Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor Week 2: Boom. Like the truth.

First off, we can now confirm love is officially dead with this week's announcement that Josh and Andi have split. Somewhere in Milwaukee Nick is reveling in some real schadenfreude.

Anyway, on to our current sick and twisted social experiment that we all know will ultimately end in disaster.

Last we left Chris and the ladies he rosed, Kimberly had walked back inside, hoping for another fifteen minutes on screen  chance at love.

"I feel like I was supposed to be here and supposed to meet you. I just can't walk away from this that easily," she says. And Chris is like, what's another hottie in the harem? Sure! Stay!

The other ladies are not amused.

Are there no rules to this game? They all wonder. And Later Chris Harrison, the Ring Master in this circus of hormones, essentially says, no. Zero rules. In fact, Chris is living down the street and you should make every effort to see him because sometimes this show gets boring and we're hoping for a spicy season. 

Cut to Chris checking out his shirtless reflection in his apartment, which as far as I can tell is just a giant wooden box decorated exclusively with Pier One clearance goods.

We know he showers outside, so it begs the question...

Where is the toilet?

Also, who hid Chris's shirts?

Six women are invited on a group date. The date card reads, "Show me your country" and I hope it means a geography quiz. It doesn't.

"What are we doing?" one of the date-attendees asks while removing her clothes to reveal the bikini she has on underneath. So either she always has a bikini on, like some sort of sexy superman, or she knows exactly what they're doing.

They're having chicken fights in a pool which is totally not a weird dynamic with one man and five women.

JK, it's supes awks.

Meanwhile, Megan, and Jillian, who apparently doesn't know what size bikini bottoms to buy and therefore must have her visible derrière covered by a black box, sneak into Chris's quarters because King Harrison told them to. 

Once inside, Megan puts on a motorcycle helmet and checks its effectiveness by ramming her head into a brick wall. 

And the refrigerator.

And some wood paneling. 

I am not making this up. 

After sufficient snooping and concussion-getting, the girls make their half-naked escape.

Chris and the pool partiers parade through downtown LA in the minimum amount of clothing that will keep them from being arrested. At this point LA residents must see these kinds of shenanigans and think, "Oh crap. They're filming The Bachelor again. That's really going to mess up my commute."

Sure enough, a whole city street has been blocked off so the ladies can race tractors. In their bikini.


But do this they do, and after a long and boring race, Ashely I., who willingly refers to herself as a Kardashian wannabe, wins.

Her prize is sitting on Chris's lap for five minutes. Seriously. 

Then time's up and they join the rest of the women. At this point Chris announces that he'd rather end this date with just one person and invites Mackenzie to join him. 

The remaining girls try really hard to tell themselves they're okay with what just happened.

"Are there going to be hay bails on every date?" asks my husband from the kitchen table where he's "totally not watching".

At dinner Mackenzie tells Chris his nose is just the right kind of big and asks if he believes in aliens. Normal first date stuff.

Just when it looks like she might be sent packing for insulting his face and possibly admitting to having seen extraterrestrials, she whips out the "I'm really nervous to tell you this but I have a son and he's adorable and being a single mom is hard." Chris says he thinks it's awesome that she has a child. Chris thinks "Dang. Now I have to keep her around. America will hate me if I don't."

So Mackenzie gets a rose.

And some lip action.

Back at Camp Desperation, Megan receives a date card. But she doesn't understand that it's a date card. "Isn't this just a love note?" she asks. To be fair, she did repeatedly bang her head against multiple hard surfaces and is most likely still recovering.

Megan and Chris take a private jet to....

a helipad. Because it wouldn't be a week on The Bachelor without a ride in a helicopter

and a woman declaring said ride the coolest thing she's ever done.

"The butterflies are colorful and smiling and fluttering all over the place" says Megan of her feelings toward Chris. So I guess she's still recovering.

The lovers picnic in the Grand Canyon and Chris calls Megan's eyes "The most beautiful blue eyes in North America," which is oddly specific and reminds me of this:

Half a sip into her champagne Megan tells Chris the story of her dad dying suddenly. It is very sad and very effective in getting her a rose and a kiss. 

This, by the way, is the second tragic story of the week. The first was shared by Julia who lost her husband to suicide but has yet to share her past with Chris, probably because the producers have not prompted her to do so yet. 

Another group date card arrives at the House of Whoredomes.

If I received a date invitation that read "Til death do us part" I would immediately call the police and check my home for dismembered body parts. But these girls all pile into a limo that is driven to a seemingly abandoned warehouse and are soon bombarded with creatures that look like this:

But don't worry. Chris saves them. It is not as hilarious as Kelsey would have you believe with her retelling.

Chris announces that the group will he hunting zombies with paintball guns. It is at this point that Ashley S. starts to speak and this episode goes from fine to really excellent.

"Listen, I will never shoot you," she says unconvincingly.

Things get a little weird in the fog of war.

Well, not so much things as just Ashley S.

And not so much a little weird as straight-up crack-pot banana-pants. 

"We will kill you," she says, hopefully to the zombies but possibly to anyone within earshot.

"I feel like I am in the...like...Mesa Verde." If you have any idea what Mesa Verde has to do with a zombie hunt I would love to hear it. 

"THE MESA VERDE," she says again. 

I am scared and delighted. 

At the Manless Mansion, a very drunk Jordan  twerks upside down

and says some things about Jillian she is going to regret at the Women Tell All.

When asks if she shot someone with a paintball, Ashley S. says, "I would never shoot a person. Ever." The more she says it, the less I believe it.

Then the LSD really kicks in and she becomes completely obsessed with a candle. ""There are like Angels. Literally....what is it?" 

"Who do you think is getting a rose?" someone asks her. "Maybe an angel," she responds. 

Meanwhile Chris and Miley or whatever her actual name is lock lips for a while. 

Ashley disappears and is asked where she's been when she returns.  

"To find the truth. That's how I feel. Like Boom. Boom like the truth. Boom. Go find your own way to the truth."

She then wanders off to find Chris and asks him to play hide and seek, all the while insisting they're in Mesa Verde. 

"What's your biggest fear? Like, spiders or snakes or jumping or what?" she asks Chris. 
"I suppose I'm afraid of drowning..." he starts to answer before she cuts him off with  "I'm sorry, are we in a dome?"

Chris is pulled aside for a producer interview. He starts to explain his concern for Ashley's mental state but then pauses and stares because here she comes. 

"Your leather smells really great," Ashley tells him. 
"How are you doing? Are you holding up okay?" Chris asks.
"I honestly don't even know what you're asking me." she answers and I think she means it. 

Chris encourages her to go home and get some rest. She agrees, but first says, "You don't want to lose the whole world. But actually, you don't want to gain the whole world either. You don't want to lose your soul." 

Then she crawls away and talks to some cats. Really.

Miley says it better than I ever could. 

"People watch the show and see some crazy people here and think is that staged? Is she an actress? Is she really that crazy? And I am here to tell everybody that Ashley is a full-blown crazy girl on The Bachelor."

We see a few different flavors of crazy on The Bach. There's manipulative crazy, entitled crazy, doesn't play well with others crazy, etc. But it's a rare treat when we get legitimate, wack-a-doodle nuts. Let's enjoy it for as long as they make Chris keep Ashley S. around.  

The rest of the time is filled with the normal nonsense. Chris gives Britt a "present" which is nothing more than a card that reads, "Free Kiss from Chris."

Maybe I've been married too long, but that gift would make me roll my eyes. Not do this: 

Britt is understandably confused when immediately after she and Chris conclude their make out sesh, he hands the rose to Miley. Miley neener-neener-neeners to the camera, which is probably exactly what the real Miley would do. 

The next night is the cocktail party and most of it is spent discussing Ashley I's sexual history, which is non-existent. 

Though she hopes that changes and she hopes Chris is the guy to change it.

"Obviously I hope Chris is that guy, but I need my opportunity and my time to rise to the top," she says, demonstrating a very healthy take on relationships.

She wastes zero time getting the ol' ball rolling on seduction and has Chris rub her belly button ring. Really.

Then she does this. Really. In front of everybody.

Poor Britt is like, Wait, he's kissing other women? Maybe she hasn't watched the series before?

Chris kisses whoever this person is, cause, why not?

Jordan is again very drunk. 

"I just want to make out!" she yells. 

And then spends a rough fifteen seconds expressing how much she would like to kiss Chris, ultimately not kissing Chris. Don't drink and flirt is the lesson we can all take away from this. Or maybe don't drink on national television.

Tara narrates the rose ceremony. Tara, the woman who wrote "Sport Fishing Enthusiast" as her occupation on her Bachelor application, says no one is working as hard as she is for this. 

Chris calls Julia's name, and Jillian thinks it's hers. Then she trips on the rug when she realizes her mistake. It's really great.

But then she gets a rose anyway. Her and Crazysauce McCookster and an array of other women whose names I haven't bothered learning yet. 

But it's goodbye to Alissa, who at this point is probably relieved,

Jordan, who won't remember any of this, Kimberly, who should really get the message now,

and Tara, who makes a sad speech about never being anybody's number 1 and how she should be used to rejection by now.

"The girls who got picked instead of me...that hurts," she says. 

I wonder who she means...


1 comment:

  1. I just discovered this blog and it's my new favorite thing! This post made me seriously laugh out loud! I can't wait to read more of your recaps :)