Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 8: Front row seat, no distractions

Ah, the hometowns. 3 men show Andi their cities. 1 man shows Andi his body.

The visits start in Milwaukee where Andi meets up with Nick. They make out in between bites of cheese curds.

Then they visit the local brewery for some light drinking and heavy polka.


They're both terrible.

Nick has ten siblings, and all but one meet at the family home to scare the crap out of Nick's new lady. 

The oldest sister asks the hard questions, like, you know you're on a tv show, right?

She says, "You're obviously in an inflated situation," which means, "this is never going to work."

The youngest sister asks some adorable questions like, "Ugly guy with good personality or hott guy with bad personality?"

She's super earnest and it's super adorable. 

Mom cries.

Nick cries.

"I think I'm her favorite," he says. But then chickens out on telling Andi he loves her. Because 1. He's scared, or 2. He doesn't feel comfortable lying on national television.

It's a rather uneventful (read: snooze-inducing) hometown and I'm sorry you had to suffer through those words and pictures. We're getting to the good stuff. I promise. 

Speaking of good stuff, let's talk about Chris. Chris owns a farm.

Chris looks good in plaid. 

Chris has a huge, paid-for house.

And, as Andi puts it, "He's the hottest farmer ever." HOW IS THIS MAN NOT ALREADY MARRIED? And, WHAT IS ANDI WAITING FOR? LOCK IT DOWN NOW BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES, you fool.

There's a brief conversation about work possibilities for Andi, but then they both say, duh, it's the internet age in a global community and also Iowa needs lawyers.

Because writing anonymous love letters wasn't enough, Chris makes yet another romantic gesture with a fly-by sign.  SERIOUSLY IS HE A MURDERER OR SOMETHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS PRINCE IS NOT TAKEN.

Andi meets the fam.

The sisters share embarrassing stories about Chris. He used to only wear underwear on weekdays. Sounds reasonable enough to me. 

Mom and Chris have a heart to heart. He says that Andi living in Iowa is their biggest hurdle right now. I wish this were the truth. Unfortunately I think their biggest hurdle is three other man because ANDI IS BLIND TO THIS MAGNIFICENT BEAST STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.

Things get a little weird when Mom corners Andi and said "You'll have beautiful babies. I'll babysit for you."

But Andi meets the crazy with crazy and says, "I can't wait to have babies."

Then the whole clan plays ghost in the graveyard. Two of them kiss which I feel like is against the rules.

Okay. Josh's turn. Look. I gotta be up front with you. I cannot stand Josh. He talks like every jerk I knew in high school and he never stops touching Andi. Give the woman room to breathe, amirite?

Andi doesn't seem to mind though.

Josh takes Andi to a baseball park and makes her spit sunflower seeds on camera. 

Then they meet Josh's family, and more importantly, his dog. 

At dinner, Andi gets really confused and bothered when no one is talking to or about her, but instead talking to younger brother Aaron who is preparing for the NFL draft. Like that's a big deal or something. 

Dad sits down with Andi and sort of says, "Look. If you marry my son, you're signing on to be a life-long Aaron cheerleader. Cool? Cool."

Mom sits down with Josh and asks, "Do you like this lingerie I'm pretending is a dress?"

Fine. Not really.

I guess I forgot to take screenshots of the rest of the day, but really it's okay because they just play football and then Andi and Josh say a sad goodbye.

The good news is that they saved the best hometown for last. By best I mean cringiest.

Marcus picks up Andi in a car I honestly don't think is his.

Then, instead of taking her to a charming local restaurant or his favorite bench in the park, Marcus takes Andi to a seedy, dark club, pours her champagne, disappears, then reappears moments later wearing this:

Then takes it off. Slowly. Sensually. Sort of dancing. Dancing poorly. 

It's rough. And only gets rougher when he takes off the pants.

"This is every girl's dream," Andi lies. 

Luckily Marcus has the decency to put clothes back on before taking Andi to meet his mother and siblings. 

Marcus finally, after all these years, thanks his brother for being a father figure. He's like, oh wait? Is there a camera here? Catching me being so sweet and sincere on television? You guys go that footage, right?

Andi sits down with Mom. Mom is surprised that Marcus has been open and honest, because usually he's not or something. 

"I love you. I truly do," Marcus tells Andi. 

Then Marcus tells the camera, "Andi is my soulmate."

But then things get sad. Chris Harrison calls everyone to his home, sits them down, and tells them the news of Eric Hill's death. For a minute Andi and the four guys still have their camera faces on, trying to react in a way that will translate well to an audience. Marcus steps outside. Andi follows, it's a little staged, a little attention seeking. But then, the camera turns on the crew, who put down their gear, walk into the room and start hugging everyone. At this point Andi and the men give genuine reactions. They cry and express regrets and hold each other for a long time. I'm a little surprised they showed this but glad they did. I think it's a testament to how well liked Eric was that not only were his co-stars upset by his loss, but those who worked with him behind the scenes were as well. Even I, with my cold, cynical blogger heart, was moved to tears by this scene.  It's a silly show with nearly zero reflection of reality, but Eric was their friend and their loss is very real. 

Understandably, Andi has a difficult time at the rose ceremony a short 24 hours later. 

She excuses herself for a moment,

while Chris Harrison either consoles her or reminds her that she has contractual obligations. 

Eventually she pulls herself together, walks into the other room, and sends Marcus home. Marcus is surprised that his striptease didn't land him a ticket to a fantasy suite. He's the only person surprised by this. 

Andi tries to offer some sort of explanation beyond "You took off your clothes and things got weird."

Marcus bemoans the love lost in the limo, while wondering where things went wrong. Ask anyone in America. They'll tell you you lost your chance when you lost your shirt. 

Next week, Andi and the fellas spend some time alone, which is Bachelorette talk for spread disease. 

See you there. 

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