Are the Writers Trolling Us?

"Dad, the only thing more vomit inducing than you enjoying my boyfriend's sloppy seconds is this Boy George hat I borrowed."

We’re back!  Well played, Sandy, well played.  No Gossip Girl for us last week, although technically it was a repeat of that one episode I didn’t write about (mostly because it was booooooring).  I’m hoping tonight isn’t a repeat of those 42 minutes during which I played a few rounds of Pyramid Solitaire on Facebook.

To begin with, I hate to tell you this Barry Watson, but Serena’s slept with EVERYONE and so has Nate, so there are some really high odds of you having slept with their entire lists combined.  Later the plot thickens because –ahem- Lily’s been there, too.  Skanky really runs in this family.

New low, GG writer’s room.  Like I said – they have to be trolling us now.

Speaking of low - I hate Ivy.  And I hate that we appear to own the same pair of fierce red jeans that I sincerely love.  I’m going to try to erase them from my mind, while simultaneously praying Jenny ventures back to Brooklyn and kicks Ivy in her smoker throat.

Let’s switch gears to our King and Queen.  I miss the Met Steps days when Blair was always the perfect fashion icon.  Thankfully her significant-non-significant other is a little more on the mark (or rather the stylists are doing a better job).  There are two reasons I watch Gossip Girl: Chuck and Blair’s clothing choices, and their pop culture banter.  I saw that non-subtle Facebook IPO reference you made there!  They head to an equestrian event, which is full of some pretty marvelous sartorial choices until the Van der Woodsen’s show up in the frame again, and Sage assaults my eyes with an awful too-small hipster fedora.  

Remember when Bart was dead?  Life was so much better then. 

Two final thoughts:

1. Nate, I promise if you start chronicling your own sordid past, your company will be JUST fine.

2.  He-Who-Is-Hairy is becoming a most glorious afterthought.  GO SHAVE.

Jen emphasized in English at Brigham Young University. She currently freelances as a ghost writer and works as a personal stylist to feed her addiction to all things pretty. Her TV preferences range from The Vampire Diaries to Arrested Development and she lives in a fantasy world where Stars Hollow still exists. See more at jengulbrandsen.blogspot.com.

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Serialized

By Jen Gulbrandsen

In this edition of Who is Nate Sleeping With Tonight, we see some old faces that we didn’t miss (Nelly Yuki) and some we did (Dorota!).  Chuck’s suits are pretty glorious this evening, and Serena manages to make her ratty ponytail look even worse than usual, and that Marc by Marc dress Blair wears in the final scene is truly glorious.  In terms of actual plot, we have three things happening: Blair is trying to be the head of the Waldorf Fashion Haus, Chuck is trying to bring down his not-dead father, and everyone else is trying to find relevancy. 

Nate continues to search for it in the bedroom.  Dan is the woman scorned trying to publish the ultimate tell-all, which is good for me to see so I can be talked out of doing the same thing.  Serena’s entrance into high society has basically come of sleeping her way there.  There’s not a lot in this world I can trust, but Serena’s consistency is always appreciated.

I don’t know why I even bother to watch this anymore considering I saw the ultimate spoiler photo posted on the Internet today, but when Georgina opens her mouth I’m reminded that there is actually some wit in that writer’s room.  As funny as all of those one-liners may be, I am still caught up on one minor, miniscule detail: why did none of these kids finish college?  Did Chuck even apply to college?  I can’t even remember where Blair ended up.  And how could Nate abandon the Columbia lacrosse team? 

It pains me to say this, because she is my Queen and I love her (when she’s not being written horribly, as she is right now), but how is Blair even remotely qualified to run a large design house?  Are we even sure Nate knows how to spell?  I know the Upper East Side (UES) is awfully strange as it is, but I mean, one can only suspend disbelief for so long.

Serena dating an old dude from Seventh Heaven with a seventeen-year-old daughter who goes to Constance isn’t difficult to believe though.  I’m fairly certain she’s the character the writers throw all of their crazy ideas onto.  I can just see them in the room laughing at their computers, saying, “ha – I wonder if anyone will notice if we do this to her!”  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Sex tape?  Rehab?  Murder?  Serena!  It’s no wonder I can’t stand her – she’s the ultimate soap opera caricature. 

Did I mention that Nate’s sleepover buddy is the aforementioned seventeen-year-old girl?

“It’s legal; I checked,” says she.

Gosh, I just love you Gossip Girl.

Jen emphasized in English at Brigham Young University. She currently freelances as a ghost writer and works as a personal stylist to feed her addiction to all things pretty. Her TV preferences range from The Vampire Diaries to Arrested Development and she lives in a fantasy world where Stars Hollow still exists. See more at jengulbrandsen.blogspot.com.

Mouth to mouth on public transportation? Yeah, I’d call that rock bottom

By Jen Gulbrandsen

It’s the end of Gossip Girl, a thought I can hardly stand.  The show is, without question, my favorite guilty pleasure.  The clothing and the characters and the clear nonsense of the entire thing.  And Chuck.  Always Chuck.

Before we move forward with these recaps, there’s something important you must know.  I am a Chair shipper.  I love Chuck and I love Blair and I love them together and the only ending for this show that I will accept is a Chuck and Blair wedding.  If you’re Team Blair and Dan, or Team Dan and Anyone other than Death for that matter, I doubt we’ll exactly agree on reactions to episodes.

Now then.  Last season ended with complete character assassination for each and every single person, with none so great as Serena giving herself to some gross dude for drugs on the MetroNorth train, assumedly bound for New Haven and more gross dudes.  The most shocking shark jump was the reveal that Bart Bass has actually been alive this entire time, only returning to screw over his dear, darling son.  This led to a Monte Carlo gambling trip for Chuck, and ended with a tryst in the bedroom with his surprise guest, Blair.

Like I said – best guilty pleasure ever.

This premiere episode was weak, and disjointed, and had to rely on cheap stunts to move forward, but let’s face it, we’re not watching for good television.  We’re watching to see if Nate will whore it up again (and after next week’s promo, it looks like you won’t be let down at all).  Or maybe to see if Ivy ever gets voice therapy to fix her raspy, smoker tone.  I’m watching to see Chuck and Blair live happily ever after.  Odds are high that no one is watching for Barry Watson.  And that Ivy/Rufus happening?  Unfortunately none of can un-see that one. 

This final season holds an element of anticipation as we wait for the reveal of Gossip Girl.  I have my theories.  I think we know who she is.  There are even days that I think she might actually be Dan.  But until he shaves his stray neck hairs and gets a good haircut, I can’t pay him any more mention.

Finally, let’s talk about a certain little glittery rock that rests on a long chain around Blair’s neck.  Don’t fail me Gossip Girl writers!  Give me what I want!  It’s the least you can do for making me sit through years of bad puns and implausible plot development.

Thankfully we’ll always have Georgina’s zingers to save what little is left of this series.

Jen emphasized in English at Brigham Young University. She currently freelances as a ghost writer and works as a personal stylist to feed her addiction to all things pretty. Her TV preferences range from The Vampire Diaries to Arrested Development and she lives in a fantasy world where Stars Hollow still exists. See more at jengulbrandsen.blogspot.com.