Carly's reaction:

"Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress. She's a **** dude."

Chris loses and has this to say about it, 

"I was trying to hang back and make sure nobody needed help." Sure. 

Jillian wins. Duh. 

Her victory means she gets a dinner alone with Chris. Chris and her first love, her biceps.

At dinner, Chris makes the mistake of asking Jillian where she sees herself in five years. 

Her response seems to be a stream of consciousness monologue lasting through dessert, detailing her many fitness accomplishments, her relationship with her father, and a bizarre "would you rather" that I can't repeat here and keep this thing PG.

"I feel like I'm more on the take end of the conversation so far," Chris tells the cameras. "When Jillian is talking, I become very confused because the words come much faster than my mind can process." It's funny how he manages to insult himself while insulting Jillian.

Anyway, it's pretty apparent that these two have as much chemistry as.... I got a C in Chemistry so I'm not really qualified to finish that joke. The point is, it's not going to work out.

Chris is like, see this rose? I'm holding it but not handing it to you. Sorry. I'm looking for a wife. Not a steroid dealer.

Jillian cries. Sort of.

The following night at the cocktail party, Chris makes sure his concubines know how seriously he's taking this process. Sending home Jillian is obvious proof of how serious he is about finding his US Weekly cover photo partner.

During their pre-rose ceremony talk, Megan pulls a blindfold from her cleavage. The man who is serious about finding a wife is very delighted by this. 

And is delighted to subsequently be blindfolded and taste various fondued fruits. He is extremely proud when he can taste the difference between a raspberry and a banana. I can't believe I'm spending so many hours of my life watching these people. 

Ashley I. is concerned that the message she tried to convey pre-dawn a few nights ago didn't really get delivered. And so, for the 87th time this episode, she says, "I'm a virgin." 

Ashley then has a meltdown because after sharing her big news, Chris simply gave her a hug and did not engage in their usual "I'm trying to bite your face off" make out maneuvers. 

So upsetting.

Obviously, Ashley has to tell all the other girls about the details of the recent development in her relationship with the man they are all dating at once.

When she says, "I'm a virgin" for the 674th time, Becca is like, Hey! Me too! 

and that's all she has to say about it because

Well Katelyn kind of cares, but she may also just be drunk again.

If she is, Chris doesn't seem to mind.

Britt, on the other hand, very much minds Katlyn. So much so that she asks Chris why he keeps giving Katelyn roses.

"I just want to know why those actions and behaviors are being validated," she tells him in reference to the Katelyn's striptease performance at the lake. 

In response, Chris starts about 57 sentences and never finishes any of them. Then he just walks away.

Britt is thinking, maybe that wasn't a great idea, or, maybe I should find a man that speaks English. 

Chris marches into the living room mansion and gives the girls a stern talking to.

"Ladies, I want you to know, I am here to find a wife. If any of you question that, you are more than welcome to go home."

And with that, they head into the rose ceremony.

Three women are sent packing. 

Former NFL Cheerleader Nikki, who can now add Former Bachelor Mansion Dweller to her resume.

Single mom with the tragic story Juelia, who Chris acts totally broken up about sending home, but claims it is the right thing to do because, "I knew she needed to be home with her daughter". Meanwhile Mackenzie, the woman who constantly expects aliens to abduct and probe her, has probably left Kale with the dog and Chris doesn't seem too concerned about HIS welfare. 

And Ashley S. Sadly, it had to end sometime. But it was a real treat for the four weeks she was around, wasn't it?

"I feel nothing. I'm actually not upset at all. I am who I am. I'm not worried about me.I'm not worried about me at all," she says, then hoots like an owl. Bless her.


  1. Perfect 👌.. The recap was perfect 👌.. Thanks for making me laugh more then watching the show... You are amazing.

  2. I Just hope Ashley S doesn't come and steal my soul a couple months from now just because i watched her in the "Ring"....I mean Bachelor.