The Bachelor Week 3: Salute Your Shorts

Well that was stupid.

Jimmy Kimmel steps in for Chris Harrison this week, which would be an improvement had his screen time exceeded five minutes.

But his appearances, while hilarious, are brief. Though he has been tasked with planning the week's dates, and that provides at least a little break from the helicopter monotony.

Jimmy leaves the first date card with the girls. It reads,

"Kaitlyn,

You and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hour devours await."

So Chris and Kaitlyn, the woman formerly known as Miley, take a limo ride to what they assume will be a swanky LA hot spot.

And of course, they end up at Costco.

While I applaud Mr. Kimmel's attempt to make a Bachelor couple "do normal couple things," a limo ride, a camera crew, and unlimited funds do not a normal outing make. A real test of the relationship would be sending them into Home Depot to pick out a paint color for the living room and a new toilet seat for the master bath with a budget of $50.00, sans cameras. See who comes out alive. 

As it is, Chris and Kaitlyn treat the emptiest Costco I've ever seen like a a romantic rendezvous and end up making out in an inflatable ball. Obviously.

I would be so annoyed if I had to pick up a 200-pack of printer ink from the shelf behind them. 

They head back to Chris's place and spend a lot of energy telling each other how great of a time they had not picnicking in a hot air balloon or meeting Beyonce or whatever a standard Bachelor date might involve.

"Who the hell needs helicopters when you have Costco?" Chris says through gritted teeth.

Then they run out of great things to say about Costco and get to the second of what has to be a record number of kisses in one Bachelor episode.

Jimmy Kimmel arrives for a dinner party and provides the most entertaining three minutes of the episode with his commentary. Rewriting someone else's jokes feels like cheating, so I can only recommend that you watch those three minutes. 

Kaitlyn gets a rose

and whatever disease Chris has to be carrying after kissing nearly every woman in the continental United States just in the first two episodes.

The group date card arrives back at the mansion for the ladies in waiting:

"Are you ready to meet some real party animals?" it foreshadows.

In preparation for the group date, Jillian hits the gym and Jillian's backside hits our eyeballs.

Far be it from me to judge another woman on her wardrobe choices. But. If part of your anatomy has to be censored EVERY TIME your body appears on REALITY TELEVISION, it might be time to consider investing in bigger shorts.

There are hay bails on this group date because maybe you haven't heard, but Chris is a farmer. 

Which is perhaps why the activity planned for the girls is titled "The Hoe Down Throw Down."

I could give you a run-down of the Hoe Down Throw Down, or we could talk more about Jillian.

Jillian is wearing this shirt:

She is wearing that shirt when she flexes and vows to win the Hoe Down Throw Down.

She is wearing that shirt when she bends over to milk a goat and reveals the goods. 

She is wearing that shirt when she only slightly bends over and still manages to show more Jillian than the world ever needs to see. 

And she's wearing that shirt when she hops into the pig pen and for all intents and purposes moons Carly. 

Stay classy, Jillian.

Jillian does not win the Hoe Down Throw Down. Carly does, and after seeing what she had to see, I'd say she deserves it. 

Feeling confident after her Hoe Down Throw Down victory, Carly decides her next conquest will be Chris's lips.

"You are a man, and I am a woman, and I just want to take advantage," she says that evening, then leans in for the kill.

Then Amber kisses Chris, but it's bad lighting and the screen shot is not worth posting. But still, are you keeping track? That's three women with whom he's shared saliva and we're only one-third into this episode. I find this irresponsible during flu season.

"There is a fair amount of kissing, which is the point of this whole deal," says Chris. Which I interpret to mean, "when else can I make out with this many women at once and not get in some sort of trouble for it?"

I do not know who this is, but she's woman #4 to expose herself to a whole lot of potentially deadly bacteria.

Mackenzie, who is apparently unaware of the "point" of this "whole deal" asks, "Why are you kissing everyone else, too?"

Chris hems and haws and eventually sputters out something about following his heart or being himself or whatever. Chris is...not great with words. 

Becca, who shares a picturesque moment with Chris away from the other women, informs him that though she would like to kiss him, she feels it's too soon.

AND GUESS WHO GETS THE ROSE. Someday when my daughter is of age I will show her this footage and have her repeat the mantra "She who holds out, hold the rose." 

Ashley S. is confused by this turn of events. Or maybe she's thinking about Mesa Verde. Or onions. Or pomegranates. Hard to say. 

Carly, our resident gender identifier, is disappointed to be left empty-handed. 

"Roseless feels so bad," she says. But for what it's worth, she gets my rose for best dressed. 

The final date card arrives at Pitty Palace.

Chris and Whitney decide on a coordinating wardrobe color for their date. It's an interesting choice. 

Then they sip some wine in front of the backdrop for my Sadie Hawkins dance picture from junior year of high school. 

Whitney asks about the kind of woman Chris is looking for. He mentions spontaneity as a desirable quality, and nearly immediately Whitney says, "I'm spontaneous." Then to prove that she is exactly the kind of woman Chris has always been looking for, at least until filming wraps, she suggests they crash a wedding that they spot taking place down the hill. 

I don't know what was the original plan for the date, but it had to have been more interesting than what actually happens.

Chris and Whitney change into wedding attire, purchase a gift, and attend the wedding like normal, well-behaved adults.

You know what's more agonizing than going to an event and making small talk with strangers? Watching other people go to an event and make small talk with strangers. And that's exactly what we do for about twenty minutes.

Whitney gets a rose and a kiss and a nasty cold, probably.

The next day Jimmy Kimmel announces that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony, but a pool party instead. He says the girls have one hour to prepare. For a pool party. Judging by the girls' reactions, there are a lot of people in the world who need more than an hour to put on a bathing suit. Ashley I. complains that she doesn't have sufficient time to turn full Kardashian. For a pool party.

Here's Jillian:

Here's Chris with gelled hair and the necklace he boondoggled at summer camp. 

Here's Juelia seeking solace from a man with gelled hair and the necklace he boondoggled at summer camp. She just told him the story of her husband's suicide. At a pool party. 

Here's Britt kissing Chris and contracting tuberculosis. Probably.

Here's Jillian.

Here are Jade and Chris making out on Chris's bed. I hope she has all her immunizations.

Ashley I. and Megan are waiting on the sidelines for a chance to talk to Chris, and reassuring each other of how good they look.

"How do I look?"

"You actually look really good."

"Not cracky?"

"Not cracky at all."

I think they're talking about their makeup, though I can't be sure. 

"Like a crack whore?" asks Mackenzie, not joking.

Jillian and Chris kiss in the hot tub. Pants, no pants, he's not picky. 

Ashley I., who looks pretty darn Kardashian to me, really wishes Jillian would get out of the hot tub....no. You know what? I'm not going to insult your intelligence by recapping this nonsense.

But just so you know, this is what it looks like when a Kardashian cries. #breaktheinternet

She gets over it soon. And gets ALL THE DISEASES FROM ALL THE OTHER WOMEN COMBINED.

Then the Ceremony of Roses. All the usual suspects remain. 

But it's goodbye to her:

and her:

and her:

Nobody cares. 

There had better be an explosion or an ex-boyfriend or surprise pregnancy next week. I can't do another week of relying on Jillian's bum for intrigue.